God is at the bottom of a pool,
And hopefully Jesus really can save me,
Because I'm looking for religion
When I don't know how to swim.
I'll dive in,
With all my sins tied around my ankles.

It will be the loudest hymn-
the type of things
Peter himself would write in gospel.
Or maybe
Lucifer will claim my blood in
blasphemy.

You asked me why I love you
I said I didn't know
But it's not that I don't love you
It's just that my mind is so full
of destruction that I feel like if I tell you
it might be too much for you to handle

I might break you with the weight of my heart because indeed my heart is heavy
My heart is a burden. Because it hold the past which is a burden in its entirety.

So I'm sorry that I did not have the words and I'm sorry if I made you believe
That my love for you
is non existent.

Darling it exists, and all too much.

people say
everything
is better
when
you're blinded
by smoke
or drowning
in alcohol.
but you cant
see the lies
and i
cant swim
through the
disapointment.  
they say it
brings out
the real you.
but i'm not
really me after
the 6th shot
of *****.
and you
arent really
happy
after that
2nd blunt.

we search for freedom from this meaningless life.
liberation from our suffering.
deliverance from the pain that is humankind.

we use home remedies like alcohol,
drugs,
suicide.

we are too busy chasing this imaginary concept,
that we do not realize we, and we alone, create freedom.
we just have to let ourselves be free.

I was allowed to visit back home
whenever he wanted me to
adoption’s only condition
agreed to by Mama Julia

when I was about seven years old
Father and my older sister Coring
arrived unannounced
traveling in a boat he made himself
bringing gifts of large dried fish
small salted fish
green edible seaweed called, “latu”
and ceramic pots made by Mother

Father had never been to Carigara
but found the house with no trouble
everyone knew the Tranis
they directed him to the big house
called, “Tiha”
three stories
a tiled terracotta roof
coconut trees
sweet, fragrant yellow bananas
Mama Julia was away in Manila
old folks hesitated in her absence
fearing Father might keep me
they asked that he leave my older sister
to ensure my return
Father agreed

a very old friend accompanied Father
to sell her handmade pottery
very friendly
with messy white hair
and only one front tooth
her name was Reyang
they spent the night at Tiha
planning to leave early with me
but Apoy Reyang got drunk
from the tuba* Father brought
she went out into the street
walking and talking to herself
my friends told me later they liked the old lady
speaking wildly like a witch
we feared stories of bad witches
who snatched little kids
but no one ever actually saw one
so they were glad to see
a real live old witch
who wasn’t scary at all
they thought she was my grandma
actually envying me
for the nice witch in my family

Father built a mast in the middle of his banca
outriggers on both sides
were made of bamboo poles
lashed together with rope
sailing back to Guintarcan
he brought food to snack on
when wind stirred
Father raised sail
to make the boat go faster
when it was calm
he wrapped the sail on the mast
and used the paddle
I liked it when Father asked me
to hold something for him
but he spoke in a Samar dialect
when he realized I couldn’t understand him
he rephrased it the Carigara way

a perfect day
sea was calm
sky cloudless
I reached down to feel the cool, clear water
rush against my open hand
when the boat was moving faster
increased pressure on my palm was pleasing
I was happy and excited for the chance
to visit with family
but this adventure’s biggest thrill was simply:
my Father came for me


*coconut wine