8 minutes to sunrise...

I open my eyes and see the white sheets
Scarred with the impressions we left upon them the night before. .

silently..
They seem abused
I can tell that it was a rough night

I woke up with bruises
Expecting you to wake up and walk out
Throwing my heart with excuses...

Outspoken ...

Silently. .

You woke up like a convict...
Who had secretly plotted to and killed someone
Within their dreams...

Secretly. ..

Silently..

I try to cage each minute..
For I have things I wish to say to you. ..
Words that seemed to have stayed hidden from you..

Baby there's 8 minutes to sunrise
Tell me what we're going to do...
Time is running out
And somehow I am no longer afraid of the darkness

With 6 minutes until the sun rises
I want to get lost in the midsts
of your soul
So that my heart can now what
It is like to wake up to a beautiful dream

4 minutes 'till sunrise
I can see the rays of the sun light
Dancing to the rhythm of our heartbeats
Tell me how we made through the night.

At sunset you told me you love
Night came,
And you showed me you love me
But with 2 minutes before the sun sets
I only need you to hold me ..

-Thembekile ".Kilay Deh'Poet." Tsaoane

Back pocket journal.

Back pocket journal
Where do I start...
My heart is suddenly so small
That it's almost invisible...

I fall in love so **** easy ..
I lose my self in the taste of mystery. .
You see..

So that's the reason that
I don't want to keep talking about love.

Because suddenly
When we start talking
Words become magnified
Forcing us to rush into several emotions
Never mind the *** and the relationship. ..

Dear back pocket journal
I always wear clothes
With pockets because
I'm so afraid of
Leaving things behind...

So I pack this strangers heart
In my right pocket
So my heart can know
What it feels like
To fall in love with the right man

And I know how it goes ...
Another guy I'll like
Another guy I'll leave

Dear back pocket journal
Don't worry about how much
I can forget to love him ..
Rather ask yourself
If it was even love in the first place

Ask me what , why?
Why do I change him and his
To hers  

Lying to myself about liking him...
Her...
...
as much as i do

his just another one
something new
Another man to do...
There's nothing special about him

but ****
back pocket journal
Hearts can only see and find love
When those hearts are combined  

The world wants my heart  to lie
an d say that he seems like a good guy
go for it ....
There's absolutely nothing to lose

Dear back pocket journal
Upon this journey of love
I return without a heart..
But my lungs still breathe for him
My mind he lives upon ..

Back pocket journal ..
I..
I've tried so hard ...
But these feelings remain the same

-thembekile kilay Deh'Poet tsaoane

Who am I
You ask ....?

Who am I to stand above the world
And reach for my dreams ...
.......

I am Kilay

I'm a poetic being
That talks to the stars ...

I am that lone individual
That hides behind my scars ..

I am the passionate seizure of beauty
I see myself on top of the world...

I shout silent screams
For I am too divine for words ...

I am the elusive captive in the universe...

Who am I ..?

Escaping from expected paths
I see my name in clear skies

Who am I to stand above the world
And not reach for my dreams ...

I am the sky ..
And nothing can stick to me ....

With my impenetrable unknowing
But ...
Who exactly am I?....

Who am I when my thoughts knock the moon
And my fingertips are the valleys and shores of the universe ...

Who am I
To be myself ...

Drifting....

Searching ...
Wondering ...

Am I not myself
When I hide behind my scars?

Who am I
You ask ....?

I really wish I knew
For I am not myself at all

♡ Thembekile Kilay Deh'Poet Tsaoane

shoot to the moon
but be gentle
with it
why is it...  
that I was constantly
counting on the stars
and you..  
you spent most
of your time praying
when every inch
of your body
was so majestically ...
creative
that you were
reigning my thoughts
at some point
the storm was unbearable
I..  
I hate when
my heartbeat
turns into tears
and my body
can't help but
to pool the very essence
of your memories
to flow right beneath
my skin...  
I pray
for the day
when my lips
can express the words
I love you
and my heart doesn't
have to mean it
the day when
you're no longer
an extension of myself
when finally I find
that I am brave enough
to purge myself
of your memories

-Thembekile Kilay deh'poet Tsaoane

days don't really
name themselves
but I'll start off
by naming this one "us"
in the courtyard
last night
I can't really phrase
the look on your face
that somehow seemed to crave
what I knew as my soul
but you only knew as my body
to be honest..  
you...
you. . .
you're the type of soil
that dreams are made of
just enough to retrace
the memories of what
I expected of you and I
just below the moon
it's amazing
how the wind
always forces things to return
and...
your love was like the shade
rotating around me
as if they were clock pointers
accounting the hours
I've spent just ruminating
upon thoughts of you
I have felt things
that I never even thought
that I could feel
and yet somehow...
despite the tears
despite this sweet desolation...
somehow...
the best interpretation of my heart
was birthed through
the cracks of my brokenness
but at least
you..
i have someone
to dream about...
you...
I'd like to wear
the memories of
the deepest parts of yourself
you allowed me to explore
like a mask on my face
and define it
as my smile
~thembekile kilay deh'poet tsaoane

