Lost today between what I want to achieve and how I want to be perceived and work is a never-ending pattern of habits and shortcuts. No more a liar than a way towards success. Swimming in a school of fish in a constant workflow towards uninspiring goals and dreams outside of missed opportunities and hopes. Dashed away with the barely visible snowflakes unable to stick to the ground beneath my boots. Boots that track a familiar path down too long a commute in a city I only meant to pass through. In my bed, I keep thoughts that never make it out of the room on loop, constantly playing it like a well-worn cassette tape.
Before drifting off, I think one day, maybe one day.

For he treated me like delicate china,
Only to be brought out for special occasions
And you wanted me like your favorite T-shirt,
Which you swore got better with every wash.

For he appreciated me like a museum’s special exhibit,
Attending to keep up with the Joneses
And you enjoyed me like your favorite diner,
Taking it slow and taking your time.

For he discarded me when my expiration neared
But you, you never want to let me go.

It was around this time in December that I saw you last. Your shirt so crisp when it had been haphazard the times I knew you - always thrown on from whatever that was near. Your happiness radiating off in the form of a genuine smile I didn’t know could be used in ways other than to get what you want. And the way you hugged me without an ulterior motive except to truly know how I was. For you were the person I always wanted and tried to get you to be but, the girl by your side had achieved this in a matter of months. And I didn’t know an escape route except in the form of a phone call that didn’t exist and you always knew I could never hide my emotions from my face. The embarrassment that crept in after to tell me I wasn’t the one to change you nor was I seeing the progress with my relationships because I had trouble getting over you.

I know just how it goes.

Flowers so fresh, eager to impress. Sweet surprises through chocolate to show you care. Shiny and expensive things yearning for apologies and proof of love.

Your eyes tease me with secrets as you interlace your fingers with mine. And suddenly I know I’m stumbling.

My eyes are wondering, your mouth is moving, our limbs hopelessly inquiring.