I was five years old
Long hair, chubby cheeks, loud voice and starry eyed;
I was out with my family
After thanksgiving
Tummies full and jolly laughter came from my dad,
His beard was growing out
Because it was getting chilly outside,
The stores were packed with people
Screaming and yelling and fighting over the best deals

Black Friday

We were supposed to visit my grandpa
In the hospital
Where it smelled like dying people
And medicine,
I didn't really mind the smell
I did all I could to make people laugh and smile,

But we were running late,
Mom’s phone started to jingle
And she answered in a professional voice
She always had when answering that stupid phone

She stopped and looked sad
Eyes tearing up

I didn't understand, I was only five,
As we rushed to the hospital

My grandpa was gone
My best friend was gone
My playmate was gone
My whole world was gone

And there was nothing I could do
Except cry
Every year
At home on the couch with mom
On Black Friday

i. Placing his hand on mine, I sigh in content. The feelings of adoration kept at the brim of my eyes, making my cheeks flush. Your lips part in a smile with your feelings coming through in a glow. You’re the boy I want to spend my days with and I hope you stick around long enough to figure out how I like my coffee.

ii. She grasps my face with tears down her face. I try to smile through my own salty waves of emotion. I’m the one who made her cry, not in pain but in joy. As I brought her a giant bouquet of her favorite flowers. Showering her in gifts and poems of my love for her. She’s the girl I love and I’m the girl she loves. The fever of passion fusing our lips together.

iii. He’s beaten and bruised, dark patches of colors covering his pale skin. It’s forbidden to love another man. But the feelings we share are intimate, attached, and fond. An aged man with sunken in eyes and alcohol on his breath won’t stop my heart from beating for this boy. So I bite my thumb to him and take my love where it is safe.

iv. I tucked myself away and pulled on my best dress. Caking on the powder and lipstick, feeling more beautiful than I have ever felt in the drab clothes of a male. I never felt like myself, but now I do in glamorous drag.  With boys and girls fanning over my every whim, because I am beautiful and nothing and no one will tell me otherwise.

It’s is Friday
And it’s cold
And I’m tired,
But I am very happy

Yesterday I was dying
Miserable
Perturbed
Full of anxious sickness,
I wanted nothing more but to sleep
The entire day away,
Not stirring
No movement
Just laying dead in my bed
Dreaming of something other than reality

But when I woke up today
I was smiling
Glowing
Filled with happiness that I didn't know I had
It felt like me
The real me

I got to see you this morning
And I glowed
Pure joy and excitement coming off of me in waves
I don't know what it is
But you make me better,
You treat me like a best friend
And a princess
I love it and I love you

Happy has five letters
I have five fingers on each hand
which have five nails each
that scratch and scratch
and break my skin
when I'm nervous and sad and anxious
there's nothing but red
and a scar
but I still don't feel better