I am trapped
Halfway to heaven, infinites upon infinities disguised as stars.

I just want to feel like I’m more than the dark and empty space between them.

Your smile has become
more inviting
than the graves of those I once
loved.

You told me suicide shouldn't be romanticized
And self harm isn't beautiful
But
I see you every day
Carving flowers and hearts into your wrists
Arranging pills in neat little lines
And wrapping notes in fraying ribbons before pulling the trigger

You say there's always a reason why not
but you were the one who cried over an ignored text message
Ignored - meaning - no one responded in 2 minutes
After telling me I should get over the fact an old friend texted me
Before killing himself

You told me people who find beauty in the pain are ignorant and apathetic
But I don't think it's too terrible to find artistry
In the parallel lines that tell stories of how my heart is still beating
Even when I wished it hadn't

But go ahead, keep telling the ones who find the beauty in the tragedy that they're wrong
Even though we're the ones who **** tried to die

I've always wanted to walk down railroad tracks
Balanced on rusty rails
Arms outstretched
Taunting the behemoth
Hit me, hit me

Maybe they lead to my youth
Where mornings were warm
And the air tasted like dew
I would wear a dress just to feel the wind
whip at my skirts

Maybe I could lie down
In the middle, maybe
I could watch it pass
over
me
Or maybe I would lie across
And watch it pass
under
me

Maybe I'm just taunting god
I hear lights and see the wails of sirens
Is it dawn or dusk? I can't
remember
The trees on either side reach out
I wish I could touch them

Hit me, hit me
I'll watch it pass from above