The beginning.
I guess this is where this tragedy that was once a beautiful dream, started.
The first day she seen his handsome face,
She knew he was the one.
Going through things with her X,
She was dealing with a broken soul.
She didn't want to love again,
Until she met him.

Until she met him...
The way he opened up that one night,
The way she felt when she seen his face,
Knew he was coming,
And when he was going home.

The way his dark browns eyes sparkle,
When she would stare at them so deeply,
Something she adored doing every night.
It was her content place.

Fast forward to the night,
They shared each other.
At this moment she knew her heart wouldn't be able to comprehend what she knows it'll do.
She fell deeper,
And deeper.

She was scared,
She had falling to deep.
Questions like,
What if I am too much to handle.
What if he'll leave.
What if he uses me for ***,
Like the last one did..

Months pass by,
Everything was great.
Smiles on his face,
Smiles on her face.
She felt the love.

Tornado.

They were crashing,
He's trying to understand what's going on,
He didn't understand her.
She was too complicated,
A little crazy,
But he loved her.
Hense the word loved,
ED,
As in he loved her,
But the love he had for her,
Was once leaving,
She knew it.
She couldn't fight it.

Why didn't she fight it?

Tornado..

She did not want to see the man she loved suffer any longer.
She knew,
He'll walk away.
She knew deep in her heart.
She couldn't take it.
She was angry,
She was hurt,
She couldn't speak.
He didn't know.
She never spoke about the pain she felt within her heart,
Because she knew..

Tornado..

The wind was blowing harder,
The tears were becoming stronger,
She felt her soul crashing to the ground,
But she loved him.
She knew she was too much,
She didn't understand why,
Why she stopped making him happy,
She didn't understand why she was bringing him so much pain.

She stopped feeling worth it.

Tornado..

She gave up.
She loved him.
She gaved up.
She loved him.
She gaved up.
Tornado..

He walked away..


Falling apart,
She found ways to cope with the pain,
She had relations with the man who loved her for her body.
She's sorry.

Tornado..

The last kiss.
That was when she knew that was the last night that he was once hers.
She held back her screams,
Her punches,
Her screams,

Tornado..

She wished she could fix the broken connection she had created.
The reason why he felt the need to walk away.

She wish she knew why she had done such a poorly job of loving the man who loved her more than any man has ever done.

She wish she knew why she wasn't no longer worth the fight.

She wish she knew what she could of done to still have him in her arms.

Tornado..

She is the tornado.
But she loved him.
As she slits her area of hidden,
Deeper with the pain she has caused,
Tornado.

I keep telling myself, that you'd change your mind tomorrow. So I'd be drinking to get rid of all of my sorrows, get lit, take my mind off ****. So this pill, I will swallow. I got to let my mind go.

They always said your first will be the hardest, and boy weren't they lying. The feeling of opening up to someone, letting them see you as a whole. Seeing you with no clothes on, cuddling, becoming one. Giving that person your all, more than just making love, but deeper than love. As the feelings spill out with each kiss, and each touch, you feel the pain, as his fingertips touch and hold your hips. Because he isn't the one. You feel the pain, as those kisses get to your heart, and your eyes start to water. There's no such thing as your mind knowing what's best, because your heart knows more than the rest. But this man is your first, so hard to walk away. But why? Lord why? Why is this feeling so invading? He looks at you, and smile, knowing this smile is so untrue, nothing but a piece of your beauty, that's all that it took, to make him say I love you, until he got what he looked. He changed his ways, it became more distance, you tried to fix it. Not realizing that you are only hurting yourself, you denied it. Wanted to make it work, so those feelings inside, you fought them, why? Was it really that worth it? Was it really because you loved him? Or was it because you was too scared to walk away, because you felt like as if it would hurt him? Did he care? Only when he smashed though..
Was he there? Only when he smashed though..
Did he make you cry? Yeah.
Did he care? No.
So why were you there? I don't know..
Were you happy? Could I have been?
No..
Was this just ***?
Was this just his way of getting what he wanted so no other can have it?
Selfish.
They say your first is hard to walk away from,
But when walking away makes you stronger
You start regretting the moment, you let that boy in.

