First man I've ever seeked
****** approval from
No other guy has laughed
When I touched his belt

Without her
I'm thrown into this huge sea
Of firsts.

I guess I'm lucky I'm one of those people who look pretty without make up.
I guess I'm also one of those people with a ****** up mind as well.

My head has hit
a ******* wall
I want to tear my hair out
And jump off
My house roof,
Going in head first to ensure
A snapped neck.
Because nothing matters
To them
Unless the word suicide
Is brought up.
And god knows I've been
Feeling up to it.

Over a year of
Kisses and
Hugs
And first times
And flowers.
Over a year of
Holding hands
And shivering skin
And laughs
And memories.
I'll never forget
All that you have given me.
Thank you. ❤

How do I keep the ugly feelings inside from coming outside and being okay with it deep down Im not. The ugly isn't dissipating its growing and I can't stop it anymore

Am I really that mean
Do I really have that much hate in my heart

If there is anybody
On this website
That wants to talk to me,
Please do.
I just need anybody.
Crying out for help.

Life 1:
Me and my husband
Will have love
Sprinkled with lust
And trust
And loyalty.
He will be some type of
Hard hat worker
And I'll be the cutesy teacher.
We will have
A dog and five kids
And a big back yard
With a wooden swing set
My hubby set up.
Soft,
Sweet emotions.
The only problem is--
I'm not a soft
Or sweet girl.

I love you Lindsey,
I love you.*
I couldn't say it back.
It got stuck in my throat
With all the other things
I want, but cannot, say.

I hate this
I hate myself
I hate that we changed
That we had to heal
Had to separate
I feel it in my blood
We are different

He makes me complete
But when he isn't next to me
I feel crazy
Like he needs to be next to me at all times
And if he isn't
I'll lose him

I threw her drunk *** onto the ground by her hair
Got on top of her
Her hands hit my arms
But didn't hurt at all
I punched her face
One
Two
Three
Stand up shaking

I know how you feel.
I know what you feel.

The front you put on is the biggest
Crime you could ever commit.

Your makeup, clothes, and hair
Hide your cracks.

Your laugh,
Your forever immaturity.

Your 'forever young
Wild and free.'

I see through it.
I see through every hook up
You have
A week long noncommittal
Relationship.
Every other week.
Every other ****.

You say "you know
I'm not usually like this"
You say "it's only a
One time thing"

But how many people
Can be a one time thing

Until it just piles up into a
Blur
Of one night stands?

Until people realize
You don't have a dad
-Not a real one.

Until they see what holds
You together is string
Tied to the boys you ****

Until they see the hole
You have that nothing can fill.

Nothing can fill it.
Not friendship.
Not love.

You, my dear, are lost.
And more alone than you've
Ever been.

And I will not let you
Swallow me up into the
Hole you have.

I will no longer try to
Save you.
Only you can save you.

And it hurts you to be good.
And it feels good to be bad.

I know you, girl.
I know you, woman.
I know you.
And I know
How you are.

Good luck.
And good bye.

All we want is someone to love us.
Somebody who will kiss our foreheads
When we are asleep. Who will tuck our hair behind our ears. Make us laugh. Make us smile. Distract us. Someone who wouldn't ever break us, and someone who will pick up the pieces. We want a love that isn't tainted by the stains of our ruined fingers. When we go home we want to smell like them. Wake up to them. Soft. Sweet. Then passionate. We want someone who will say "I will love you as long as you let me".

The burn of the alcohol
Is burning all my memories
Away

Into my room and out the window
Little pictures on fire
Smoke in my lungs
Crying softly
Begging the emptiness
To come and take it all away

Dear god
Please tell me how to make it all go away without having to put a bullet in my brain.

God I know I'm not fat
But I can feel it squish out of my
******* jeans
And my stretch marks run down my thighs
And up my waist
I don't understand
I'm not horribly fat
My stomach slithers and droops
Out of my jeans
So squishy squashy
I hate it I hate it
I hate being fat
No more fat fat fat

She looked at me
Confusedly
Pulled her hand back up
Asked me why
I shrugged and apologized
I don't think anyone's
Ever told her no
To getting into their pants

We have been best friends since I was 12. That means we have been friends for almost 6 years. And while I have changed greatly, it seems you haven't changed a bit. Except now you like to have *** and drink, snort Molly and smoke ****. I have never pretended to be your friend because being your friend is like breathing air. It comes so easily. I fit into it so well. We both do. We know exactly how to act around eachother and what to say. I buy you food, clothes, and we have had our fair share of matching and trading outfits. Remember in eighth grade when we traded wardrobes? You came to school all girly and I came all goth? It was crazy. Or when we snuck out for the first time and we were soooo loud? I have no idea how we didn't get caught. Or you doing my eyeliner because I ****** at it. I remember the hole in your wall you covered with a heart. I remember everything. We used to never fight, we were so close people swore up and down we were lesbian for each other. Then we got broken a few times. Good times became getting high with Naomi on the dock or sneaking out to parties. (Like that one time we fought at autumns). We had been through so much. We slept better with each other than without. Then....something happened. I don't know what. After ****, then Stone....I just couldn't. Anymore. But the love was still there. It still is there. But it just doesn't feel the same. That's why I've asked to not be friends anymore.

