fibers in the carpet, in between your toes
tickle the soles of your feet all the way to my room

every day is grief, every night is I’m sorry

I’m sorry that I couldn’t find happiness, even in the nooks and crannies of life.

Today I tried to die
Wrinkled my nose up at life

Sleeping soberly awake, drunkenly aware of the state I’m napping in.

When I reach out, you’re not there. A figment of my imagination. A feeling beyond compare. But I will, I’ll compare you to everyone and anything that makes me feel something, but not enough.

I’ve got to move on from the grave of grief I built you in my backyard. Today’s the first and last day I’ll sit beside your final resting place. When they asked me where I wanted you to be buried I said I didn’t care, because I knew in my heart you weren’t here. You were weaved and wrapped around my veins, all drains lead to the oceans at least that’s what they all say. When I leave your body here and my body there, I promise I won’t forget you dear. I’ll grow my roots to you, circle back and tuck you in. Wrap you in the sweetest linen, and finally let the love in. I’ve got to move on from the grave of grief I built you in my backyard.

I wish when you spoke of poetry, it was about me. When your lips licked similes off the page, I wish it was me. Always will

Do I have to display my pain on stage for pay? Do you need to hear the crack in my voice to earn the coin? To know the sincerity in my lack of integrity is worth the paycheck.

Mellow dramatic Madison
The three M’s to remember me by

M-trauma
M-abuse
M-healing

If we take the same bite at the same time with the same *** is it plagiarism?

it’s hard to hear, “ no” over your own ego

24 hours to endure every last painstakingly long drawn out rewound memoried wound displayed across my brain. No matter how hard I erase, the pencil still leaves the marks on my body you left for me to remember you by.

24 hours to endure how my insides turned out that day. They’ve never involuted ever since, my core a prison I keep myself in.

אֹנֶס

You can’t say no, to a question that you were never asked.

I wish I could eat the smoke, snort the fog into the back of my throat
Engulf my lungs in dense thick black smog. The ache still stays

today I shopped, I shopped because the pounds had dropped. Sunk to the bottom of my ghost town stomach. Melted out of my sunken eyes, dripped from my cracked lips.

The changing room lights accentuated the rolls and zig zags in my stomach. The lighting strikes and scars that the battle at the dinner table left behind.

the hurt, hurts so well

when your screams were loud enough to shake my happiness off the walls,
when your fist raised more than the hairs on my neck,
when your eyes became empty as the walls that you shook, when your hands were so rough I wondered if they had ever held me at all,
when my room was involuted, when my soul shrunk back in on itself, I moved on

it’s funny how my appetite is gone, how my side aches, and still I am the main character for every fat joke in the book.

You are so beautiful to me, me.

will I be beautiful after the scalpels and the stitches?

We all have thoughts that linger, drift in and out of thoughtfulness. Behind and in front of every atom that pieced together our brain. Incomplete jigsaw, rotating merry go round. Fill in the missing puzzle pieces. You

Left handed, back flipping, cat having, black haired, brown eyed boys

We all have thoughts that linger, drift in and out of thoughtfulness. Behind and in front of every atom that pieced together our brain. Incomplete jigsaw, rotating merry go round. Fill in the missing puzzle pieces. Me

Left handed, double jointed, dog having, blond haired, blue eyed girls

If I could write away my fears, my hand would hurt and my chest would not.

He said, “ please don’t be too dark tonight”. But I’ve never seen the morning. I’ve never felt the light hit my pupils, I’ve never dilated my emotions to see the happiness lying beneath. I don’t know about sun rises or sun glasses and extra spf. I know about flashlights without batteries and nights that never end. I know about the grief that has always been too much for your Wednesday midday brunch soul.

Do I have bad thoughts, or do the bad thoughts have me?

I am so depressed, there is no other poetic way to be beautifully honest about the crumbling ruins of your insides

On the bed made up of grief
Tucked in with neat linen lies lined sheets
Fluffy pillows to lay your aching brain on
The warmest cover, to always keep you cold

and if my finger tips touched my lips, would it kiss away the sadness on my skin

You are all encompassing, my peace

I brushed my teeth naked today, cleaning the wounds inside and out.

I feel like I can’t be loved with the lights on

My heart is nothing but aches, it quakes through my whole body.

the insults erode the load bearing walls,
the cutting floods the basement that kept all your memories safe,
concrete floors and gray textiled bathroom displays are your favorite after dinner snack,
toilet bowls over flows with the words, fat girl.

Get out there, get out somewhere, get out from beneath your lair. Hometown homicide. Moms house hand me downs. Where everyone knows your name...or how you got it.

W
  H
    O
       R
          E

Cigarette, marionette, put it between my lips and play pretend. Pretend to call me, or to care whether or not I got home safe tonight. Too many words so TIGHT between those lips, wet enough to lubricate every lie that drips like honey onto my ****.


Make me feel real tonight baby.

I wait for you to unblock me, to unstop me, from feeling all this blasphemy. I wait for you to share the same feelings as me. I wait for you to like me, me, me, me. Me as I am or who I want you to see me. Either or the same girl blends well, bleeds great.

I post another picture, “ Love the life you live.” As I swallow the last pill.

And please keep telling me all the things you hate about yourself, so I can learn to hate them about me too.

Locked doors and soft snores are the only thing that’s kept me safe

It’s hard to forget the anger in your voice, that never left.

I want my chest to stop aching, I want to know that I’m leading myself in the right direction.

Death makes you a ******. Death makes you a little girl too scared to cry. Death wakes you up.

Open says me,
Open says I,
Open says heart

I hope one day it’s just a memory and not an activity.

We cut when we’re not brave enough to die, just yet just yet

Unfroze hearts are bait on the sharpest hooks. It never thawed anyways.

And when I told the universe it could take back my existence, I waited to be snuffed out like the candle burning on my bedside table. I wanted to feel like the dust I was to return to.

He said I’m good at giving head & headaches. I’m sorry for complaining about my jaw pains. I’m sorry for the earthquake, that you started in my stomach. The the heart pangs that rattle my rib cage. I am sorry that I’ve accepted this fate. I’m sorry I’m a fat **** that no one will date.

I could just go, like an unanswered wish in the wind. Swept up in the dirt to grow again.

And I am sorry world, that my hair is always up, and my eyes always down.

I fill my basin with my favorite empty things. And act surprised when I don’t want to be alive. Thirsty