Love doesn't excite me as much as heartbreak.

Love is like freedom, no worries, nothing holding you back and you feel it.

Heartbreak is like being buried alive. You're gasping for air only taking in dirt. Only way out is if someone saves you but even then you're so traumatized.

Heartbreak isn't a fleeing emotion, it's  not an emotion at all; It's trauma it has a lasting impact. You will never see the world the same again, even though nothing has changed. That person will always have a hold on you. And you can't do anything about it.

What's better than planting a seed?
And then watching it grow?
I think nothing
But it's funny how fate likes to go.
It wasn't even fate, instead
It was death herself.
Death wrapped in flesh,
Thinking I can save a living life.
Now it's all a dream,
And instead of a plant
All we have are weeds.

*** is dominance
Nothing more and
Nothing less.
It's all about knowing
How I can get away
With theft.
I will stab and probe
Run around the world
And palm that globe.
I am your master
You will do as I say.
I will dominate and hurt you
I don't care what you say.
I run your world when I caress your back,
I make you feel whole
And give you everything you lack.
I treat you like ****
But you still come back.
All because *** is dominance
And I dominate you.

I had a girlfriend who loved me like a wife but I hurt her over and over.

So... I let her go.

You know what really hurts?

Letting her go. Because you know she will keep coming back over and over no matter what. So you use her for all she has and lash out at her when she questions you. She's there for you at your darkest times and all she wants in return is a hug.

What kind of person would do that?
Someone who deep down hates themselves, and wants control of their emotions and of someone else's life, so they can displace the pain onto someone else.

But you only intensified the pain because you never quit, even though you were dying. Why the hell didn't you just leave when I told you to leave. Why would you stay? What is wrong with you?

You know the biggest lie I ever told myself is that "I don't love you" and the biggest lie I've ever told you is that "I never did". But you're free now and I hope to never see you again. I never deserved your love.

And I hope you never change.

I think it can be fun to be single and date-like when you don't want a relationship. Or when you've just gotten out of a relationship, and, after get over the initial shock, your thinking, Hey, it's kind of cool being single.  Being single is happy. We all deserve to be happy.

One step forward two steps back.
So close yet so far apart.
Three’s a crowd, right?

I won’t give up.
On who?
Me? Or her?
Talk tomorrow.
Ok, sure.
But how can we if you won’t reply to me?
I really like her.
Ouch, that one hurt.
I can’t stop thinking about her.
Yep. Still hurts.
Is it worth it?
I want to say no, but it’s not my decision to make.
I want to save her.
Go ahead. But saving her means losing me.

For better or for worse. I can’t breathe.

Equivalent exchange is an easy concept to understand; you give something and something of greater or equal value is returned. So, I give up drinking then I get... Control. So, if I give up my life then a new one will come right after it, right? No, because we're human and we have to work for change and everything else. So equivalent exchange doesn't work because I can give up as much as I want but my ******* problems will keep on keeping on, no matter what I do. So, why bother? I literally have nothing to gain or lose, so why bother?

Yeah, my friends and family would say your life has meaning but that's some theoretical *******. The devil is the only sane one, he's like "yeah just end it and everything will be okay". It's so simple, it's genius. But I'm not suicidal, I just don't want to live or exist but I don't want to die. I know my life is bigger than this but it's hard to see, partly because I have nothing to look forward to anymore. The only thing I do is have *** and drink and that's it, but the more *** I have the more sad I feel and the more drinks I have to the more dumb I get. I'm just trying to hide my pain from myself, but that equivalent exchange law has nothing to offer me, so it just keeps giving me my pain and some more.