Sometimes, I wish I hadn’t just been the backseat of your car,
Intoxicated. My first drunk hook up. My first. Period.
I picture myself being champagne on Valentine’s Day.
I picture myself being you, nervous in the car, holding Starbucks
because you know I love coffee. Sometimes, I picture myself as her,
calling you a stalker and ignoring your calls,
but then I see myself. I call you beautiful,
turn you into poetry, laugh at your bad jokes,
I see myself as I become your drunk Wednesday night
when you’re sad. I see myself as I say no,
I become a “this is not a good idea”
and you a “we’ll deal with the consequences in the morning.”
We laugh because this hurts too much.
You take her out for dinner and I burrow money
for Plan B because you forgot you don’t like condoms
and clearly have no idea how children are made.
I have already named him. He has your curls and
my anxiety. He is smart. Except, I never wanted kids and
you would be a great father. Instead, you tell her
the beach reminds you of her and I cry in a McDonald’s
bathroom with my friend as relief floods through me that
the test comes negative. I stop talking to you,
move forward, meet someone new and before long
see myself becoming you. Because isn’t that the cycle?
Bad men turn good women into bad women who turn
good men into bad men. I’ll set him free so he can hurt
someone like me, and I drink red wine as I read her
poems about him and me.

Tell me why I have to stare at every driver
In every white SUV to see if it’s you
I used to keep count of how many there were
But I stopped at 152
It’s been 152 days since the first time I laid eyes on you
WOW, jaw drops, time stops, did he say his name was Corey?
Argyle socks, blue jacket, oh **** we made eye contact
Butterflies. You gave me butterflies.
And I knew from the second you muttered, “Ms. Yates” under your breath
That I needed to know what it felt like under my skin.
That’s where it all began.

I’ve heard that ‘feeling is healing’
But I’m wondering when the pain is going to cease
And leave something hopeful in its place
I’m not sure how much more I can take
I’m tired
I got tired of running stop lights chasing you
To only be re-routed
I doubted that you even knew I was behind you
Apologies have to be a two-way street

It’s always my fault
You are incapable of taking responsibility
Letting jealousy take reign
Of what little remains between us
I used to count the hours until I got to see you
Down a few beers to ease my nerves
Change my shirt half a dozen times
Thinking you were too good for me
But you see, I was wrong
I wish it wouldn’t have taken me so long
To figure out that I’m not the bad guy
I wish it wouldn’t have taken me so long
To understand that selfishness and flattery
Often look the same
Too distracted by the butterflies to see
That you ripped them from their cocoon too soon

I won’t miss wishing I was something that I’m not
Making myself believe that I could be who you need
I won’t miss you making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin
As though my stretch marks and soft curves were not deserving of your affection
I won’t miss the way you never answered my calls
Leaving me guessing if you’re going to show
Like some sort of twisted game that you always win

I stopped getting butterflies
I stopped looking at the clock when we made plans
I stopped checking my reflection for perfection in the mirror
I stopped enjoying the tequila that you kept pouring when I told you I had enough
I stopped enjoying you when you were no longer a safe place
When I could no longer trust you
When I could no longer believe the words coming out of your mouth

You do not deserve my sympathy
You do not deserve my apologies
You do not deserve the tears that I have cried because of you
The sleepless nights wondering if you love me too
The forgiveness that I have given so freely
You do not deserve me

What doesn’t **** you only makes you stronger so
Thank you for making me a stronger person
For showing your true colors
For proving to me that I deserve so much better
For walking away when I was too selfish to do the right thing
It began with butterflies and it ends with goodbye.

You were the breath of fresh air
That I didn’t know I needed
Until we met
I have been so used to suffocating
That I forgot what it felt like to breathe
Always being deceived
Into thinking that being alive and living
Are the same thing

I inhaled you so deeply
That I was high off of happiness
But the rapidness of my feelings
Brought me back to reality
My reality is only a fallacy
Knowing neither of us are ready to fall
Or give it all
We’d rather gather weeds from the backyard
Than reap the seeds we are too afraid of sowing
Knowing that throwing away love
Is easier than taking the time to make it grow

And we’ve come to an understanding
That it’s better if we don’t let our hearts take control
Our heads are much better at making these decisions
Rather than stitching incisions from where past wounds lie
Disguising our scars as victories
Left as mysteries to discover
Going down on one another
Only interested in learning the anatomy
That we give so absently
Not bothering to hide our selfishness

This lust is a consuming fire
And I’m burning
Yearning for more of you with every taste of your skin
I used to think that you were good for me
That your affection wasn’t merely a distraction
It’s only when I’m left with the ashes
Do I see how destructive this obsession is
I have to stop letting your moments of kindness be my moments of weakness

You have some sort of power over me
And I can’t stand it
I hate looking in the mirror seeing that I have become your puppet
Treating me like a culprit when you’re the one pulling the strings
You’re picking me apart at the seams
And you don’t even notice me unraveling
I’m seeking validation on every occasion
That I’ve wasted chasing you
Praying that just once I’ll feel good enough
To stand by your side

I’m playing Russian roulette with my emotions
Hoping that the one that kills me is the happiness
I initially felt
And not the jealousy that has so carelessly
Taken over my being
I’m tired of feeling used
But I don’t know when to walk away
Caught in the sway of this complicated wave
I told you that I don’t handle complicated well
But you don’t seem to mind as long as you get what you want
In the end
And I’m left stuck with feelings of uncertainty
As you carefully leave
Making sure there’s no room for me to follow

I’m sick of rearranging my thoughts to suit your needs
Making myself available because I’m incapable
Of saying no to you
Knowing I deserve better, settling for someone
Who doesn’t even bother to show
I wish I could let go
Because that would be a whole lot less painful than holding on