The fuzzy blue blur from my childhood has come to haunt me
I first saw him when a happy meal was filling
Seeing the cookie for the first time had me mesmerized
I was entranced
It was great and sweet with a bitterness that I could not yet swallow
I would call for Super Grover to save me when Cookie got too crazy
Shoving cookies until I cried and vomited
Touching me like I was nothing more than an unfrosted gingerbread man
There were far too many nights that I couldn’t signal for Super Grover to save the day
Soon I stopped signalling
Losing all contact with the outside
Cold days were plentiful and I sat outside because I knew that inside meant that I would freeze
Outside meant rain, wind,chills, and hands so cold that they felt like they were burning
Whereas inside had heaters, dry clothes, and my body frozen in terror
Shaking in fear or shaking from the cold air outside
I knew that his cookies were poison on my tongue but rationalizations got the best of me
I forced myself to believe that he did as any other childhood figure would
Eventually he started to feel more hungry as time went on
A hunger that no cookie could satisfy
He wanted innocence
I was his unknowing prey
And I allowed for mine to be slaughtered
His filthy claws stuck into every piece of my skin
Moving my young soft hands he would make the most inhuman noises
A howl as he went for the ****
He went from a symbol of joy to showing the second part of his name
Monster
Nobody could know
This was my burden
Because I had allowed this
Because I knew something that they didn’t
That they couldn’t
That the Cookie Monster is still a monster

No movement, thoughts, or heartbeat.
By all standards I should be dead
But I'm not
I'm full of worries and anxiety
Full of expectations for the worst
These are what keep me alive, and **** me.
I can't move for fear of judgement
No thoughts in case of differing opinions
Heartbeats are forbidden because someone may hear and they can hurt me from there
How can you expect me to smile when all I see are others like me, zombies, living ghosts?
All I can see is their pain and I can feel it, it's all that I can feel besides my own anxiety.
How do I live when I'm not afraid of dying?
And how the hell do I stay when all I want to do is leave?!?
I don't want to worry.
I don't want to be sad anymore and I can't have anxiety about my life.
If someone doesn't save me I'll die all the way.
Except this time it won't be because of my demons it'll be the cause of the absence of a protector.
I wasn't meant to be saved.
I wasn't born for good things and this is it.
Goodbye.
But don't worry I left a long time ago and you never noticed

My sister was born everyone acted like it was a party.
When I came around it was a funeral.

She only wore pink and bright colored clothes.
I wore black skinny jeans and gray sneakers.

She goes to church every Sunday.
I stay home and eat Pringles.

She dates boys.
I've dated girls and boys.

She listens to Ed Sheeran
I rock out to Sleeping With Sirens

She wins awards at school and everyone loves her.
I get called names and my friends have all left.

She draws pictures of flowers in a notebook.
I draw scars on my wrists.

She is perfect
I am flawed

She's an angel
And I'm
Not

But I will never be like her

I'm bisexual
Or "bi"

This doesn't mean
"Wants *******"

It means
"Sexually attracted to my gender and my opposing gender"

I love boys and girls

This doesn't mean
"She can't make up her mind"

It means
"I was born bisexual"

I just came out

This doesn't mean
"Attention seeker" or "just a phase"

It means
"I'm just now feeling comfortable enough to tell you"

I'm bisexual and really proud of it.

It means that
"I don't care about the haters and I'm happy with who I am."

decided that I want you.
I need you to breathe.
When you're gone I feel like a fish out of water.
Misplaced and deprived of the only things I need.

I never needed him.
He wanted my body.
You wanted all of me.
I didn't want to give him any of me.
I want to give my all to you.
But you're not ready.

That's what hurts.
But I can wait for you.
I will until I'm just a rotting corpse
Love is a waiting game.
Waiting for someone to stop loving you and waiting for someone to be ready to love you.

