"You looked so skinny in those photos."
I remember being a ghost trapped in a haunted house. This town is a graveyard of all the people I've been. I remember building altars made of scales. This house is a headstone made of ash and bone.
"You look so different now."
My life is dangling like a pendulum going between dead and alive. You never call anymore. My heart is like a gold plated wedding band because it's beautiful on the outside but on the inside nothing is real. You told me you felt lonelier when I was there.
"You've gained weight."
I can feel myself dying again. I can feel myself dying again. I can feel myself dying again. I can feel myself dying again.
"You're not the same anymore."
*I wonder to which version of me you refer.
You let me draw mountains on your shoulders, as if you needed a reminder of what you carried with you every day. Atlas, bearing the world on your shoulders. You were always stronger than me.
"You'll still be here when I wake up, right?"
"I'm no good for you, or for anybody."
Imagine a sunset made of the colors of every person you've loved's eyes. Imagine it setting over the ocean. If you listen closely, the waves sound a lot like, "is it okay if I kiss you?" But now the moon won't stop hiding.
You are a dream that I can never remember in the morning. Eyes the color of glass shards you find on the beach, I'm an ocean full of Valentines that say "please text me back, I don't know what I did wrong" and "I liked it better when you said 'hello' in the hallways." You kissed like shooting stars and left like meteor showers.
You looked at me like I was a carousel at 3 in the morning in July. Most nights I'm not sure if I'm real or not, but with you I know I'm a ghost. I still dance with the devil every now and again, and he keeps asking me where you've been.
You'll always be just a daydream away.
you made me feel like i was chained to the stars, like every part of me lit up, even the ones i wasn’t so proud of. i was too young to be wild and free and you stopped holding my hand when it was dark outside. i said i love you because i thought that would fix it, you said goodbye like it was the only word you knew.
2. you were like watching the sun rise from behind thick blinds: a little sliver of dark becomes a little sliver of light and then you’re gone. i loved you like you were a storm that i was driving into. i kissed you like swerving off the road. i loved you like when it’s freezing outside and once you come back inside it’s too hot. there was no medium. it was all or nothing. once i got the strength to leave you thanked me and hugged me like you were checking my back for exit wounds.
3. you’re a ghost now and for a long time i thought my heart was buried 6 feet under with you, thought i was as frozen as the ice that made your tires skid, thought it would have been better if i had gone to the funeral.
4. you said my smile was stupid so now i cover my mouth when i laugh. you said i look silly when i sleep so i stopped spending the night. i thought it was my fault when you told me i wasn’t worth it anymore. you said you wanted a necklace with a feather on it so i cut off my wings and made you one, but you never liked it anyway. when you left i said “you promised” but you said “we never shook on it.”
5. the boy with the ‘check engine’ light on his chest. i spent a lot of time tripping over the rug you swept your problems under, spent a lot of time trying to rip the seams you sewed. even a trigger is soft until you pull on it. i always felt like something you lost but didn’t want to look for anymore. you never knew what my voicemail sounded like and i wonder if it’s because i was always so eager to talk to you that i never let it ring more than twice or because you never bothered to call. i wonder if you are finally realizing that you can’t be the ****** weapon and the search party, can’t be the hero and the villain. i was the first aid kit that couldn’t fix you. you always looked out windows like you belonged somewhere else. remember the first time you burned your hand when you were 7 and touched the stove top. remember the first time you kissed me. remember how you said you couldn’t tell the difference because it hurt just the same. the day that i told you i was leaving you said, “god, it’s so awful to see the people you love have dreams.”
My mind is empty
I draw a blank
You hold back tears
As I walk the plank
You want to be my savior
But **** if you only knew
I'm too far gone for anyone
Yeah, especially you
The way that your skin pulls across your bones,
doors holding that skeleton inside your closet,
the color of the sky early in the morning,
eyes like the ocean before a storm.
i wrote this when i was falling out of love
when i hear voices i pretend they're all you because it makes me feel better, like you don't keep leaving every time i get close to you. i like it when they tell me they're watching me. i blow them kisses.
your words are like salt in my cuts that you put there but i'll take it because at least now you're ******* talking to me. all i am to you is the one who showed you that love isn't beautiful. love is choosing the gun over the knife because it's faster.