Describe it like rain falling down a muddy street
But that's getting old and it doesn't make you feel the heat of the words

Then describe it like this is what it feels like to get old
But still you dont feel those words

Describe it like a broken glass glued to hold
But still you dont feel my words

Cause I dont feel them either
Even though my dictionary grew but describing hasn't gotten easier

A day a year 10 and more passing me by like a seizure
Keep breathing till it ends .
It will pass just let it pass

All thats happening just keep calm and let it pass
Just let it pass
Let it pass

That's kind of funny and thats kind of sad
That's kind of serious and that's kind of flat
But you keep calm and let it pass

Hovering over your every thought is an end
To a thing that feels like it never ends
And when it does you dont know if or that it did
Will we know
I dont know

Just let it pass
Let it pass
Settle for what you have
The job you kinda mighta do better than
The friend you kinda mighta do better than
The life you kinda mighta do better than
The passion the talent you mighta kinda have
Forget it and just let it pass
Lazy as the given ***** you don't have

You're in my ears
And every wave of sound you make
Is slowling my heart's pounds
And every word interprets my thoughts
And it makes me feel okay

You are the host to my parade
And your description is on point
Like this song on my life was coined
And my soul and your voice have joined

We have grown harder to love
We've grown broken yet tough
We are puzzle pieces and each puzzle piece is someone's mark left on us

20 years and still a puzzle piece is missing
Cause right now this picture looks like a great deal of nothing
It needs that one piece
and it will make sense

20 years so many puzzle pieces
So many layers
can you dig through
can you find your piece in me


Will you find your place in me ?

2014 this is a good bye
I know I won't be able to change you
I won't be able to explain to you why
Why we were on the run and why I never had the time

2014 you're like him
You left me paralyzed
Identity crisis
But our photos won't lie

These pictures say we are happy
These pictures say we are young
And these pictures won't lie

2014 I can't call you up
I can't see you
cause you're gone now
you aren't mine

but these pictures say we were happy
these pictures say we were young
and these pictures don't lie

Wake up to the sound of the world going round
You've got your head on your shoulders
But your brain feels flipped inside out
You know where you're going but you can't see it now
You know where you've been but where are you now ? ...

It's a time ****
It's all a time **** for you now
Cause the time kills as it moves on slipping from your hands

Headlights, music loud
Your hands out your heads gone with the wind
Riding through downtown
Screaming your lung out
To the music that's loud

Can you see it, I don't see it no more
Don't be grumpy, I won't be grumpy no more
But my life is still and my moving soul has crashed inside
I won't be grumpy, but I don't feel a thing even when your by my side
Don't be depressed, it's your time now
The move is on you it's your world now
Your time to shine your time to be
Your only in your 20s how hard can it be
It's your time to live so live
But my time it kills
And I'm barely holding ground
I don't mean to be grumpy but there's nothing to move on to now ...

5:45 am
I have a little taste of the sun
From the beam shining between my curtains
it's sweet taste erases the salty thoughts in my mind
And I almost feel like I'm fine

Out of place, out of space & time
Wide awake out of papers, I am
Not okay, I am out my mind
Outer space, that's where
I've been going
To a place where
Place where nobody knows
Floating, at a pace where
Now you see me, and now you don't

I do not feel the fear of falling
I wanna fly
If it all goes well, then I will
But what if I don't?
I'll be right where I was before
But I'm not alone
You say "take my hand"
And we go (and we go)
And we go (and we go)
And I hope that we don't overdose
Cause we don't (cause we don't)
No we don't (no we don't)
Ever know when we have had enough

Wait
Now my thoughts so cloudy
And my heart's so crowded
With pain
I am so frustrated
Like my soul's been taken away
Broken promise of everything
That I thought you were
Thought you said this would never hurt
That's what it did
That is all

I do not feel the fear of falling
Thought I could fly
It didn't go well, but oh well
What do you know?
I'm right back where I was before
But I'm not alone
You say "take my hand"
And we go (and we go)
And we go (and we go)
And I hope that we don't overdose
Cause we don't (cause we don't)
No we don't (no we don't)
Ever know when we have had enough

I'm a be so cold
Need some more
I've never felt these things before
I'm a think, for sure
Please don't go
How could you not need me no more?
I don't get it
You're the only thing that I love
You're the only thing that I want
You're the only reason
The only reason

I do not feel the fear of falling
I wanna fly
If it all goes well, then I will
But what if I don't?
I'll be right where I was before
You're all that I know

I'm an optimist that loves
                          the sweetness of tragedy

Self confidence
                          pushed down by gravity

Cause I'm too attached to this earth
                              It controls my sanity

Can I escape my own self?
                      Or will I stay forever ruled by fallacy

Like a veil has been lifted
Or has it been put on?