Enough said..

Last time I gave someone my all,
They hurt me.
I left the one that didn't deserve me,
And now he's realizing,
That he failed to love me.
But I found someone new,
And he's far more lovely.
My hunny.

She has dream of being a VS, so She's starving, you know, cover girl eats nothing.
She says.
Beauty is pain, and there's beauty in everything.
What's a little bit of hunger?
I could go a little while longer.
She fades away. .
She don't see,
Her perfect.
She don't understand,
She's worth it.
Oh that beauty goes deeper than the surface.
So to all the girls that's hurting, let me be your mirror.
Help you see a little bit clearer, The light that shines within.
there are no scars to your beautiful☁️

Lord my petals.
Lord my petals.

Why you had to take them from me.
Devil wasn't ready,
But mommy was.

Lord why you had to **** me.
That burning sensation when I laid that night,

You destroyed my petals,
Lord that was in me..

But if I lied,
Said it was fine,
We'll be alright,

I'll eventually get over it,
Wouldn't I?
How could I..

My body hurts lord.
Why you had to do this.
I wasn't ready,
You made that decision for me..

And that's why,
I could never say I'm sorry.
My rose petals.

I won't always be your cup of tea.
You're favorite kind of drink.
I won't always be your apple on the tree.
I'll have my days,
Jus like no other.
When the tiger roar comes out,
When I can't stand no other.
When I don't want to give a ****,
When I feel much smaller.
I won't always be your cup of tea,
Nor A shot of Hennessy.
I'm a mixture of hot species, with a little bit of sweets.

I hope to see you one day,
So I could tell you how much I hate you.
Or should I be thanking you?
For making me realize my self worth.
You inconsiderate human being.

Should I keep on fighting, or give up and let myself go..

We lost an angel on that day. I remember text messages about missed periods, and sick stomach. I remember the fear in our faces, as being told did you take it? Did you do it? Not feeling well, but I made sure there was no such thing as being alone in the fear of being pregnant. The next day came, it said no. Being asked again, again "no".
Sign of relief, but it didn't seem right.
No words being said, it was never spoken about again.
Few weeks pass by,
"I'm having a miscarriage, it happened lastnight".
Tears running down ones face,
"Stay strong baby, it will be alright"
"You're not alone, I promise it will be alright"
You gain some weight, you see it in your face.
Smiles in ones face, because at the end of the day,
God knew why this took place.
We will never understand why,
We have said our last goodbyes
To the beauty that would of been,
To the angel that we carried inside.
May god be with you little angel of mine.
As we remember and love you forever,
Until then, we'll meet another time.

Just a girl with insecurities,
Wanted to be told she's beautiful.
Doesn't matter if you don't mean it, just say it.
And she'll believe it.

Why would you call this love, if you knew this wasn't.
If this was not love, please tell me what was it?

Emotions flooding in me,
As the tears roll down my face.
As the person I care for,
Is having thoughts of harming themselves.
Being unaware,
Feeling helpless.
Feeling as if you're not trust worthy enough.
To have them open to me,
In time of need.
Scared to tell me;
That there having thoughts of suicide.
Thoughts of losing me?
But what about ME?

What about ME!

Wake up one day, and you're not there.
What the ****,
******!
What about me!

To scared to open up to me,
I admit.
Me speaking about my thoughts.
I would never.

"I'm fine".
Shut up.
Those words are a way of hiding one trues emotion.

If you was okay, would there be thoughts of suicide?
Telling me you're fine. Partially faking that you're happy.
So when i fall asleep,
Thoughts enter.
4 in the morning and you're lonely.
You took that belt,
As if it's the answer to your nightmares.
You took that blade.
As if it's the answers to your suicide dreams.
Afraid of telling me because you were to afraid of losing me.
But what about ME?
******.
What about ME!

Not knowing everything isn't alright.
You telling me it's just a dream,
As if you didn't try killing yourself last night.
What about me..

Me.