I realized that I had my own friends
But you took them
Then he stood right in front of me
He was everything you weren't
He was smart and dorky
He was going somewhere in this spiraling world
He found a way to pull me back into sanity.
For the first time in a long time everything looked like it would get better
But of course you ruined that too
Now I'm holding on to him for the sanity I was once again losing.
But you didn't care. You just wanted a new plaything.
Now when ever you pass by my face turns red and I stare at the ground
One more push and I'll go over the edge.
I'm at the top of a building and I can't breathe.
My lungs feel like collapsing and staying on the pavement.
Even after I jump.
The pavement looks soft and comforting from way up here.
But here he comes to finally give me that final push...
What?
He grabbed my hand and pulled me down hugging me.
He told me that if I jumped than he would.
If I slept on the pavement he would sleep with me by my side.
I decided that......

My head is spinning again and spiralling out of control
I've already lost my sanity what else could I possibly lose
It began with small subtle things and then it progressed
First just what I thought was true friendship
Then playful humor
Non serious flirting
Then it happened
I was on the bus normal day then you said that you were about to do something stupid
You were right.
I wish it had never happened
You kissed me.
Then I did something even more stupid and kissed you back
I really wish that it had never happened.
Now in the hallways you won't even look at me
And now I'm almost at the edge falling when...
I realized that I'm okay
That I didn't need you
That I have my own friends

So I'm 15 now.
Halfway to middle aged.
A fourth of the way to death.

9 years ago I was 6.
I was starting school.
I made my first best friend.

6 years ago I was 9.
My dad told me he wasn't coming back.
I met my forever crush.

3 years ago I was 12.
Hung out with my friends every weekend.
Didn't care what anyone thought about my looks.

2 years ago I was 13.
Really got into guys and what they thought.
Lost weight and started wearing makeup.

1 year ago I was 14.
I started high school and became depressed.
I finally started seeing myself without crying.

I'm 15 this year.
My life will get better.
I'm gonna make the most out of my life.

I stare at the ground
I do it so that you can't see the tears in my eyes
So that you won't laugh at me

I stare at the ground
Because my shoes don't call me stupid
So that I can hide

I stare at the ground
I hope that if I can't see you, you can't see me
I just want to disappear

I stare at the ground
I don't want you to see me smiling whenever your around
I can't be hurt

I'm done with staring at the ground
I want you to see me, my tears, and my smile
I want to see the world with my head held high

Happy and laughing at six years old
Until the first grade boys called her ugly
She cried every night and repeated everyday

She finally made a friend after two years of torment
Finally smiling but you push her to the cold earth below her
And she falls deeper than ever before

She went to her first party at eleven years old
Played spin the bottle and ended up kissing a girl
You got a picture of it and posted it on Facebook

Everyone pushed her down with words and hands
Started chanting "***, ***** eater, **** , and queer
She never wanted to kiss that girl she only wanted to play the game

High school never was fun for her she was alone
Only her, her scars,her razors, and her thoughts
Someone finally pushed her over the edge, she finally gave up

You pushed her up to the lockers and said
"No one likes you ****! Just die you stupid little emo!
Drink bleach and finally do something useful in your life!"

She did as she was told but first wrote
"I'm sorry for whatever I did that made everyone hate me.
And I'm sorry for waiting so long to do this."

What did she do? What about her family?
Why would they be so mean? I only have one question
Was it really worth it?

I have tears in my eyes and you push me away
This is friendship?

I laugh with you and am given a ***** look
This is friendship?

I tell you I love you and you leave me behind
This is love?

I tell you if I cry yet you can't tell your in love
This is love?

I listen to you and try to understand but all you do is scream at me
This is family?

I tell you I'm in love and you slap me with insults
This is family?

I cry every night and I know it'll never stop
This is life?

I want to die and stop breathing and scream for help though it never comes
This is life?

I never have to hurt again
This is death?

I can stop having to pretend to smile
This is death?

Goodnight my sweet dark prince
And whisper to me as I sleep.

For this time I may offer myself to you
With silver and scarlet

But take pity on me for I must be fixed
I've been broken like a window and a stone

If you don't come to me then I'll
Run to you because...

I need the extra push off the ledge
To fix me so that I can truly smile

I'll give myself to you completely and
willing even gladly

I'm tired and I'm ready to sleep
In my bed of black six feet underground

So Goodnight my sweet dark prine
And kiss me goodnight on my last night of eternity