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May 2015
you made me feel like i was chained to the stars, like every part of me lit up, even the ones i wasn’t so proud of. i was too young to be wild and free and you stopped holding my hand when it was dark outside. i said i love you because i thought that would fix it, you said goodbye like it was the only word you knew.

2. you were like watching the sun rise from behind thick blinds: a little sliver of dark becomes a little sliver of light and then you’re gone. i loved you like you were a storm that i was driving into. i kissed you like swerving off the road. i loved you like when it’s freezing outside and once you come back inside it’s too hot. there was no medium. it was all or nothing. once i got the strength to leave you thanked me and hugged me like you were checking my back for exit wounds.

3. you’re a ghost now and for a long time i thought my heart was buried 6 feet under with you, thought i was as frozen as the ice that made your tires skid, thought it would have been better if i had gone to the funeral.

4. you said my smile was stupid so now i cover my mouth when i laugh. you said i look silly when i sleep so i stopped spending the night. i thought it was my fault when you told me i wasn’t worth it anymore. you said you wanted a necklace with a feather on it so i cut off my wings and made you one, but you never liked it anyway. when you left i said “you promised” but you said “we never shook on it.”

5. the boy with the ‘check engine’ light on his chest. i spent a lot of time tripping over the rug you swept your problems under, spent a lot of time trying to rip the seams you sewed. even a trigger is soft until you pull on it. i always felt like something you lost but didn’t want to look for anymore. you never knew what my voicemail sounded like and i wonder if it’s because i was always so eager to talk to you that i never let it ring more than twice or because you never bothered to call. i wonder if you are finally realizing that you can’t be the ****** weapon and the search party, can’t be the hero and the villain. i was the first aid kit that couldn’t fix you. you always looked out windows like you belonged somewhere else. remember the first time you burned your hand when you were 7 and touched the stove top. remember the first time you kissed me. remember how you said you couldn’t tell the difference because it hurt just the same. the day that i told you i was leaving you said, “god, it’s so awful to see the people you love have dreams.”
Katelyn Enders
Written by
Katelyn Enders
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