I am sitting on a ledge in the median of the hallway
my back to a wall and a book filled with heartbroken poetry sitting upon my lap
timed perfectly, classes let out and I am alone in my happy place
as the world races on around me
I look up for a moment, my eyes are drawn to crossed legs and tan heeled boots that make that "clicking" noise when I walk
Its loud.
But it makes a subtle rioting statement and I feel powerful when I walk
I turn the page
the next block of classes begin and the hallway returns to its peaceful state
it matches my thoughts
I continue on my tranquil journey in a book of another girl's pain, sorry, love
Ironic.
the time betrays me
sadly I pack up my belongings, gingerly stuffing the pages into my bag
And then, six months later, a boy in a black, orange and white flannel, who I know all too well
drifts past like a phantom in the wrong dimension
I don't notice him
his hat was on backwards
he finally grew out his beard
and I don't know who he is
until his gaze traps my body in his eyes
I don't know him, so I don't notice as my mouth forms into an almost not quite smile of nonrecognition
but he watches me. and I get up to leave
a second of hesitation I turn the corner too late
he's gone

Here lie secrets
Barely out of reach
All the things
Out there with no
Words to speak
Show me
A child’s game
love only knows
What I’ll never tell
And ever will
A world
Full of mysteries
forget
Line thrills
And take me
by my words
Never realize the things
I can’t escape; I live
No chance but to walk
On forward into
forever stays
closed at night
But when the sun comes back
I’ll rise to my death
Because believe me
Secrets never keep

tap my shoulder turn me around
slide your chair a little closer
let me listen for a while
lean your head into mine
and don't look away
speak of your sorrows
of your trouble filled worries
don't go away for the night
check in don't check out
please don't mention going
You'll be gone forever

I can't get rid of anything.
books I'll never read borrowed from my sister
worn navy-blue middle school band t-shirts
grandmother's photo albums of adventures I look at once every half decade
a spider-man lamp I plugged in maybe once
three different digital cameras dating back before 2007
white rose, silver ribbon dried flower corsage from senior prom
two can openers... I can't explain this one
memory jar of trinkets and treasures collected in single digit years
ten scarves cluttering my wall that I will definitely wear "one day"
cleats for who knows what sport
the orange nev surfboard from my uncle. I don't know how to surf.
Marshmallow, the ratty threadbare cat with the pink velvet nose
quarter collection--why haven't I spent yet?
store bought seashells, metro cards, old medications, empty make-up bottles, broken jewelry and flats a half size too big
Baggage.

You know, if you replete a word over and over, it won't sound the same
And this holds true with everything
Except for your name

I used to like the fluffy
light
Cloud consistency
Of a single comforter
But now the layers of sheets
Appeal to me
All because
I like to feel the weight

The things I whisper to myself:
You are not entitled to my thoughts
You have no jurisdiction over my actions
You cannot control my emotions
and yet,
I have to apologize to myself in secret for apologizing to you out loud.

I am the high school posters that hung on your wall
Becoming irrelevant with time
A girl of a different era
I can only hope that you hesitate when taking them down

I used to measure my day in minutes
but much like the months
they pass--obsolete
and now I only use feet

Micromanage
Micro---(soft)
Telescope for viewing
Possibilities endless

Limitations.
Degradations.
...feeling microscopic

maybe I miss you
but if I'm honest with you
I'm too busy to be lonely

I danced with a boy
he was cute
I didn't care
he had forgotten my name
I had met him only once
he thought he was cute
he thought I would care
I danced with a boy
we danced around topics
I didn't care
he fell in love with every dance

I didn't think that
You would ever come around
But I'm glad you did

She tells me we wouldn't have known any better
if we had stayed
our hearts would have known nothing greater
imaginations longed for nothing more
and aspirations happily contained within
the boundaries of our existence
ocean and the mountains
two hours in either direction
we could have never left
yet now my bones ache with a secret sense
and I feel at home in my older skin
only after tasting the freedom of the unknown

My mistakes are unintentional
But I then commit
And my recovery is deliberate

they didn't have a name for me
the moment it seemed
I started to belong
was the same instance
I began to reminisce
and like a jab
nothing has changed
my state remains
undone
everything that once was
suddenly starts to matter
maybe its time to unravel
move slowly and you'll flow right on through

