Is that when it ends
It’s hard, you know?
Losing a friend that I thought I would ask for help
for paining the walls of my new house and move the furniture in.

How am I supposed
to grieve that space you left in my life?

I still see you every day
Not just you,
the things I want to show you.
the things I think would interest you.
the things I think would make you laugh.

But I don’t know you anymore,
so maybe those things would be boring to you.

Maybe I’m overthinking this.
Maybe I’m being over dramatic about this.

But friendship
it’s one of the most precious things for me.
And I just keep losing it.

Maybe I’m
just not a good friend.

I’m trying.
Every day I try.
But its hard for me
                 to keep a façade,
                 to keep a conversation.

I’m hard to love
because I’m not always there.
But I thought that our friendship was strong enough
to stand my silence.

Its hard and
it hurts me.

But it's time
to let go that pain.

I’m letting you go.
I’m grieving and I’m moving on.

You were my friend
and now you’re not.

I’ll have to live with it.
I’ll smile when we lock eyes
and be grateful
I got to know you.

Let me hide
in the caverns
of your heart

Those carved out
from
               the pain
               the grief  
the cruelties of
this world
have left you

with a space in
the middle of
your soul
without pieces of
yourself

Let me hide
in those shallowness
Can you hear
the wind is playing
                                I promise to
                                be careful
with the sharp edges

Let me hide
in the cliffs
of your sadness
just above the sea
of your tears  

Where the
                   flowers
                   smiles  
don’t grow
maybe I
can plant them
there

They made you
bite and spite blood to distract the sharks around

To survive

But then

You met someone who is just
                too soft
                too good
That can look at the world
                 in all its ugliness
                 in all its cruelty
An even then
                 can smile and light the room
                 can just share the silence and bring peace
Someone you treasure so much

                that you end letting go
Because
                 that is  the only thing you know how to do
Because
                  that is the closest thing to love you know
Because
                  you only know how not to hurt

So you stood there watching their back
With the words cutting your throat
But you just can’t say them
Because
                 you don’t know how
Because
                 you don’t know how to say it
Because
                 when you try to say - ---- ---
It sounds like
                 I’m sorry
                 I’m happy for you
                 You can go
                 I can stay
                 I will wait
Maybe it doesn't have a sound at all

It was in my friend teaching me to play the piano
It was on my friend asking me if I had eaten anything
It was in my brother calling me names while rushing my hair
It was in my mother saying She just wants me to be happy
It was in my father saying he just wants the best for me

Because
                  everybody speaks it different
Because
                  sometimes it isn’t said
But if I learnt anything at all
Is that even if we don’t understand each other
we have to make an effort
So, I played the piano the best I could
I kissed goodbye my mother
I held eye contact with my father
I ran here just to say my first words
To them
To you
                I’m happy you are alive
                And I’m happy that I’m alive too
                Here
with you tonight

The last time I said goodbye

                              Farewell

                              Safe roads

                              Good winds

to my father
who gave me life

I cried myself to sleep
for three days I would
lie there
In the camping tent

Clenching my hands
Around his shirt
still with his aftershave lotion

Maybe I knew it then

It would be the last time
I would see my father

The next time
I said

                              Farewell

                              Safe roads

                              Good winds

To that stranger
Who shares my nose

I thought that maybe
I could learn from him
how not to love

Her sadness was loud
she would cry herself out
bang her hands against the walls

she would scream asking why
to the heavens
asking why
to the glass of water still full

Her grief was like a storm
encompassing everything else
it was wet
there was no escape from it

I could just
stare
at her
at the photo
at the candles

my sadness was quiet
I couldn't cry
the tears would dry in my eyelashes
I would just lay there

asking why
to the shadows in the altar
asking why
to my memory
asking why
I couldn't remember

                 his voice
                 his hands
the last time I saw him
the last time I heard
                 his voice

The lights are the only thing I can offer
to help him
to help her
                  to

                  remember
even if it's just now
I only have the guilt
because death did us part
and all the love I didn't know I had
doesn't have anywhere to go

It hides behind the knives
every time I start cooking

was it   a month?
              a year?

it cannot be the same spider
but
it is still there

I look at it
Climbing
Is it sacred?

Of me ?
Like I’m of it?

It’s a tiny piece of
Life
that I could
crush
with

Only a hand
I gather the knife

And keep cooking

Lovers embrace each other like there is no tomorrow.
Mothers cry for the future of their parting kids.
Fathers ponder about the wrongdoings

and I will be there,
with a cup of coffee steaming hot

and you will be there, too
at the other side
                              of the table
                              of the sea
We’d look at each other
Or maybe not
Maybe wet just breath the same air
for one last time

In the night before the end of the world
We’ll give our farewells
to an unknown future
We’ll ask empty apologies to unborn children

In the middle of the table
Between the cookies and words not said
Will lay bare our regrets of a
                              Unloved
                              Unlived
life