maybe i'm a lightning bolt, electricity in my bones maybe
maybe i'm the sun
light dripping from my mouth like blood
like a bullet in the barrel of your gun
maybe i'm a firecracker
because i keep on burning
no amount of water can put me out
i am smoke
and ruin and you are the aftermath
{"i'm sorry about that night
i'm sorry that your mother died when you were nine"}
i'm sorry that i never gave you a chance to love me because i am too broken
you couldn't piece me back together if you tried
make me your slaughterhouse
i've been told that i'm good at exhaling war crimes
nail my hands to a chalkboard and tell me to draw
put a bullet between my teeth and tell me to shoot
i will try to
believe me, i've done it before
you keep saying that this is real
for some reason i don't believe you
it might be because of the way you cut my lungs out
with your bare hands
i'm still not sure if i ever really trusted you
the last time you called me beautiful was the same night that
water began to fill my lungs
you whispered it to me with your hands around my neck
(i still have the bruises)
like i was your painting and you were just here to admire your work
when you kiss me it tastes like hate
like you rubbed your tongue with spiderwebs
i've never felt so hopeless
{ I'VE NEVER FELT SO POWERFUL, EITHER;
A THOUSAND THREADS OF PURE STARLIGHT
PUMPING THROUGH MY VEINS }
you were my self destruct button
i wonder if you know how many times i tried to set you off
(i wonder if you know how often i see you in the gap
between my teeth and my tongue;
you're still making me fumble for words after you're gone)
when i told you i could never love you you answered by saying that i wasn't real
i believed you
i still do.

Your god complex
Troubling
You are narcissus
Reincarnated
Did no one ever teach you?
The worldly revolutions
Have nothing to do with you
And though your body is heavenly
(Made me feel like god)
Your words are not my scripture
And you are much more like
A churchless Sunday
Than a sinless schoolgirl smile
No, you never saved me
Dear god
I guess it's a good thing
I'm an atheist

I'm a little sleep deprived, a little too high, (a little too low) a lot hungry, a little overstressed, a little unfocused, (unconscious?) waiting, a little sick from-a little more caffeine please my cigarette buzz is going,
a little sore from running away, a little sore from being alone

your eyes are not oceans
and you are not a natural disaster
you are manmade and you will topple
and i will be the one to topple you
because you are a literal bag of human ****
and if you think that telling me
that i deserve ****
will impress your fellow man friends,
you had better watch the **** out
because i am coming for you with a taser
and a buzzsaw
your mra t-shirts can't help you now,
****

1.i took a breath, punched the door. he asked if it helped at all,
rubbed his temples when i did it again,
told me to call him when i felt like talking,
we havent spoken since. he isnt important to this story.
what matters is how unsafe i feel just saying your name, how unreal
you make me feel. imaginary and implausible. wish fulfillment so blatant
im amazed i ever thought i was something more
than a myth.  

2. i can't give you what you want/couldn't give you what you want. something like a romance film,
candles on the shore,
not blown out by ocean winds.
something where i cry your name or
kiss you when you shout
instead of screaming back,
perfect plaster queen crumbling
for no one but you.
where i sing and you sigh.
where at least one of us cares.

3. im still not sure who's to blame
my heart is swollen my hands are bloated there is motor oil
pooling in the hollow of my palms, did you do this to me?
did i unravel you? im still not sure what happened. i stopped asking for help a long time ago

4.  i do not feel safe.
you are behind me always.
i am sweating bullets and you are loading your gun.
you are a breakdown waiting to happen.
you are my genes planning treason.

5. you're a fake.you're a fake.you're a fake.
buying me coffee and spitting down my throat like
it evens out in the end.you're so kind.you say youd never hurt me as if
i couldnt see my ******* intestines in your fist. you're a fake.
you're pyrite, fool's gold,
costume jewelry cutting off circulation to my hand.

6. i know everything sounds the same.
i know i give the same speech every time.
i know repetition is getting old and
six breakdowns in the same month is
overdoing it. i was trained from birth to **** up my life
and im exceeding expectations.

7. [image: memorial day card,
'we had nothing worth remembering' inside,
hallmark logo on the back]

8. i didnt really want to be real anyway

why the **** would you
even pretend to care
after all of that?

i am sexually attracted to pencils.