I've tried hard
to look back
at our time together
we never really
had time together
we had *** together
I was a good pleaser
never known
for really being a believer
in anything
but myself...  
and you...  
you fell victim
to what you thought
was praise and worship
whenever
I was on my knees
I hate to be the one
to tell you this
but making you think
that we both
fell in love simultaneously
was the greatest joke
that I could come up with
and yes...
you will...
you will resent me
like I resent
the holes and bumps
on my thighs and stomach
that were the evidence
of a product
I can only now
hide with secrets
and step father's
and yes...
I've said this before  
I've tried hard
to look back
at our time together
we never really
had time together
we had *** together
-thembekile Kilay deh'poet Tsaoane

held captive
in a type of non-verbal
communication
where a cold distance
forces itself into
the subtle breaks
between my heartbeats
there,  keeps playing
flashbacks of this morning
as If I was trying to find
a God within my bed ...
which seemed to believe
that you were the only thing
I'm good enough for...
as I so desperately
dug into my bedsheets...
which somehow seemed
to convince me just enough
that I was perfect enough
to hold...

I have always wondered
what it would
feel like.....  
to enjoy the idea
of aging alongside you...  
as we watched our dreams
learn to walk by themselves
as we question
if whether or not
patience would recognize
Its very beginning
in our souls ..
just enough
to give it a taste
of our world....
look...  
I'll hold onto
your memories
as if they were
the smoke
from the cigarette
I have just inhaled
as if it weren't
somehow slowly
trying to **** me
on the inside ..
I'll watch the sky
and lose myself
in the shallow winds
as smoothly as it
brushes against my cheeks
almost as if
they were trying
to take a peak
into my solitude
it feels pleasant sometimes
like sort of
getting to hear yourself think
and I've been thinking...  
I want a love
that goes beyond
******* in the front yard .  
my heart
doesn't have
an on and off switch ....
do you know.   ?
what have you been feeling
looking back
on all of this?
I'm not sure
if you were mine
for the pain or the insanity
knowing I was
a hopeless romantic
who couldn't wait
to fall in love
as if I was a young girl
playing in the mud puddles
and lords knows
how much
I had a thing for rain
I always seemed
to fall like it
broken and hopeless . .
willing to fall for anyone
Or anything
that stood in the open
long enough to catch it...  
that was you...  
and I...  
in love...  
once upon a time
-Thembekile Kilay Deh'Poet Tsaoane

Background noises

The air fills itself with silence
But somewhere in the midst
Of it ...
I can feel I am not alone ....
You're subtly lingering
In my mind ....
Like our memories
Embrace the depths
Of my bed sheets
Even in your presence ....
As if your heart beat
Painted itself upon my walls ...
So every time
my eye lids part in the morning....
I can't help but reminisce
About you ..
Like your mind replicated
Itself in mine ...
So every time I lay my head to sleep...
I can't quite embrace the night ...
Without thoughts of you ..
Despite, how many times
I've washed my bed sheets.

♡thembekile kilay deh'poet tsaoane

it's amazing right
that one poem
can be about
a thousand people
yet only one person
will eventually
understand it....
they say imaginary friends
tell us about ourselves
and our dreams
before we knew the world ....
so imagine..
that I was your friend
and this was a movie...
and somewhere
in between buildings
sand castles
and building forts
in the tree house
you found...
a portion of yourself
hidden deep within
my Iris....  
and all you wanted
was to run in my mind
while I was running
next to..  
from you...  
tag..  you're it..  
then you run
and I chase after you...
until we find ourselves
walking down the isle...

-thembekile Kilay deh'poet Tsaoane

Midnight remedy

Making my way home
With a hint
Of your scent
On every inch of my body
I can tell that
You've been wanting this ....
9pm. ..
Last night ...
I should have been
In the comfort of my own bed
Dreaming about
All of the things my body
Craves to achieve on yours ...
But I was there ...
In your embrace....
How innocent you looked
As you lost yourself
Comfortably ,
In the opening of my legs...
I forgot to tell you ...
How  beautiful your eyes were...
With my legs open
Like the pointers of a clock
At the twelfth hour of midnight...


