You keep using me
Without knowing you are doing so
And I allow it to happen
Ee use each other in the name of
Friendship
But we both know that’s
A ploy
We aren’t real
Friends
We are just filling a role
That the other needs
In this time and space
And that was fine
Until I fell into your color blue
And now I can’t play the part
That you cast for me
I can’t just float out here
And swoop in when the time is right for you
You see
It doesn’t work that way
I am the softest place to land
But I can’t be that for you
When you are rock hard
I am the sweetness you crave
I am the vulnerability you need
But you can’t see that
So I have to walk off this stage
Stop acting as if I can be the girl
Who plays this role for you
Because you can’t see
That I am worth it

It was me.
I thought it was you who helped me find my light again
I thought it was you, the reason for my joy
I thought it was you who held me up when my legs wouldn’t walk another step.
But it wasn’t.
It was the innermost me
She gave me light
and joy
and strength.
How naive I was to think that you could be those things for me.

You are a roller coaster
You are way high
And make me think
There is hope
Because I can see your horizon
And then I tumble down your path
Trusting that you are better
As if this disease has a cure
Back flip into your madness
Just daring you to be better
But you aren’t
A thousand nights
I have prayed that you would
Let me off this ride
Let me catch my breath for
A solitary moment
But you keep racing
Faster
Your brown hair blowing carelessly in the wind
Whipping into your eyes
Keep you from seeing your path of destruction
the ones you keep hurting
With every reckless turn
I chase you
Picking up the pieces you leave behind
The only thing I want more
Than getting off this ride
Is to see you better
But I’m starting to see
That’s not how this works
You can’t jump the track
No matter how many chips you earn
Or “just for today” ’s you utter
You are locked in
On this steel track
And I can’t blame you
So here I am
And will be
Until you run out of gas

Your words reel me in
Gently
So gently that I don’t even know I’m moving toward you
Away from familiar waters
Until I’m staring into the deepest blue
Unable to steady my thoughts
Here
Thoughts swirl in the whirlpool that is you
Just like that
You let out your line
The one that has me hooked
Give me slack
Let me drift away from you
Just until I’m swimming freely
Away from thoughts of you
But then
There it is
The tug from you again
Swiftly I am pulled toward you
Praying you will reel me in this time
And decide I’m
Worthy
Decide I’m your catch

I wish I could feel nothing
Give back to you
what you keep giving to me
Which is silence
Nothing
Waiting on your words
Makes my stomach feel empty
Hungry for even the slightest piece of you
But here I wait
Pretending like your silence doesn’t hurt
Pretending there must be good reason for your apathy  
While knowing its pointless
Sitting here in your silence
But too paralyzed
To turn away in search of better music
Because even if it’s silence
I know it belongs to you

I should let you go.
But I don’t want to.
I should stop giving you this power
Over me
But I don’t want to
this age old battle rages
Within me
The head and the heart
the ultimate Stalemate
I should stop
I should stop
I should stop
Letting you back in
Again
And again
Says the head
But the heart
She won’t budge
she can’t fathom of a day when she won’t love you
When she won’t want you.
If I could channel this sadness into rage
Maybe I could muster the strength to close that door
block out the cracks
That allow you to slip back in
Without me even knowing
But today She wins.
I walk off the battle ground
Defeated
Praying that maybe tomorrow
I will have to courage
To hold my shield strong
But for today  
The heart takes the gold
today I keep loving you

Sorry.
I looked to you for more than friendship.
You weren’t ready.
I looked to you for validation.
You gave it anyway.
I looked to you to for strength.
You steadied my wobbling knees.
It may have been unfair to ask you to give those things.
But you gave anyway.  
And you gave abundantly.
So thank you.