the taxidermy eagle stares me down
as I'm disappearing from the world
concealed beneath the stairs
stiff green upholstery threadbare
I'm more archaic than the air
at a four sided table with five chairs
I hide in a labyrinth's best kept secret
publicly my own
believers find me not

I was always slightly annoyed
he said hello for just a little too long
my eyes and feet cast toward the door
he sat with tea in a public pass through
too many eyes would pass over
mine included
I found out why,
don't remember what sparked it
shrugs
"I don't really have any friends"
casual acceptance
he greeted everyone with a smile
my heart hurt
not many, but any
to him it was another day
my thoughts counteracted my actions
and I let him be
the next day too
and every time after I found out
feeling bad, but not enough to make a change
I won't see him next year
I wish I were a better person.

Margo was a car.
a Tahoe from Texas
and I felt at ease
whether asleep in the backseat
or playing DJ from the front
home was always changing
but I felt comfort in different states
and always alone.

the absence of kind words hurts less
than the presence of harsh thoughts

I don’t know if my pull is magnetic,
or if I am glue and people just get caught up in the mess.

Death is a slumber
a weary home body
lurking into life just to leave town
Hide your thoughts, your bones
Pleasing thoughts in a corpse-less home
shut the door close the lid
send goodnight kisses to the moon
all settled in, throw the stars from your mind
cough out thirty bucks for the hearse, throw the coffin in too

It shape-shifts
Almost recognizes me for what it once was
Yet love now hides behind guarded eyes
Hardened to safeguards and boundaries
Close, but measured
Each interaction separated with caution
Breathless not but held instead
Demotion
Gives falling in love a new name

postures like a *****
cardboard handshakes in passing
you don't belong here

best friends or enemies they said
funny how rivalries tend to start
with glances cast out like cavalry
so here we stand
opposite sides of the same army
one can't serve two masters
secret spies and fierce faces
two queens fail at leading a kingdom
fighting for a throne was never my desire
in contrast
I can't raise white flags
when you turn on your people
I'll hold my ground, defend it with my life
I'll build new walls out of stone this time
For what am I
if I let those dear to me cross boundaries

smile, darling
I hear cannons in the not so distant future

Loser,
Gosh I miss you
...lame

How would you feel if I grabbed hold of your hand?

Or if we screamed so loud to your favorite band?

Would you want to watch sunsets or Netflix with me?

Which do you prefer, math or history?

I could go on, but it wouldn't matter

Sometimes the pressure is just to much
I know I'm not alone in this but I think I'm gonna pop
You feel it too, I know, but you try not to let it show
I'm starving for an answer, I beg you for a truth
A response to know you're there for me
like I was there for you

Sometimes I picture happiness, it starts with your similing face
I try so hard to forget it, let go of all the dreams
I live in a reality, where you were meant for me
but no matter what I say, no matter what I do
I know deep down inside, I can't live my whole life for you

You're depressed.
You say I'd know.

You're depressed you say.
I'd know.

I am fearful of my future
so regretful of my past
and as far as the present goes,
I don't think it will last

There we were, all three of us
With triangle flags proudly flying team colors: red alternating with black, hung above our heads

The sky displayed a golden overcast and 90's glow, we immersed ourselves in the misty chlorine rain, created out of sunset teenage days, we indulged in the vintage filtered vibes that were formed of summer storms,

We remained treading in fluorescent blues until the leftover orange, lemon-yellow, and soft peach colors of the afterstorm flooded into the foggy pool,

...and there were chapped lips--cinammon sweet, water-worn fingers, and stinging red eyes hidden behind Ray Bans.

Their daydream smiles were two weeks behind, brimming with nostalgia of a previous decade

...

I miss them like spring--they're already gone, don't they dare to linger on me like afternoon heat, causing glassy water to absorb a fading season's warmth

But soon evenings will go cold and the afternoon air will turn to college sweatshirt nights, and a fleeting season that can never exist will leave me behind, even though I don't want it to...