What if . I ..
Send you a text, and I got no response?
What if that suicide attempt passed and your soul wasn't alive?

Anger building up in me.
You telling me, that you're hanging up.
That you're sorry.
I hate sorries.
Stop telling me that you're sorry
I'm not forgiving,
I'm not forgetting.

I'm a little tore up inside.
What can you do to help a person, who's afraid of losing you, when you're afraid of losing them The most?

What if it was "I" who attempted those suicide attempts.
Told tou nothing.
You woke up to no reply back to ones text,
Messages bein sent to you.
Telling you,
That I tried to **** myself last night, and it went through.
How would you feel?
****** how would YOU FEEL?

Last phone call of the night.
Because I do not feel right.
I feel so angry.
Why couldn't he have told me?

What about me.
******..
What about ME?
I could of lost you physically.

Baby..
What about me.

Us.

I knew what it was when i found out,
I just didn’t want to listen.
You laying in her bed, every night,
I knew you was kissing.
Smelled her perfume on your shirt,
Your guilt on your lips,
When you kiss me goodbye,
Knowing you’re returning to her every night.
And i knew.
I just never wanted to believe it was trust,
That this was coming from you..

Little angel, that was once in me,
Mama loved you,
I promised,
Mama loved you.
Daddy didn't know you,
Mama was scared.
You would of been beautiful,
Mama wish she knew what you was going to be.
But she knew you would of been beautiful.
Mama was going through some things,
Mama wasn't ready for you my sweet baby.
Mama knew why she was always angry,
You was dying,
Mama didn't know how to tell daddy,
But mama loved you.
Mama hopes you understand,
Mama wasn't okay,
Daddy wasn't there.
You wouldn't be in good care.
Mama missed you,
Little angel that was once in me.

Going through this sudden tragic alone,
Losing my rose petals,
Lord my stomach hurts.
No one to run too,
Nobody seems to care.
Why am I really here.
All I do is tear.
I no longer want to be here,
I feel it.
The end for me is near.

Feeling like you don't belong,
Lately it's been so hectic.
Wanting nothing but some affection,
But lately it's been so busy.
You have priorities,
Promises you made.
But you're tired,
You need a hug.
You're body is dying,
You feel is suffering.
You're becoming ill,
The food you have consumed,
Went down the drains.
Can I just go?
Take the next train?
You desperately need a break.
And you miss him.
And you're fighting,
No clue on his end,
But you're fighting.
To stay healthy,
You are fighting.
Promise to never let go.

I believe God gave us the struggles we go through for a reason.
Even if it doesn't make sense now,
It might make sense in the future.
Never question his reason as to why you are suffering.
Because God has a great plan for you.
It's just too soon to see it.

Haven't been writing much lately. I guess I don't have much to say, or maybe I can't put these feelings into words? Whatever it is, I know it's going to get worst. Like how he wished you used me, in ways I wish to not say. Or that time I thought god was calling my name, reaching him for help, but instead he didn't care and let me choose the wrong way. The day I was gettig ready to go to class, until I heard my phone ringing, it was you. I hesitated, should I read those texts, Should I do this to myself? I did anyways. Every word I read felt like a knife going through me. I was patient, I was calm, but that knife kept going through me. Text messages to my friend, she's like a sister too me. telling her **** baby girl I'm about to do it.  This depression because of him, is no joke, I'm about to lose it. Give me minutes girl I'll be right there. As I held the pills in my hands, reading all these back and forth accusations of somebody who claimed they loved me, treating me so bad, because I left him lonely not knowing the lonely one who was hurting was me, because they were too blind to see the depression inside of me, growing. My body starts shaking, the bottle is whom I went too, sitting on the floor two feet away from my feet, one pill on the ground, the rest, resting on my clinch tight hands, as I try so hard to overcome this feeling called suicide. To whom I fell in love with, broke me down deep inside. I didn't want to be alive. The Messages in my eyes, couldn't believe what I was reading, felt like he was teasing. When he was done, he would always say he was sorry. I gave him the glory.. Of disrespecting me, when I gave him my world to explore in. And we're not talking planes, cross country, exploring.. How could someone do such harm, take you for granted, tell you there sorry, and repeat the **** story? Finding your weakness, and use it to break you down. Questioning god like why me, lord why me? All you ever wanted was to feel loved, because God gave you this big heart, and you share it but get nothing in return. If it wasn't for my best friend, lord knows I wouldn't make it.. Disappointed in myself, as you should be disappointed of me. To see me get so weak, cause of a man who didn't know how to love me. I'm sorry..