The world seems nothing like it did before.

And my words come out just to fill a hole.

I feel emotions by trying to remember how they felt like.

I copy the motions and expressions in hopes that it will bring back.

What once felt like being "alive".

I quite the voices in my head telling me it's a lie.

That my memories are an illusion, giving me hope that never existed.

And it was and all is just a fabrication of my mind.

Heart clinch
A gut pinch

Look at the screen
Can't see clear
My phone is shaking
My hands are shaking

Sounds amplified
Hearts pounds magnified

Narrow vision
And eyes that can't focus

**** I wonder if anyone noticed.

Neurons linking and multiplying till it becomes a crowd pit
Thoughts smooshed to the edge of the stage
Screaming quick solve it!

They shout and they scream in support for existential fear

Sounds amplified
Heart pounds magnified

Narrow vision
And eyes that can't focus

**** I wonder if anyone noticed

They're still talking
Walking
Chilling out smoking
It's not that big of a deal
There's nothing to fear

Just another panic attack gone
Un-noticed

The sound of your  drums  
Shook my heart

your soft guitar tune
played the strings of my mind

and that base
oh that base I hear whenever you're around

I loved your melody  
And I memorized the lyrics to your song
I would put it out loud
and sing along

I played it on repeat
till I memorized your every beat

but it got old

and now it's the song I skip
Whenever it comes on

Tell me . . .
Take your time and articulate it perfectly
Express your thoughts
And tell me

Your voice carries a combination of vitamins that ease this world
Vitamin passion, hope, and care
Vitamin love, and sweet complexity
And a hint of dare

So tell me
And articulate it
And I'll listen

I want to admire your creation
Bring me back to earthly life
And in you let me dive.

A taste of what can be
Is a ******* trick

You can be the answer to all my troubles
You can be the magic to all this ruffle
A taste was so good that my mind continued the journey
On its own
Filling the blanks
With what I want it to be

But a taste of what can be is a trick
It leaves a heavy feeling so thick
It makes your soul ache and you think
Think of everything
That can be
Wish you were strong enough to handle me
Wish you were here tonight
Or atleast I wish we would fight

But leaving me with my mind
As I wonder
And pounder
Is torture

And a taste of what can be is a trick
And I dont know if I can handle it

Tell me about your troubles

and I might just tell you about mine


Tell me about the trigger to that gun that shoots right through your veins to your brain and fires you up

And sometimes it shoots you down

and you just crawl to a corner trying to heal those cuts
And sometimes the bullet stays there
The cut heals but the bullet lingers in you guts

You have found refugee in me ?
I was an open door
let you into my core
For a while it was your home
and you just messed it up

Now you tell me your story
Like a historical movie
you tell me about the blood the war the fight and the glory
Stating before every painful explanation a
"You know when " "you know how"
Yes I know how it feels when you care too much and you give your all to someone but they wouldn't do the same
When you get put second third but never first
How your feelings and troubles get ignored
how you feel worth less cause they don't really care about you
I know how it sets your insides in flames
How your love hate is like a horrible never ending game
your stuck in it so you keep playn'

I know that cause your my trigger
I'm looking at you waiting for you to figure

while your waiting for my advice ....

Will I fall or will I fly ..
I make my decisions with myself in mind
Cross my heart and hope to die
Fullfil my soul is whats in mind

How old are you ?
Is what the lady at the bar said to me
As I argued with her about integrity
Life and repeated history

How old are you, she said to me
Im 22, yea and I'm that aware and that blue.

How old are you the lady at work said to me
As I explained to her how decisions are merly destiny
How people are repeatitions of what was done to them
And how I shouldn't look like what they think I should look like to impress them
Im 23 and it took a while to love myself
I still don't like it sometimes, but I remind myself

How old are you??
The psycologist said to me
As I told him why and how my brain and emotions tangled up and untangled
How I was merly dating to relay on someone for free and that it wasn't right for either him or me.
I explained to him the exact reasons for anxiety
And how I need control cause I was scared by chios in my family
And how a panic attack can be cured mentally
And how I don't want his pills cause I've seen what it has done to others and I have empathy

I said I'm 23
I'm 23
And why does this scenario keep happening to me

He said you're on the right path
Aware and righteous
Keep it up and you'll see


But I wasn't any different and I still wasnt okay
So how could you say that to me

I dont know if I know better
And that's why you're impressed
But even if I did I dont think I do better
And knowing is not a bliss
Ignorance might be
But I can't know that for sure
Cause I can only truly experience life through me
 
So will I fly or will I fall
I  dont know
But I crossed my heart and promised myself to take control
Cause no one has you but you
And when you die what did you do for you ?

