do you ever think of me?
do you smell the clothes i had of yours that still smell like me?
do you ever think "why did i leave her"?
do you ever wish you could take it all back?
do you regret ripping out my heart?
do you remember everything we did together?
do you feel the ghost of my hand on yours?
do you still love me?
do you want me back?

you probably don't.

i try to convince myself that you just need time alone to figure who you are, what you want, where you're going and that you will come back. i know i'm a fool for believing that and i hate myself for giving my heart false hope.

my phone buzzes and my heart skips a beat, my eyes turn to saucers, but it's not you. my breath hitches and my eyes well.

friend : "are you okay today?"
me : "i'm fine, thanks."

i stare at the door you would knock on, letting yourself in gracefully after practice, after school, after work. i wait all day but you never show up. i shake my head and move back to the couch and wrap myself up in a blanket for another hour of crying.

i wander down the halls to class and i hold my breath in hopes i will get a glimpse of you. and yet i try to force myself to look down, i don't want to scare you off, you're already so timid. i never see you.

i lay in bed looking at the ceiling waiting for the medicine to kick in to help me sleep because my mind is filled with you you you. i can't sleep. i repeat over and over, "he doesn't love me anymore. he doesn't love me anymore." but i'm still hopeful he does.

i still remember when you first said i love you in the back seat of my moms car while i was singing terribly to my favorite song that week. i was so taken aback and filled to the brim with pure joy that i made you repeat it three more times. my face was red and my hands shook nervously. i whispered i love you too and slid my hand over yours and squeezed tightly.

i still love you as much as i did when you first stole my heart. and you gave my heart back gently and in my hands it turned to dust. i miss you, i do, and i wish you loved me too.

YOU GENTLY PLACED MY HEART ON THE GROUND, TURNED AROUND AND LEFT FEELING GUILTY FOR ALLOWING ME TO HAVE UNREQUITED LOVE FOR YOU. A YEAR AND FOUR MONTHS PUT DOWN THE DRAIN AND I'M DROWNING.

YOU'RE SO GENTLE AND IT FEELS LIKE YOU RAN ME OVER WITH A ******* TRAIN SEVEN TIMES. I'M IN PAIN. DO YOU CARE? DO YOU NOTICE? I'M SURE YOU'RE PERFECTLY HAPPY ON YOUR OWN NOW.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I'M HEAD OVER HEELS FOR YOU BUT YOU DECIDED YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE. WHY? WHY? WHY?

I REMEMBER THREE DAYS EARLIER WE WERE TANGLED TOGETHER ON MY LIVING ROOM FLOOR, KISSING AND LAPPING AT EACH OTHERS NECK. YOUR STUBBLE TICKLED ME AND I COULDN'T STOP GIGGLING; YOUR SMILE WAS INTOXICATING.

I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE ******* FACE, I WANT TO KISS YOU ON YOUR GORGEOUS MOUTH, I WANT TO CRY.
I WANT YOU TO PUNCH ME IN THE ******* FACE.
I WANT TO HURT MYSELF BECAUSE THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO BARE. I FEEL LIKE MY LUNGS COLLAPSE EVERY TIME I SEE YOU IN THE HALL.

MY HEART IS ******* RUINED AND I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

This is for the boy with lonely eyes,
Wandering from the freeway to the dark woods a mile away.
Fingers laced in his pockets with love notes she wrote to him
Before she moved away,
Across the states.

This is for the couples separated by oceans
Staying up until 1 A.M. to hear “I love you” over the phone.
Keeping exchanged letters in shoe boxes under their beds,
Crying into pillow cases left on cold mattresses.

This is for the little girls who get their hair pulled
Because their parents told them that means a boy likes you.
Disney romance day dreams at age seventeen
Getting bruises from boys pushing her against lockers.


Love unrequited or returned like ocean waves
Either way you’re still drowning.
No life preserver to hold you up because it doesn't
Carry baggage of four years.
Kiss the pale sun good bye,
There’s no oxygen in the hadalpelagic zone.

Feeling cool, damp, mist of air surround me
whilst I run my calloused finger tips over
the petals of every flower that reminds me
of you.

I never thought to study botany until the day
you spoke my name in the husk
of your skin chilling voice.
Everything you do, everything you say,
reminds me of the gentle chaste kisses
of Mother Nature.

Your eyes as mesmerizing as Borage,
lips as inviting as Hoya.
The way you say my name
reminds me of blooming Orange Cream Dahlias
and when you speak passionately is every
purple freckled Orchid.

I couldn't find any flowers to match the
radiance of your smile until I stumbled upon
my most beloved plant; the Sunflower.
The infant of the center of our solar systems
warmth. Because your smile is so warm
and inviting, all I can possibly do is bask in
its elegant beauty.

me :  “hey what does love mean to you? how does it make you feel?”

   **him : “Love is something two people share, it’s not something only one person can find. Love is zoning out of reality to find yourself subconsciously visioning you and that person building a life together. Love is taking a chance and giving up the one thing you can’t live without, to build a life around something else entirely. Love makes me feel as if I’m going on an adventure where my safety and well-being cannot be assured. I’m setting out on an adventure where the possibilities are endless. I feel like Bilbo Baggins signing that contract. Towards love I feel nothing less than thankful because I’d not be who I am without it today.”

  me : “i love you”

  him :  “I love you too.”