have you ever laid in bed and felt something was missing?
like a warm arm wrapped around you at night to get through it?
or someone kissing your forehead at night, before you sleep,
so you can feel safe at night?
have you ever felt like you are not receiving enough,
than what you are giving?
have you ever been called beautiful,
when you needed to hear those words, even if you don't believe it?

everytime I meet someone, they want nothing but ****** pleasure.
same words being used,
"If we have ***, than you can be my girlfriend."
is *** what blinds you males to realize that the women who wants to treat you right, has more to offer than just ***?
she is not like the rest,
yet you treat her like she is.
she's trying to find ways and reasons,
as to why you keep treating her like the women you played in the past,
you keep telling her,
that she isn't like the last,
yet you keep admiring her body, more than her mind.
not reminding her how beautiful she looks,
as she struggles everyday to find beauty in herself.
sees you look at others, as she looks at herself, and see that what you see in them,
isn't what she has,
but she's dying to want it,
and by dying,
I mean she's physically hurting herself in everyway shape and form to become like those women who you love so much,
without even having to say it in words.
she knows that *** isn't the only thing that she has to offer,
and she's trying to make it stop,
show her worth.
but knowing he wants nothing more but that,
is what makes everything worst.
its more than just ****** pleasure,
she is an angel.
yet, you continue to throw her down,
lower her self esteem,
instead of building her,
you destroy the inside of her heart,
rotten her to death, with your poison of ***.
and each and every time,
she finds herself wondering,
why cant you notice that there's more to this,
more to ***.
more to this.
more to this.
more to this.
more to ***.
***.
***.
***.
***.
***.
more.

Stomach in pain,
He rubbing it,
So my body can feel okay.
They said it'll be like this for a few days.
Finding comfort on his shoulder,
That's where I use to lay,
He knows my body aching,
So he reminds me that it'll be okay,
Remember the doctors said just a few days.

Saw the worst it got,
I became more and more afraid.
Until one night, I went into that room,
on the floor she laid.
I shook her, she was blue, her skin was cold,
And she wasn't breathing.
Screamed Marie wake up!
I couldn't handle that she was leaving.
Mom and bro is running down, I screamed
Somebody help!
sharp up in the chest, CPR but it didn't help..


-GEazy

If i told you that he tried to touch me,
Would you trust me?
If I told you who it was,
Would you stay calm,
Not want to find him
And just hug me?
If I told you he held me against my life
With bullets through my head,
When you still tell me that you love me?
If I told you I screamed your name in fear,
Hoping that you would appear,
Would you not feel helpless,
And not tell me you're sorry,
When you whisper in my ears.
If I told you I kept this a secret,
Can you not hate me,
And not ask me why did I keep it?
..
If I told you I have scars below my rose,
Can you not ask to see it?
If I told you I didn't need you,
Can you not leave me

When I was in need,
You was always there.
You didn't always do me right,
But yes.
You was there.
When I was hurting,
You made sure my tears were in your hands,
You always caused these fights,
Yes.
But you was there.
When I was yelling,
You held me down,
Control my anger.
You made me yell,
Yes.
But you was there.
When I fell to ground,
You picked me up,
You made me feel weak,
Yes.
But you was there.
When I held those pills in my hands,
You came running into my room,
You made me do it.
Yes.
But you was there..

