My heart is so exhausted running away from killers.
Then, I stumbled upon your heart that makes the most comfortable bed covered with silk.

But your heart was inside an abandoned house,
Made from rotten woods,
Moss climbing up the walls,
Hugged by pitch black darkness,
Eaten away by mites.

"What a beautiful home must it have been"

It would collapse any moment.

I am scared the roof would crush me to dust while I was asleep.

"Let me just rest and catch a breath"

But the moment the walls of my heart touch the silk of yours,
I unconsciously fall and dreaming away.

"What a beautiful home it is"

your body is beautiful
so so pretty
coveted by the boys
the ***** ones
sharks
who devour the smell of blood in the water
the ones who thrive off the smell of their prey

baby we should cuddle
so so warm
and extra pretty
but I feel ***** ***** *****
because you have extra love baby
just for me me me
begging me for a little bit moremore more

lovely lovely
can I have a taste of the
sweet nectar
a little little bit baby
youre so pretty
a body so fine fine fine

its all a ******* twisted lie
to get your rocks off before you take a dive and ask a different girl
to prom

I am not going to focus, in retrospect, at the awe of the fragility of a memory
This one in particular made me feel weighty and extremely present
And locked in with the air like a cast in plaster
The air moved around me like the tide on top of wet, gray clay
Cars passed like matches striking sandpaper
The songbirds were hushed and distant
The telephone lines sagged with the weight of the world
I was absolutely sure that the earth was not spinning
So I stopped and counted
Surely I could feel my heart beating
I could hear the water dripping
I gazed at the edge of the thunderhead passing by like a galaxy, a swarm of bullets
And an owl cooed, only an ingredient to the silent sauce
Like thyme is added to cooking wine on the stove
I hear church bells
The sky purrs and lifts, there are some flashes behind the hills to the right
But here by the hoarse gravel everything has a separate momentum than where that storm is now.
The momentum of waking

It's dangerous to go alone, take this
He says as he carves out his own heart
And hands it to me
I place it in a golden chest
Surrounded by countless other
******, beaten, broken
Hearts
I've done this countless times
Smile, rip out a heart, and keep it
Smile, tear out a heart, and keep it
I suppose I'm like a dragon
In the same way they horde gold and jewels
I horde hearts and love
I thrive on love
I need it to survive
My beautiful box of hearts displayed
Gold and shining
Covered in jewels with a heart shaped lock

I love you she says
Carving out her heart and placing it in my hands still beating
I smile and place it in a box
My beautiful golden chest of hearts
Hers the latest addition, ****** and bruised
She cries
He cries
They all cry
But their hearts,
Their hearts are still mine.

They let me in the room with her and I walked without meaning to walk. It was bright with big windows covering the opposite wall looking out onto grass and a bed at a right angle to the light so that lying there she rested her chin on her left shoulder to gaze out and had to roll her head rightwards to see who came in. Walking as I was she got bigger and I started to feel her fear and only then did I realise that I was absolutely terrified and had been for a long time though I can’t say when it started. The room smelled sterile and smelled like a room you shouldn’t leave. It made you want to run but made you feel like you absolutely couldn’t; she wanted to run but politeness kept her sane.

She looked at me and it felt like when we met at a station or arrived by taxi and hadn’t seen each other in a while. Except this time we had seen each other but wouldn’t see each other for a while yet. Her eyes were filled with tears and she had a smile like she was happy and proud and surprised in her happiness but glad, and that it was all too much to bear. ‘Hi.’ her voice was stronger than I thought and I knew that I loved how she could be so full of emotion but still function and not collapse.

I couldn’t say anything but patted her with my hand. We both cried quietly. I started to feel I should be doing more and I wanted to tell her but now it all seemed lame and wrong and stupid. So I told her I loved her and I felt I was saying it to be strong and make her feel safe but of course I didn’t feel safe and I heard it as a squeak and more air than sound. I wanted her to say it and she did and her face was still proud but now also concerned but concerned for me and how I was and in a moment all this love turned to hate and then all I felt was shame that I would make her worry for anyone but herself and then blame her for it. It couldn’t end like this so I started to tell her and at first I fumbled and had to keep starting over but then I forgot where we were and even that she was there and I just felt what I wanted to feel and before I knew it I had said it.

‘Here’s what’s going to happen. We’ll cremate you. You’ll be ash. And… well ash is a great fertiliser. After a volcano the land regrows and the crops are full, for years they’re full. So I’ll take you, and--- remember when we went to the garden centre? You said we should get lilies and I said we would and I haven’t. Well I’ll buy some and I’ll take you… I’ll take you…and I’ll plant them and mix you in with the soil. I’ll mix you up with the soil and I’ll plant them and they’ll grow and… you’ll be in them. And I’ll look out and see them growing and know that you’re in them. And when they’re big I’ll pick them and smell them and put them in vases all around the house and I’ll always be with you. Because I love you so much. And you have to know that. I love you so much and I might meet someone but it won’t mean anything because they aren’t you, do you hear me? I will always think about you because you are my heart and you always will be. Do you understand? You have to know that because I’d want to know that, desperately; that not for a second will you be less important to me than you are right now.’

Only then I saw that whilst she was touched and she nodded and her face filled with yet more pride it was all show this time and maybe always had been and really she was just scared. I knew then that she was really only grateful that I cared so much to need her and that she didn’t really care if she was a plant and that was fine with me.

By the time the footsteps came we had fallen onto each other and were kissing clumsily because we were too busy crying but we were smiling with this painful relief that we weren't acting strong anymore when we weren't. And I had begun to feel excitement for some reason that this would all be over soon and I could go back although things would never really go back of course. But now this felt right and I was glad that I had told her.

The nurse came in the needle went in and she was gone. I saw I was walking and in the corridor and the moment I saw I fell in a stumble against the wall and slid and couldn’t feel a thing for all the shaking. I shook on the floor and wept and shuddered in sobs and no why did I leave I didn’t want to leave yet I wanted to be there with her but I can’t now she’s gone.

I looked around dumbly as people saw but couldn’t give what they thought they should because they were embarrassed or busy feeling. And I looked around for the family I knew wasn’t there because my family had been in that bed and now had faded along with my heart. I was sharp breathing and strange noises and that was everything for a while until someone helped me up and walked me around until I took my body back and walked to my car and went home and stared blankly at a door and remembered I’d forgotten something and went back to the car again to get lilies.

It's funny, the more I hear
These uncertainties need no more fear
All truths become that solely one
Miserable tears question what I've done
I've only ever seen such wounds at war
Not surprised if I catch your gaze on the door

Do you feel a little knot, in the bottom of your gut?
Do you wonder why, the spring is taken from your strut?
-
Are you sleeping well? The knot is getting worse?
Will a Doctor tell you, the effects are from a curse?
-
No you don't believe, that a Force is brought to bear
"Science" has an explanation, you can do without a prayer
-
You have a PhD, such things are nonsense in your mind
But your blood is running cold, to you this Force will not be kind