So I'm sorry that I left you
I'm sorry that I dont answer texts
I'm sorry that I went out that night
Even though I knew you were a mess
I'm sorry that I wasn't truly there in you're last days
Even though I knew you needed what you needed
But I couldn't give.  
And now you're in heaven's bliss

I make my decisions with myself in mind
And I'm not here to impress
I'm here to survive
And I've learned from the best
That no one has got you but you
So do what you got to do
Before it's too late.

Love given.

Time given.

Bad thoughts living

Your hate is spreading

Write it down if you can tell me now if you can.  What keeps turning this around?  Is it me or is it all that noise and sound in your head.

Will you run or will u fight this till you're dead

Behead this born hate

Don't be a born hater .

You're a thought I'm trying to explain
you're like a melody stuck in my brain
you're there but it's hard to keep you there
but I want you there
I want you to be there

The boredom in the routine that spins around those four walls
Spins around the same people the same floors the same doors
and it itches between my skin
aggravated by the stillness in these repeated motions
lost of all emotions
aggravated by own skin
I spin and I spin in my place
like a beyblade
With so much energy just going to waste
cause I'm spinning in my place .

Paint this black canvas
Paint it black ?

Paint this black canvas
Paint over my life

This canvas is black
So no need to paint it black

Paint this black canvas
Paint it red, orange, blue, pink or yellow
And please stop painting it in black

Sweet eyes and a wavering soul
Was going uphill only to fall.

Always the girl to answer anyone's help call
but to her own troubles everyone stood in applaud.

Waiting for her bravery to unfold

but what they don't know
is what her eyes never told
she was on the edge
all along

see green land and blue skies
were never on her mind.

but, instead a complex maze she would always design
mischievously tricking her own mind.

She did it so that a way out was never to find
As she locked herself behind
her complex golden mind

And everyone just stood in applaud
cause they thought
her own bravery will unfold

oh they thought
She's strong enough
and her own bravery will unfold

but the truth is those sweet eyes
have gone cold .

Breakdown
crash sound
roll off
hit the ground

see the light
feel the hight
your flying now

everything makes sense
and there's no pretend
the stars are your friend
So  don't   you   break   down

Moonlight that speaks
of your hope that reeks
with doubt
and the slow pace of the days
but the years pass so fast
your hands are sore
cause you've built a thousand floors
wait just thousands more
till  you reach your goal
So   don't   you   break   down

your light will shine
you're so divine
forever your mine

so
Don't
you
break
down

Surrounded by the germs of the red death
Attacking my immunity with words
poisonous words slowly going up my blood stream
insecurities slowly attacking my soul
swallowing it into a deep deep dark hole
these germs were once my friends
It's disgusting how some"friendships" end

Doubted innocence as I grow old
molded  thinking by what I was told
And that blueprint of a normal life
I was sold

Forced advices
Pointing out my vices
You better shut up and not make a fool out of yourself
How could you be such a mess
if only u lost a bit of weight
if only your teeth were a bit whiter and a bit straight
if only your skin was a bit darker shade
if only you could find a good looking mate
if only you could get a better grade
if only you had a better fate

Oh the efforts put to change others lives
The urge to constantly point out what's wrong and what's right  
The way we put up a fight
that's not ours  

would you just let it go
Cause you seem tired
I pitty you
you seem tired
Cause all your efforts are going to waste
and no matter what I won't change
atleast not from you
maybe by someone I look up to
but not you

These society gimmicks do not seem to get to me
They annoy me
but I'm still me
blunt happy old me

I can't see you
I can't call you up . . .....

Is there metal cage around your heart
all these feelings, where do I start
I can't be with you
I can't be with you
cause you ache my heart

****.

Change never stops
Change is life
Life is the unknown
Life is wonder
Wonder is the key
Wonder makes you think
Thinking makes you flee
Thinking is power
Power is mostly miss used
Power is greatness
Greatness comes from truth
Greatness is what I want
What I want is never ending
What I want is contempt
Contempt is a golden treasure
Contempt is impossible
Impossible is nothing
Impossible is nothing
Nothing is nothing
Nothing is darkness
Darkness is half of life
Darkness is emotions    
Emotions can never be controlled
Emotions are a person's own riots
Riots are aggressive
Riots are not necessarily right
Right is a side
Right is good
Good is what I try to be
Good is  reason
Reason comes from being wise
Reason is consciousness
Consciousness is far from me
Consciousness is not falling asleep
Asleep is what I'm about to be
Asleep is dreams
Dreams come true
The end
Lol