(Babe, your summer lasts a year longer than mine ever will)

Because it was there and so was I
perhaps an open book
Growing up I never had dreams
I didn’t realize they could be small
That dreams could be a room full of books I’ve read cover to cover
It was always how life
could change course
upon meeting another
Not the decisions
The little ways I diversify life
With new pleasantries
I write down the dreams
Watch them add up

In terms of ideologies
and personal philosophies
I find myself lacking
Critical talents born of creation
Leaving me in space
Without A North Star direction
To hang upon my sky
Forcing me to navigate without a proper guide
I seem to disappear in a world not mine to hide

Forgetting there was a time before one existed proves how self-centered we have become

For my sixteenth birthday she gave me a locket
Which I keep inside a bag, inside a box, inside of my drawer
All shiny and silver, with initials engraved
Carved on its back the date forever saved
It is resting undisturbed, never worn out
Though I try it out from time to time
Put it on by the mirror and wonder to myself
This is who I would be had things stayed the same
I shake my heavy head, unclasp it from my neck
The last piece of you at last is removed
And yes, I do try to forgive
But to this day that locket stays
Inside of a bag, in a box, at the bottom of my drawer

I don't put it on anymore

Make it stop
Today was a good day
I feel happy
I keep telling myself
Don't let the emptiness creep back in
I'm supported, I'm loved
I know this
I feel it
But doubt is never ending
and I know it can come back
I don't want it to
I'm okay now
I'm free
at least I thought that I was
and I'm scared
please don't leave me
I can't get close
I recoil
I pull back
It's what I do
But I don't want it to be like this
because as soon as I feel loved and content
I remember that I can loose it all
so its better not to risk it
But I want to
half the time at least
I'm scared
don't let me get dark again
I can't handle that anymore

It's so pathetic​
I'm drowning in a fountain
Because it's shallow

The day didn’t happen
My time didn’t stop
But you were there
And now I’m not

A tongue stamped tatooo
Branded deep behind her teeth
A name to swallow

I am a wildfire
Yet you turn me on just by lighting candles

I think we'll be okay
she talks to me
I look at her
I close my eyes
I hold my breath
she's by my side
I exhale and she's still there

I'd tell you about the day I found myself
but to this year I’m still looking
my skills are better suited for finding four leaf clovers in the valley
I know what you'd tell me
you'd think I would have better luck by now
instead I'm left with a pile of mutated weeds and a disheartened mentality.

Maybelline Beauty
She walked down the street
Down to the corner, where they were to meet

With eyes that held mysteries
Arms full of past histories
She was a sweet melody
A rhythm to his song

Maybelline Beauty
A smile so grand
A laugh so divine
He grabbed hold of her hand

Maybelline Beauty
Down to her core
A pretty persona,
She acted so pure

...And maybe she's born with it,
That Maybelline Beauty

They all found love
Just wait until I find myself

I skim
milk
books
boards on waves
I skin
snakes
organs
knees
on hard floors
I stare
out
blankly
with a straight face
I cry
out
loud
for lost souls

My room contains two windows
but light only pours in through one

You are a puzzle with pieces that don't fit right

People whisper when they walk
I hear them
Thoughts, secrets under their breath
Opening themselves up to the world
Because they think no one is listening
They hum, the brave ones sing a tune
Muttered memories
They didn't intend to share aloud
And I hear them

You
are a song
that grabs my attention
in seconds

I wish he would hold me
and not just my body
Grounded
I want stability
Not to be felt
But understood entirely

Your forever
ends today
and starts tomorrow

Covet the whispers
they seep through the walls
Unbeknownst
who she talks to
Bear secrets
not for me
Only shadow selves
and glimmers
of shining stars
stuck on dimmers
Covet the whispers

It starts over every night
You have to warm up to me
Er, I have to warm up to you
Same room
Different days
You're happy
You shut down

It starts over every night
You have to warm up to me
Come back
I don't know you
You're in the same room
You're never really here

It starts over every night
You have to warm up to me
I learn something new
The ice starts to soften

It starts over every night.