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hard liquor makes my stomach turn.

opening a bottle of ***** is like taking the lid off of a tupperware container full of liquid charcoal.
I swear it looked like something delicious,
but the way it folds in my stomach,
not at all like how my mother taught me to fold batter in a bowl,
tells me otherwise.

downing a shot in one go is challenging.
this cake ***** doesn’t taste at all like cake,
and fireball has a tendency to taste like actual fire,
and i’m still not sure if that’s actually intentional. maybe ironically.
but a dare’s a dare and spin the shot landed on me
i wasn’t playing, i was really just walking by
no really, someone else can have it, go ahead, spin it again
but the arrow is pointing right at me and now everyone is staring and well,
a dare’s a dare.
isn’t it?

a dare’s a dare until liquid charcoal isn’t all you’re spewing,
because word ***** and actual ***** kinda feel the same
at least after six shot of… well i’m not really sure.
that cute guy over there… no the other one. in the hat.
he gave it to me,
said it’ll loosen me up.
I suppose i believed him, half because i wasn’t really listening,
i was looking at his teeth
I wonder if he whitens them.
he must have had braces.

well anyway, i drank it and it kinda tasted like gasoline
but i bet i looked cool swigging from his two six.
probably only until the sixth chug, when the first one hit my eyes
and i couldn’t really see ****** expressions anymore
i guess that’s when i got brave

word ***** and actual ***** kinda feel the same,
especially when you’re not really sure which one is happening
oh, maybe both.
and now he’s holding my hair and i’m biting my tongue
but my stomach is heaving and he looks so good
he definitely had braces. no one is born with teeth that nice
i bet he doesn’t drink red wine
i bet he flosses twice a day.
i should brush my teeth
this doesn’t taste like cake at all.
I want to be like nature
nature has no worry,
no tremor in the night
of what the day will bring,
no panic attacks in the shower

the sky looks down and even
in its insurmountable size
it cannot help the ground
it watches men dig up her roots
and lay their own falsehood
on her and the construction equipment
drowns out her weeping

the sky is at the mercy of the clouds,
constantly being washed over with
sadness and not being able to stop
crying, sometimes the sky stays in bed
for days without so much as
opening her blinds

she sees her lover the trees being
used by men who won't remember her
in the morning once they
devour her and take her
away and she gets so angry but
the lightning strikes never
land where she wants them to,
overcome by anguish for being
so big and so blue and so helpless

but sometimes the seasons spend the
night and actually stay for breakfast,
and she feels so lovely
she beams with radiance and
the whole earth smiles

nature has no worry;
the earth knows that
these men prying her apart
like lock jaw will some day
return and they will plant
flowers in her and repent
for their sins

she is the woman you come home
late to and she already has
the bed turned down, and
even when the sky sees her
dressed in white she has to stop and
catch her breath.

the sky knows some days
the clouds will hang on her
like cinder block and they will be
relentless, but when you are
the blanket the whole child of earth
is tucked in under she is calm,
relinquishing to the night with
the peace of knowing every fog
will be burnt away

she sees every one of her lovers
reincarnations and loves her again
and again and again in every life;
when she sees the trees being cut
like green split ends she writes a
eulogy in the breeze, sending away
her lovers leaves to be lived again
always closer to her own heart

the universe has seen come & go,
it knows the taste of unfaithful,
has found her hairs in its bed, but
still she cooks breakfast for one and
locks her doors as she leaves

she knows men will try to change her,
fail, and then leave and
they will try to change her, fail,
and then leave and she has no worry
that her eyes will stay bright,
her hands never cramped into bitterness,
nature has no worry.
today makes 10 years
and it's ironic that
you died
around Valentine's Day
because
your favorite color
was always pink
you were beautiful
and you suffered
and it was not beautiful
but you were beautiful
you are beautiful

this poem will not be sad
because you are not sad
I did not cry today
because you wouldn't have
wanted me to
I cooked myself scrambled eggs
and set two places
at the table
I wore a dress for you
I put on lipstick for you
elegance was the house you built

today I chose to love because
I love you
I am a woman because
you showed me how to be one
I sat in the back yard
between the tall pine trees
because I haven't forgotten
how much you loved to garden
I'm sorry your gentle might didn't
translate into my clamoring bones
I am too much me to be soft like you

I wrote your name on my desk today
without the vowels
I still know it's you but it's not there
like I want it to be
showing me how to plant flowers
how to make light with my ***** hands
because of you, whom I love
because of you I love
for my beautiful grandmother, who was like a mother to me; thank you for showing me love that abounds even through death.
I'm not ready to forget you yet.
I am waiting
for the day
you come and find me
here
giving me all
the love you have
withheld
and I will show you
the depths of my heart
I will meet you in the abyss
I will not be half hearted
no
no more
you will teach me
why my heart
felt so heavy
waiting for you
in you I will see
every reason I could not love
him
or him
or him
or him
I was saving it all for you
and now I know
the holes in my heart
and the chaos in my head
were all for you
because of you
the suffering was so sweet
you were worth the Empty Januaries
and the Hardest September of My Life
but now you are here
and these are no more
my heart is open
and I can love you
you are here
the whole world stops
the obvious tragedy
torment me torment me
light rain to torrent
puddle to sea
it lines up so
perfectly

these are just some
lines in place of those
I'd rather have led
up my nose
or is it lead?
oh well, who knows
there's sun draping
the flowers that grow

that is what should be
the focus now, those
flowers literally
let it resound
they reach pretty finger
into the ground
embrace the earth
let it resound

the goal is to rise far
above, the putrid petty
pushes and shoves
a pitying glance from
the woman you love
your pride, starved for
romance, worn like
a glove

it's reachable in some
context, though those
roads aren't
illuminated yet
but they lay still
tread-able and you
have able step
light your own way
illuminate yet

it's hard to convey
the meaning, of
this whole mess
feelings and things
I myself don't know
what good it brings
this whole mess
feelings and things
drunk among other things
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