These will not be pretty poems
I have run out of ways
To paint this catastrophe
In any way other than what it is
All I have left is what is left
And none of that is pretty

You
This time
Was different
But the
Leaving
The same

My list of goodbyes for this year
Have been extensive and excruciating

I've lost more than I've gained

Every goodbye was difficult
Tearing at the hem of my humanity
My sanity

I've lost more than I've gained

I feel so much older and harder
Yet none the wiser
Just More broken

I feel I like I've lost

Every goodbye is etched into the crevice
Of my ever in creasing in stone hardening heart

And yet it weeps
for what it refuses to let go

Ive lost

I want to wake up on my tummy with the sunrise
and your kisses down my back
I want the memory to replace the one
where his leaving implied I lacked
I want your fingers trailing through my senses
erasing his fingers off my skin
I need you to be relentless lover,
whatever your name,
you are here to build Mexico city on top of atlantis
and I can't afford for you to fail
I need you to be so very brave,
to evade our monsters to be lust's slave
I'm sure you're eyes are green
but all I see is piercing blue,
and while you kiss me I feel his lips on me too
lover you are losing this battle
between my heart and my head
I'll be sending you along soon
so I can be restless alone in my empty bed

I read letters you never wrote
folded and unfolded
hidden in the empty space
of your leaving coat
I take a drag of my last cigarette
and take a sip from our glass
of old regrets
I listen to sad songs
that mean nothing
and pray for the peace
I know should come
but nothing seems to bring
I unpack empty suitcases
filled with all the things
your leaving told I lacked
I sleep with ghosts
your monsters  
my regrets
and our memories
but what we really need
is just to let it be
I wish I could say
you could hold on
to the old promises
but the truth is simply this
this nothing
that resides
where your lies used to hide
this is all that remains
of what used to sustain

You won't be
Forgiven
For the lies
Your fingertips
Left