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

****** up emotions they turn me to the notion of

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

Really can't think my mama thinks I stink

but I still smoke these

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

I love these

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

Feel the guilt and its killing me
Even though it might be a mire perception of thoughts accumulated by my desires and insecurities triggered by my needs to satisfy and by the hurt of hurting   that is only felt by the kind hearts
A thing that might be a little pebble but it consumes the mind
Leaving nothing but worry and sickness and I'm tired so ill just break out with the truth even if it makes me look like a foul even if I'm crazy even if your the one doing me wrong  cause I'm sick and tired of this chaos of mind ill cut out all the *******. A clear conscious

4:26 am
white ceiling
Cold floors
ain't got no miss calls
I got 1..  actually 2
but none from you .

white ceiling
cold floors
I keep trippin' I stopped counting my falls

This white ceiling
those cold floors
these phone texts
My obsessiveness  
I keep compressin' this
feeling into a tiny whole
Over it I built a wall
Why don't you ******* call !

This white ceiling
This COLD WORLD
understanding is getting old
There is so much scars I can close

This white ceiling
is so clear
That I let it go
I have no one in my heart that I hold dear
no more
thank you for making that clear
world .

I don't want to stop writing these words
No one might read but I write
because what I feel is too deep
what I feel for you what I feel for them
what I feel for everything
I need to make sense of it
I have to
so I won't stop writing
cause if I do I might drift away and end in a dark place where the people around me feel like that animated caroline movie
where everyone had buttons for eyes
they were made of cloth and strings
And She, she  thought she was going crazy
I might be going crazy
Everything is the same
everyone is the same
and the more I learn about this world the less I understand
And how how could it be that you feel something so strong for someone but it goes away
infact you hate them
I don't want to hate
but I do I hate you
And everyone I knew
cause they keep changing
and I keeping loving hating
loving hating
No constants in my life
Cause they're all made of cloth and buttons
And they have buttons for eyes
I used to know those eyes
lies lies
made your eyes buttons
I feel nothing now
I'm becoming a piece cloth and button
come to think I about it
ha3 I wish
Cause I cry every night
and I laugh all day every day
and I want I analyze  relationships
While u see goals
goals
And I see holes holes
You try to paint a realistic picture
while I drip paint my decisions
my life
And you try to figure me out
you try to understand it
till u get bored and you can't stand it
how can you understand if I myself
keep trying to
Let's just go away
and leave this goals and messs
and stresss
Let's go
to fordham road
that's a bad neighborhood
I would walk and walk till it's night time
That's when all the stars come out
I don't know what it is that I wannna say
I don't know what it is that makes me feel this way
but I'm not ganna do what I hear me say
I'm just ganna walk
I'm ganna walk away

Does contempt exist ?        

If I left my love with you
Will you keep my emotions in a box
Hang it around your neck
Near your chest
And wear over it a bullet proof vest  

So I wouldn't need anyone but you
Keep them safe with you
Feeling the safety in my love for you

Is that cotempt   ?  

Knowing it will never end
Knowing that on you I can depend                     Knowing that my scars you will mend
Knowing that I can send
My heart safely with out it shooting back at me    
Will you reciprocate !

And I will wear you all over me
Like a metal vest
That will never rust    

Is that contempt ?

I walk down the road
Cars flashing by
Do you see me
Can you hear my screaming insides

I walk down this road
People passing by
Can you see this
The crimes Committed in my mind

I speak loud
I speak low
I told you everything you want to know
But do you want to know this
Do you want to know me
Coup d'état in flesh

rainbows and wars mesh
walking in a dress
Do you want to know
This coup d'état in flesh

I reach for the stars
but I'm a mess
I aim for your heart
But I miss

You can't define me
cause am a coup d'état in flesh

And so I walk down this road
I keep walking nothing more nothing less
Can you walk with this
Rainbows and wars mesh ?

The hands on the clock keep moving
And I'm still over thinking you
Might this be an illusion ?

I talk but I scream with confusion
Can you hear the scream or is it covered my my subtle fusion
My emotions are no delusion  
In my emotions there's no confusion


The hands on the clock keep moving
And my heart is growing with crave
I crave you more and more
But my mind my mind is lost in a constant war
coup d'état à self invasion
And I lose both ways cause I am one nation
I need to put myself back together
I need some self evauation

But if I have you I'd lose gladly
I'd lose myself and win myself
What are you doing to my visualization
Im lost in a Coup d'état à self invasion

I'm I lost in my own made up fairytale

Or did you leave the trail . . .  .    .         .             .