Can't you tell
I'm always going to want you?
You could leave me now
For depression and death
You could leave me now
For a hundred years
And I could fall in love
A million times
And get married
And have kids
But when I see you
Even if I'm old and gray
I'd still take your wrinkled hand in mine and kiss it.
Whisper
"oh darling how I've missed you so"
In your ear
And think *finally

You are my best distraction
Sweet honest Austin
With your hair
And those eyes
So good
So nice
But when the lights are turned off
And we have said our
Goodnights
I still bury my face in my pillow
And let out long wailing cries
Cause you can't really fix me
I long for my true makers hands
But fear keeps me at bay
I guess I'm forced to go
The straighter and conservative
Way.

I promise you that whatever problems
I have with her
I still love you
And
You are not alone.

You ask me why I'm with you?
Fine.

I'm with you because of the way
Your eyes look when you are looking
At the ground and smiling
And the way you brush my hair back
With your fingertips
How you hold my face
And kiss my cheek
The way you laugh
Walk
Hold my hand
Wrap your arms around me
I promise you
You aren't alone in this
I love you for your
Scratchy beard
And soft caressing hands
Just know I do love you
Even if it means nothing to you
I do.

I hate myself so much
I only let them **** me in the dark

I want to be dead so much
But I'm too scared about
What the afterlife is
If it even exists

I want to be gone
But if I'm dead
It won't matter
If they miss me cause
I won't be there to see it

I am not who I used to be
I eat souls
That have fallen for me
I spit them back out
With their ***
As well
I'm heartless
And full of audacity
And stupidity
But I dont care
I have no morals anymore
I take what I can get
And steal even more
I'm hated
And loved
I'm full of regrets
But I'm me
An that's who I ******* am.

How am I
Nothing
Besides
Wrong

I sleep wrong
Smile wrong
Work wrong
**** wrong

Nothing in my life is right

Ill take a pair of scissors
To my face
And a blade to my wrists
Not an inch of my skin
Will be perfect
After this

Id rather be ignorant
Than know what happened
In that ******* tent
With that ******* girl.
I'd rather be high
Than remember kissing
Him in his beat up car
And kissing while
Sitting on his lap in Raven's couch.
I'd rather be dead
Than be without her.

I woke up today and I knew.
There was no way I'd make it through
My school day.
So I throw up my anxiety
And my mother thinks I'm
Truly sick.
I cry myself to sleep
And wake up
Numb

Ive lost over ten pounds
Sleeping
And just not eating
Seem like a perfect
match made in hell.

"Hermosa, you're not actually thinking about it are you?"
What? Cutting? Yes. My wrist has been throbbing for some blood. For some **** relief. I like the perfect long cuts yes I do oh yes I like the blood in my shower drain. I think about it every time I see her and HER together mi corazon. Lociento. I cannot help it. My head aches right along with my heart oh Ray make it go away please please

I wrap his arms around me
Let him touch me
Where I wouldn't let him touch
Before
Let him in
Let him feel me
Let his fingerprints
Leave stains on my neck
And inbetween my legs

Why is it I still feel you
On my skin,
And not him?

I hope that I make her feel
So beautiful and ****
And that when she looks in the mirror
She sees a wonderful smile
And big unyielding eyes
I want her to see curves
And hips
And *****
And ***
And lips that know how to kiss
I want her to feel ****
Like I'm not worthy of even touching her
I want her to realize how beautiful
And perfect
Every corner of her body is
And I want her to delight
In her confidence
And I want her to walk with pride
And I want to show her off
To the whole ******* world
To yell "see! See?! She is perfect
And proud an I love her
And she is mine!"
And most of all,
I want her to believe it.

I don't know what to do
I'm half a heart without you

Would it be crazy
If I said I liked you?

You're beautiful.
I love you.
I love you and you're beautiful
I couldn't care less
About
Jacob or Luke
Or whoever comes along
Because you're beautiful
And I love you.
I love playful kisses
And I love watching you dance
I love you and you're beautiful
So beautiful it hurts for a second
And then I look at you
And realize
Im right here, next to you.
And I realize
I don't want anybody but you.
**** the others.
You're beautiful
And
I
Love
YOU.