I laid on his chest,
That was rotten with poison,
That filled up his veins.
As I listened to his heartbeat,
I was feeling so ashamed.
Here I am,
Falling in love again.
This time I knew the games,
That he played,
Yet I told myself just stay.
And there I laid.
Filling my body with poison.
He caused more pain,
What might be growing inside of me,
My screams tried to tell him.
Why I wanted to stay.
But yet he let me rot,
Self destruct,
You little mutt.
Oh how much I hate you,
But this living thing inside of me,
Won't let me replace you,
As I laid one more finale time,
What was once my favorite spot too be,
Let your venom **** me.
Your child growing inside of
Me..

When will it be my turn to love?
Will somebody make me think twice when I say love is nothing but a battle, and falling in love is something I shall never do?
Will somebody prove me wrong, that love is something special between two..

I have such a big heart, it's really so unfair.

Wish somebody loved me.

I only have a few months to live anyways,
So who gives a **** if I die anyways?
Who cares about my wrong decisions in wanting to have it end shortly anyways?
Why does this have to **** me anyways?
Anyways..

You promised me,
that you wouldn't leave me.
you did.
And That's when you killed me.

I don't want to lie to you no more,
I'm sick.
I have a few months to live.
Maybe less.
I feel it in my chest,
My pain,
My battles.
Arguing makes the pain stronger,
And don't hate me when I say,
I do it for I can die faster.
Y'all don't know the truth.
See my smiles,
But it's for them,
Not for me.
I don't want to be here,
God taking me slowly,
there just too blind to see it.

You were suppose to be,
My knight charming armor.
But you shot a bullet too me.

He only wants me until the mornings.
But is he really the one to blame?
As I am telling him that me laying in his bed,
For his satisfaction is okay.
Or maybe it's me?
Since, I can no longer sleep without being in his arms,
And waking up to his kisses.
Yes, they are no labels,
Lost in confusion, as to what we are,
And realizing you do not care..

So maybe,
It is not him that wants to stay, until the sun rise,
But rather me,
While I lay on his chest,
Not wanting him to leave,
As if it was a sarcarfice.
And yet I crave more than just this,
But never find the effort,
To find "this".

And yet I feel like his wantings are different from mine,
But yes I am okay with this,
And some days I am not.
But laying by his side,
Is something I cherish,
I can't deny.
And I know he lies,
And no he's not the right guy,
But why is it that when I am not laying by his side, until the morning sun rise,
I cannot sleep at night?
..

might be asking for too much,
Attention?
Sweet talks?
How about an unexpected phone call?
Late night texts, to wake up and smile?
The feeling of being wanted is a girls best feeling.
Finding ways to feel good about herself.
I suppose.

Roof top views are the best.
Nothing but the dark blue skies,
Shimmering with bright white stars.
Dazzing off into a place where life is lifeless,
Drama isn't important,
And stress is non existence.
Relaxing your body with the vision of something bigger,
Something much deeper,
If you just had that one person,
Seeing these dark blue skies,
shimmering with the bright white stars,
It will all just be so perfect,
No words being said,
But so worth it.

God knows what I need to do,
But am I ready?
Is it simply that easy?
It feels like it.
Decisions I should be making for my own happiness,
But am I already happy?
God please tell me why you keep doing this too me?
Am I failing you?
I know my well being isn't at the greatest point in my life,
But lord please tell me that you know that I am trying!
Please tell me that you see me try to shove down these meals,
That my body no longer wants to eat.
You cannot tell me that you don't see me,
Waking everyday with knifes in my back,
That I forgot to take out at night,
Lord please tell me this is the end,
Of these sleepless nights?
Please tell me this isn't what I need to do,
And I know it feels right,
But please don't make me do it.
I am fighting everyday,
I know you hear me scream at night!
The minute they pronounce me as
"Cancer Patient",
God you knew,
This was going to be done.
Is that why you were preparing me?
All these years of suffering and aching,
Is that why when I sleep, I can't lay on my chest through the night?
Is that why you kept hurting me lord?
Please tell me is that why?
I feel it.
You know I do feel this pain,
In between my chest,
I feel it sometimes,
But lord I feel it.
Am I not good enough?
Why didn't the times I wanted to be gone,
Work?
Why all of a sudden,
This pain is coming back,
I never get a break,
I am cursed.
God, please hear me.
Is this what I need to do?
Do I hold his hand, and never let him go?
Or do I walk away, and let him find a true love?
Lord please hear me,
I cannot take this anymore.
Make me feel beautiful,
I just want to be loved.
Lord hear me.
Why don't you love me ...

everyday i think to myself is life even worth it?
or should i just pull it..

