For the first time you hit me.
2. For the second time I cut.
3. For the third time he ***** me.
4. For the fourth time I wished myself dead.
5. For the fifth time I lost a friend.
6. For the sixth time I cried.
7. For the seventh time I failed that class.
8. For the eighth time you called me that name.
9. For the ninth time I refused to eat.
10. For the tenth time I tried to **** me.

I'm that one girl, who sits in the back of the class.
Just so I can go unnoticed, make my life last.
I always hide in my room.
Just so I don't get beaten, and bruised.
The kids at school, call me worthless, and stupid.
The teachers, say I don't try, but I do try...
I try my hardest at everything, but they don't seem to notice.
My sibling's all they do is torture me.
As if they feed off of my pain, and fear.
I'm that one girl, who only wears ear buds.
To block out the voices of anger, and hurt.
My arms, are not that clean, or neat.
I'm not pretty, and when I say that I mean it.
Maybe I'm not worth it, maybe I'm just a piece of *******.
I am stupid, and I have come to believe it.
Maybe I really don't try hard enough, and I am not trying harder.
My sibling's can feed off me all they want, I don't care anymore.
I've taken my ear buds out, and I'm listening to the screaming of hate.
Yeah my arms are cut, and they will always be cut.
Yes I am not pretty, and that's the truth.
But I am me, and that's okay.

Left behind, bruised and broken.
Emotions inside, never cry.
Sleeves remain down, until tonight.
No fear, though I'm not alright.
"I'm fine," though I'm really dying.
Look in my eyes, oh so dull.
I was fat, look at me now.
I still don't eat, I'm becoming skinny.
Am I your perfect princess, really?
My thoughts, remain suicidal.
I will never be someones idol.
I know, because I already tried.

"I'm fine," she says with a halfhearted grin.
"I'm fine," she says again, waving away a helpful hand.
"I'm fine," she says to herself, several minutes later.
"I'm fine," she whispers, wiping her face.
She's not fine.

"I'm fine," she says moments after the cry leaves her lips.
"I'm fine," she says to herself, sinking to the floor.
"I'm fine," she tells herself, shaking in a ball.
"I'm fine," she repeats, picking up the razorblade.
She's not fine.

"I'm fine," she says to her concerned family.
"I'm fine," she insists as those who love her worry.
"I'm fine," she says to anyone who listens.
"I'm fine," she lies as she slices her wrists.
She's not fine.

"I'm fine," she cries, sobbing on the bathroom floor.
"I'm fine," she wails, but only in a whisper.
"I'm fine," she mutters, watching the blood leave her wrist.
"I'm fine," she practices, stepping from the room.
She's not fine.

"I'm fine," she assures the world outside.

this night is over
i'm all tired out
remember when I say
everything's okay,
d*on't let them bring you down
because tomorrow is another day
and things will turn around.

What has life made of me?
Where has life taken me?

This body has never been mine, nor will this mind ever be.

There is a terrific sadness in every time
I look in the mirror and pretend to smile.

Dear Adam,
I have missed the spring and I am coming to you soon
The eyes that flicker, the stories behind the eyelids
The heart that ***** in the air
Like a flightless bird that dreams to fly.
Make sure you open up those heavy arms of yours
Make of my thin body your prisoner
Forever
See me for the second time,
Look at me as if it was the first time.

Adam, the ground has never been mine to walk upon
This Earth is selfish, she wants us all
But I am weary, just like you.
Everywhere I look, I find wrinkles
Old objects full of dust
Young people full of lust
Golden hearts full of rust.

Adam, I have been reeking of desolation
Since the day I died
Right there on grass that has never been greener
Under a sun that has never shone brighter
Since I died
Of longing
I have been reeking of desperation
If it wasn't for the books you left me,
If it wasn't for this letter today
If it wasn't for the hope of finding you again
I would have long turned into a portrait
Copied off of a portrait of a portrait
Of a portrait someone painted off the back of their mind
Intelligible and faint.

Adam, the lines on my palms are fading
Drip by drip
The water in me is adding up
And drowning what life has left of me
Poor little soul, good for nothing but the sadness

Adam, I wish I was sad like you
But I am not sad
I am bored,
Like a writer that never learned to write
A painter without paints
A mermaid on land
I am bored like the zoo.

I am coming to you soon.
But I know you're not there.

Goodbye summer and everything that's as clear
I will miss you my dear.


-- Watercolour

I say I am okay,
but we both know I'm not.
You know what I did last night.
I know what you thought.
You know that I sat there and cried.
You see right through my guilty lies.
I had the blade to my wrist
for the first time in a while, I gave it a twist.
I was so proud. I made it almost a year.
Why did I even bother shedding another tear?
Its because depression isn't a phase,
It lasts forever
No matter how good your life is put together.
You think you're happy, but that's the phase.
Happiness is the act on the stage.

I can't breathe,
I can't move.
I see nothing but darkness.
That small glimpse of light, is nothing but a blur.
My hands are shaking.
My heart is breaking.
and with that I collapsed,
crying on the bathroom floor.
My throat is closed up and I gasp for air.
I wonder when you'll be here.
I feel  dead, emotionless,
if any emotion, I am just depressed.
I gain eyesight,
and then the ability to breathe.
My hands stop shaking,
but my heart is still racing.
Anxiety has hit me, made me go insane.
and I am oblivious to when it will strike again.

The deepest ocean,
Waves in motion.
The deepest secrets
The more you keep it,
The deepest cut,
Happens when the door is shut.
The deepest night,
Is when you can't sleep right.
The deepest hour,
Is when I start to cower.
The deepest fear,
Is when I disappear
The deepes mind,
Always finds.
The deepest heart,
Is torn apart