♡thembekile kilay deh'poet tsaoane

here's to...
an unbeatable first time
when you didn't
want to rush
but the blood
flowing through you
couldn't help
but to race
with your heartbeat
and ...
I..
I was never really
an angel myself
so the only guiding
I could execute
was directing
the surface of your skin
to the inner most parts
of my soul....
they say..
you never really
heal where it is sore
if you keep
touching up on it
there will always be
grave repercussions...  
Do you remember the time
we kissed danger
upon its lips
I can still taste
a hint of you
just by crossing
a red light
I guess blood
is thicker than water
so I'll always feel you
beneath my skin
before I can can swallow
my last pill
and even way before
I can cry. .  
~Thembekile Kilay Deh'poet Tsaoane

I looked out of my bedroom window ...
so frozen and frail
begging the stars
for their approval
but it couldn't come
as fast as I could...
and there I realized  ..
that the only approval
i was looking for
was yours..  
as I tried so hard
to not breathe
at the pace of my heartbeat
effaced in a hopelessly salient yet concealed
enigma in the corners
of your eyes...  
but you were a counterfeit
God...  
that worshipped my lips
as they worshipped
your being ,
that only seemed
to look down on me
whenever you found yourself down on me...

in praying positions
I realise how looking back
at our conversations
in the same bed
that auctioned my body
to you,
even though my tears,
in the company
of my four walls
indisputably proved
to be the highest bidder...
but listen carefully
as my maleficent words,
escaping just beneath
my breath,
tap into your soul...  
until your lungs
know nothing else
than to breathe
the air of me...
until the insides
of your eyelids
morph themselves
into traces and features
of my face...
maybe then you'll really see
the blessings bestowed
upon you...  
and count them
as often as you blink....  
They say let he who has no sin cast the first stone
so here I am...  
as white as the bedsheets
I've left the old sinful
pieces of my soul in
purely resurrected from
the acts of sin
we executed last night...
young lost king
embodied by nothing more
but a sense
of you needing me
I will name and shame you
within this poem
until the thought of it
hunts down your dreams
until they haunt you
and you can do
nothing more but
pray me into your dreams
just enough for you
to find your way  
back into mine
so I can dream you
into my existence
-thembekile kilay deh'poet Tsaoane

bottle cap

corkscrew
touch
turn
twist
you....  
at the tip
of my opening
after just one bottle
my undefined self
became a soul
within your eyes...
ashtray,
done and dusted
as I lay legs open and lament
in the centre of my bed
holding onto what
I can now look back
as what I'll convince myself
is memories...
light switch,
how the voices in my head
seem to think
that you only exist
whenever the lights go off
doorknob,
keyhole,
lost souls,
were the keys to my room,
to my heart?
-thembekile kilay deh'poet Tsaoane

I want to run
through your mind
while you try
your best
to unlove me
until the opening
of my legs
feel like a vacation
you're in desperate
need of but....
you can never afford
I wonder..
how many souls
that will become
the ancestors
of the next generation
have embraced
the very essence
of your bedsheets

-Thembekile Kilay Deh'Poet Tsaoane

youth fountain

it's unfortunate
we couldn't make it to the bed
the way that we're used to
no mattress...
to reveal my soul....  
only an old quilted blanket
lay where the bed
should have been...  
floor,
I never knew
that I could sink into it
if I arched my back
just a little bit more...  
more...  
the feel I want from it
"I swear
we only touched tips"
tips....  
how you jarred my soul
in just the taste
of one kiss
upon your lips...  
lips,
these lips used to baby sit
generations I could only
destroy by not releasing them
through my skin....  
skin,  
I wonder
how it would have felt
as a combination of us
-thembekile kilay deh'poet Tsaoane

I heard this voice
Inside my head
Is it okay
If it feels like this
The god complex.
I clinch
Every time a car passes
Yet the on the highest peak
Of the human flesh
I rise
And peak like the skies
As they kiss the mountain peaks
Trying to recite a prayer
My heart has revised many times before
But my lips
Could only take turns
At practicing on the skins of others
How many "hail mary's"
Does it take
To wash away
My sins
His bed knows
More names than "I"
But it knew well enough
To not name a sound
The same way I never do
As he took a hold
Of whatever was left
Of my soul after
A few shots encountered
Raising my voice
As it loses itself beneath my breath
I call it the resurrection
Of before the toxicity
When temptation bit it's lip
And I was so taken
That I still find
It flows just beneath my skin....
And I hurt ...
As though I've never felt
The bleed escape my skin...
As though I've never let
My tears flow and taste
The browns of my cheeks
- Thembekile kilay deh'poet tsaoane