I just want to lose myself
In a dance
With a bottle
In my hands
And a boy
On my hips.

Im such a ******* failure
End of the quarter
And I have like two d's
And an F in geometry!
That's my ******* report card
To come home with?
I'm going to be grounded.
I hate that disappointed look
That my parents get
And their 'no grades no college'
Speech
Because they don't see
That all that does
Is tear me down
And make me want to give up
On everything
Including living
Because my sister is amazing
And going to an ivy league school
In new ******* York
And she is becoming a surgeon
And then there's Lindsey
The little lesbian black sheep
Who fails her classes
No hope for that one
I just get negative negative
All around me
And I hate it I HATE IT
SO ******* MUCH
PUT A *******
BULLET IN MY BRAIN
AND SWALLOW ALL THE PILLS
AND CUT ALL MY VEINS
JUST TO ENSURE I DIE.
That's the only way
I'll ever be remembered positively
In my house.
'such a shame'
And my mom will go pray to god
And ask why and think he works in mysterious ways
But he doesn't
It's my choice.
Nothing mysterious about it.

He sits there with
A bitter half empty bottle
Pressed loosely to his lips
His phone feels strange in his hands
And all the bravado is washed away
Truth after truth
He spills to me
I never knew one could have
So much self hate
Why do I always fall for
The ones I want to save

Im wearing her favorite color
(green)
I can't believe it's been a year
Since she last took a breath
I can't believe
I thought I lived in a world
With Adrienne for three months
Then realizing she was dead
She had cancer, you see.
Her hair falling out,
Couldn't eat chocolate.
A two time state wrestling champion
Who couldn't help but stretch
The truth,
But I still couldn't help loving her like a sister.
She wasn't weak
Or sickly
Her crazy hair and showing ribs
Was just... Adrienne.
Nobody recognized
What she had was killing her,
Because she didn't seem to be dying.
I didn't see it coming.
I subconsciously had confidence
That her attitude
And love for life
Would pull her through
With barely a scratch.
Now I'm here with pictures of her
And notes on my camp pamphlet
From her
And she is gone and gone and gone
An I want her back.

I want her hands
To be all mine
And her soft
Perfect kiss to be only mine
I need her body
To be mine
Jealousy wrecks my brain
To imagine him on her

Don't let me in
Don't trust me
Don't love me
This might be real for you
But to me it's all
Play pretend.

Come--
Lay with me under my blankets
Kiss my skin
Memorize the pattern of my gasps
Leave bruises on my hips

Come--
Let's take a drive into town
Play our music too loud
And get sick from smoking
Too many cigarettes

Come--
Stop talking to me for over a year
And then call me up
Crying and saying
"It was you, always you.."

Your fingertips
Burned into my back
A little indent
On the lower left side of my spine

I saw you today
And I realized I didn't know
Who you were anymore.
How is it I can know everything
Yet nothing all at the same time?
I didn't know what time you got up
Or if you ate breakfast
I don't know if you went to work
Or got groceries after school
I don't know if you cried last night
Or did your homework.
I know your family.
That you love your ears being kissed.
You love my hands.
I know you like to sing
But don't think your good enough.
I wish I knew you
Like I did back then.
Because now it's like
You're a stranger
And that's something
I never thought you'd be.
You don't belong to me anymore.

I sit on her bed
My stomach a pile of nerves
That make my hands tremor
And a little damp

She stands between me
I see it in her eyes
Her beautiful blue eyes
She holds my face
My body is shaking

I'm shaking
I'm shaking
She kisses me
Once
Twice

I melt into a puddle
I melt into her arms
I have to pull away
Because I can't wipe this ridiculous smile
Off my face

There.
Right below my sternum,
That’s where you want to make the incision.

Cut it out of me, please.
I want to see if this dark thing inside of me
Is as ugly as it feels.

I love the look on your face
When you're driving
And how you hair looks
When I pull off your hat
I love your yawn
In the morning
And the first kiss you give me
When I see you
I love you when you're crying
Because I know I'm there to hold you
And being there for you
Is all I want sometimes.
I love your laugh
When I tickle you just right
And your eyes are closed
With your smile seemingly permanent
Begging me to stop...
I just...
I love you.

It's crazy how
One person
One kiss
One smile
One touch
Can make your life feel
Perfect

If there's one thing I learned
About being in love while being young
Is
They
Won't
Stay.
You can go ahead and show them every single part of you and you can make promises of "forever and ever" and you can feel complete in their arms but somehow some way
They
Won't
Stay.
So go ahead. Show them.
Show your "true" lover your scars.
Show them your ugliness inside.
They won't stay.
They never do.