Since the lights went out it has only been getting Darker .

I've never have really gotten the concept of death.
I guess I won't know till I die, even then I might not know.
If you take a second and think about it, it's terrifying.
It's mind blowing.
It's unimaginable.
And that's where I get confused, its unimaginable.
I'm not scared of what will come after death.
I'm scared of how we will experience it, in what from? in what mind? in what state?
Will we be Conscious, if not how does that feel? I know if your unconscious you don't remember anything.
But you still feel, you're still there! There's something happening and how would the experience of that be ?

It's crazy this all would end.
Our whole understanding and being would simply end.
And then what ?
The existential question
Then what ?
Religions have given people answers but it's only in a description that our current mind can understand.
So how accurate is it?

It keeps passing my mind, everything I'm experiencing is not real it's temporary.

They say that makes you religious..

It's just making me disconnected, numb, empty, waiting and scared.

Will you give me love
Will you give me comfort
Will you give me security ?

Will you care about the money
Would you give me some of your money ?
Does it matter ?
Do I matter ?

I smoke my cigarette  
That I depend on for comfort
I smoke my cigarette
As I wait for my problems to end

With a broken screen on my phone
A broken heart that chokes up my throat
With a broken life I write those words

Can I depend on you ?
Cause our love is "true"
Cause you know my life
Cause you know my fight
Cause you know I'm not fragile
But you know that I've broken

Can I depend on you ?
Can you prove my past my present as untrue ?

They say money can turn people bad
But is it only the money that they had
Or are all humans conditioned to care for themselves only
Care for their wants only
And caring for others has a limit
See I can help you but with a price
You can help me but with a price
Even this cigarette has a price
But I got nothing else to depend on
So I pay my price
I'm in debt and I dying inside

So can I depend on you
To prove what I'm saying to be untrue
Please prove me wrong
Cause I can't believe my own self
How could all those people be doing me so wrong
Independency is myth
And dependency has its price
So leave me to smoke my cigarette
Atleast the cigarette never lied
And it warned me about it price

It's coming.
Like rain on a cloudy day.
Like dancing and a rush comes through your veins.
Like a fast car driving your way.

What you want is coming.
So dont run from it
And dont run for it.

It's coming.

I don't think full thoughts anymore
More like random words or useless fragments.

I don't think I can tolerate anymore small talks or deep statements.  
I don't believe your shallow mind or your profound engagement.

I don't believe in anyone
I thought if I ever felt this low I would just drop dead and die.

But the thing about life is that it keeps going it doesn't care how you survive
And the thing about me right now is I don't know how to survive , let alone learn to live my life.    

And the thing is I'm young,  and to many I'm considered to have a good life.

To those who do drop dead and die . Maybe if you had my life you would have lived it better or maybe you would have felt the same way I feel.

I am blessed its real.

But I can't I can't I can't shake off this heavy feeling

And I do I do I do have my reasons

And you might not see them but if you had my life you would believe them.

Sometimes I hate writing as much as I wanna write cause the amount of the thoughts in my head can't be derived as much as I thrived to collect them to make sense of them I start to lose my mind I'm calculating the amount.of times I think about you but at the same time I'm thinking not to think about you and who am I kidding all other thoughts I pour my interest into don't fit my true interest which is you. I get hurt easily and you hurt me easily and I get hurt I get hurt I get hurt .
But you don't even know do you .
even though I show so clearly .
And now I'm distracted by the image on the wall of when I was small so little I can recall. But I was always a bit weird and a bit off but I had strong ambition now it's gone soft I'm in a tough spot of denying who I am for the sake of what I might be .something that might bother me. So I wander everyday all day at what I can be and none of the options I see interest me in fact I really just point out all your flaws in my head the flaws of everyone ive met and im diving into negativity my own made up pool and I swim in it like I'm so cool but the truth is you die from trying to be better than all the flaws you point out and then you start pointing at yourself and there is soo much to point at so many flaws that bring you down and you start to drawn ..
But I need to keep going down this road I was told cause I don't know better how can I when I don't even have the space to figure anything out will I always live in my denied doubt ?
I hear a sound of the AC but in my head it sounds like the shore of the Honolulu where I will be smoking a cigarette and you will be there next to me.
And I close my eyes to the sound and I fall asleep ♡

GN fellow poets

Why can't you just let me love you?

I kinda just want to disappear
Paint myself clear

I kinda just want to disappear
Wanting has become senseless
Taste has become tasteless

And tiredness has become endless
And resting has become restless
And I kinda just want to disappear

Its too much fear for me to feel
Its too much, of much that it stopped bringing me to tears.

I kinda just want to disappear.