why do boys think it is okay

to be in love with someone

while making someone else fall for them,

knowing they will never mean anything

to them.

i always had my suspicions

and now i know for real

that it was all a lie.

when you were kissing me,

it was her you were picturing.

holding my hand,

wishing it was hers.


i slept with you

out of love.

while you slept with me

to fill the void

left behind by the space

between you and her

that i can never fulfill.


you admitted it to me,

told me to my face

that you lied.

she was never just a friend,

but the girl I will never compare to.

you admitted to knowing
that in the end
you would break my heart
and i think
that is
what hurt the most.

the line between

consent and assault

is blurred in my memory

if i gave consent - but i was only a child - while he

was three years ahead, a senior

taking advantage of a freshman

is that considered non consensual

even though

i did not say no.

this memory has been suppressed for over two years

i don't remember many details

other than his hand pressed against me

like a hot iron that burned me if i moved,

my shaky breaths of terror he took as pleasure,

i thought it was normal

that i had to reciprocate

that i had to be okay with it.

he flirted with me the days leading up

to that night

it was seductive and it worked

i was lured into his trap

my ignorant brain didn't know any better

it was the beginning of high school

i thought it was normal

i thought i consented .

my lips had just touched another boys before

a sad excuse of a kiss,

i was inexperienced beyond belief

nowhere near ready for his hand to be on me.

i could not even say no

for his family was there to

when he sat next to me in the back seat

he automatically assumed power over me,

while i

was powerless.

i told myself to let it go

that it meant nothing and i would get over it

he was my best friends brother

i couldn't dare risk our friendship

over something

i might have

consented to.

i can't seem to get over you,

at the club i wish it was you

asking me to dance.


all the guys that ask me to hangout

find themselves being rejected,

because i still love you.


yet there you are,

as soon as we break up,

finding other girls,

hooking up,

seeing them,

as if i meant nothing

as if

we

were

nothing.

you broke my heart in two

and all it took

was silence.


did you not care that i was breaking?

that each word took all the strength i had?

couldn't you see that I was trembling?

why didn't you care?


it is because

i poured my heart out

to someone emotionless.

i gave into your words,
allowed myself to believe in you,
became vulnerable in your arms,
naked under your touch.

i wanted to give myself to you,
thinking you were worthy of it,
that we were in love,
and this was another level of connection.

you liked spending time with me,
which made it harder for you to move,
i thought it was sweet,
until i realized it was said right after ***,
and timing is everything.

you refused to leave my side when i cried,
even when i asked you to,
making me think you were amazing,
until you asked to have ***,
and timing is everything.

you were listening to me
open up about my feelings for you,
intensified with love,
until you said you were too ***** to talk,
and timing is everything.

i ignored all those times,
wanting so desperately
to believe you were genuine,
that what we felt was real,
and it was not an unrequited love.

until you left,
after promising to keep in touch,
and I never heard from you again,
so I caved,
finally understanding,
you were using me for ***.