Is being too much to upsetting?
Is being too much to handle not good?
Is it okay?

Someone new.
No he isn't you.
he's a better you.

I cannot sleep,
Without wishing you was here.
Screaming in my ears,
As I wish I was cuddling,
Trying not to shed a tear.
Wake to you in the morning,
Look at you,
Tell you how I much I love you,
And having the feeling of never wanting to wake up,
Since laying on your chest is my comfort,
But a girl can only dream,
Since you are not here,
And these are more than just tears.
I miss you tonight,
I wish that you could hear..

If God could physically see how far I've came, and how happy I've become, he would be so proud of me.

So proud.

Wish some things were different,
Like the way my body aching.
Doing permanent damage.
If I keep this up,
The thoughts of becoming a mother,
Something that i might not be able to be.
Due to stress,
Maybe depression,
Or a little bit of both.
Fighting to keep those around you,
Not realizing,
That you need them the most.  
The body becoming ill,
And you hide it it,
So you can go through a few days,
Without having to spill.
May this night be better,
May this pain go away,
May my body heal,
Let the ache go away.

Give me one reason as to why,
You wanted this type of guy.
Why you laid in his bed that night,
Because it felt right?
Do you even know what that feels like?
He wanted nothing,
But a girl he can call late night,
You let him abuse you.
You let him and his army,
Go through you.
Give me one reason as to why,
You wanted this type of guy.
Did you even know him?
You felt alone,
So you went for it.
Not knowing the nightmare that it would become.
Laying, in a bed,
Being pushed down,
Slammed,
As if you are a piece of meat.
Crying out for help,
Calling the name of the only man who knew your childhood,
Knowing he is no longer here to save you.
Close your eyes,
It'll go by fast.
Words being repeated in your mind,
As you felt the strong *******,
Against them thighs,
Accusing yourself for this mistake.
And when they was done,
They left you stranded,
Clothes abandoned,
Blood on the bed sittings,
Finding strength to gather yourself,
Never once spoken,
Never once told.
Every man who comes near you,
You feel fear,
Scared of what they did to you,
This man will do the same too..

If you ever felt alone, comment yes.
Because I know this feeling isn't easy, but we'll be okay. I promise to you all, that it will get easy.

‪If i took my life, will that stop the pain?‬
‪If i told you i was hurting, will you numb the pain?‬

woke up today,
Thanking God that I'm alive today.
Thanking god he's okay today.
Thanking God that were alright today.
I woke up today,
Feeling blessed to see his face,
Hear his voice,
Hold his hands,
Kiss his lips,
Because he's still mine today.

Do I love him?
Or do I hold back, because I'm scared he'll hurt me, just like the last one.

Anger is your enemy.
You become into something others don't wish to see.
From yelling to screaming to bad attitude,
To taking it out on the most important person you care for.

It takes control of your body, until it becomes you.
Another you, a mask,
To show the disaster going through your mind,
From all the bombs hitting you at once.
Anger is controlling.
It's the enemy.

Young girl with a great heart. Play dumb but she book smart. Fooled around with them hood bums. Now she worrying about her unborn, no support she didn't have none. Mistakes? She said she never had done. Now she's feeling ashamed. She needs to understand she's not the only one to blame. To leave what's in her body, it's not your fault baby you had to stop it. Dreams of holding there little feet and hands, is hard to fight it. You was a young girl, who was in love with a ***. The feeling of sending gods gift back, girl you hate it. So you did it. Printed fingers on the glass, wishing this was your last, substances down your throat, eyes shutting, as the memories of what you had inside of you, another soul, was destroyed, because you was too young to hold, so you did it.
(Suicide and Abortion)