It scares me
The things I like about you
...The parts I'm not quite sure about
You're imbedded in my head
Name on replay
We make sense
But it's not a good combination
How do I know I'm not just settling?
What if, someone else is
Out there
Who I might overlook
Miss out on
Because I chose you
How do I know it's what I want?
Don't make this easy,
I crave the chase
But I don't know how to commit

Take crayons to the corners of my world
Tell me what I am
Expand my edges
See what I become
I have never felt so small
Let me move you
I’ll show you where to put the lines

Soft, blushing pink petals
Falling like rain around me
Covered in blossoms, in pure enticement
Beautiful in an enchanting way
Filling my heart with surprises
A sudden burst inside me
Can you help me hide my smile?
But I don't know if I want to
Our sky is filled with stars bright
Like gems of joy and happiness
Each one new, filled with amazement
Can you believe it?
A galaxy just for us
With night alive and day to rest
Can we savor hours of infinite heaven
Together beside the endless sea
Of bodies, wandering aimlessly walking
I'm glad that's not us
I've found my place
It's next to you
Where ever you go
Whatever I do
It's spectacular the way
Fate has unraveled
Revealing our destinies
The best way possible
Can you imagine?
It's all ours
Let's just take our moment
Meet me there okay?

darling, you are lovely
call me your bird
and I'll parrot back to you sweet nothings
that reinforce your radiance
with the rapid fire beat of my fluttering heart and wings

Sometimes I hold my breath
And squeeze and squeeze until there’s nothing left
To fight the empty nothingness
And create some of it myself
Because cuts turn to scars and scars turn to questions and permanent problems that never go away
To let go means to bare open
All of a lengthy list of insecurities and poor decisions
That I am in the making
So I’m quiet until confident
But falsely secure
In who my words and lips reach
Out to anyone and everyone I meet
Hoping
But instead blindly trusting each and every one to stay
Away they push
Not with passion but
The gentle turn of a page

I can't clasp your hand
For when I fall
I won't be able to catch myself
And I'm not trusting enough
To rely on your strength
To keep me upright
Not that I don't think you're capable
But I won't give you the chance.

Time is finite
Love is not

one hundred percent
single chopstick and two eggs
funny visual

the fire knows his place
warmly embraced by a cage nine circles deep
though yellow heat is tamed by a switch, fire's coals will keep
burning before a glass covered face

You made me float through days
lost in a haze
I almost let it all go
and nobody knows
I think its kind of sad
that we turned out to be
noting more than stories
that won't be passed on
from me or you
to anyone

If I gave myself over to the waves
Would my soul stop longing?
Calling out into the void
Easing into the energy
Movements back and forth
But not displaced
I could be one with the sea
Free to roam and spread and be
Tempestuous
Flowing
All of me crashing into the shore
At once
That’s who I am
Run ragged
Thrashed against sand banks
Repeatedly
I find myself
An empty body
Lost at sea
And
Drying out

wrought iron spiral stair cases
kisses in the rain
ivy tendrils climb stone walls
potted Terracotta line the balcony
song birds sweep love in a summer breeze
a weathered violin sings its response
stars twinkle like string lights hung from the moon
floating rose petals fight gravity
in a tranquil budding storm
blooming surroundings become static
to thoughts and actions
nimble limbs name the only movement makers
but for dynamic art in this pastel piece
of stillness
at the secret garden ball

When you're so sick of pills
You think you might need pills
To fix the pounding, the pulsing of your brain
You're so sick
The treatment hasn't worked in years
And you say you're dead inside and out
Get therapy, kid
Get help
Gosh just get with it

the problem with accomplishment:
when my whole day
is her equivalent
of two hours

look down on everything intangible
"its a good thing you're pretty"

ones who love me don't know me
still unloved by those who do

it was scary
how easy it was
everything safe and familiar
replaced by all things new and exciting
but with ease
my edges grew
and I claimed it as mine

pull close
push away
fingers slip
cling to cracks
hold on tight
hands on hands
break my knuckles
fighting back
filled with need
find release
letting go
and I'm free

I should have known better than
to bring the outside world in
but I was rash, carefree in nature
and I was naive, careless with nature
and four little eggshells fell
how offputting they lay
where life granting blessings seldom belong
nothing could be done to remedy
three perfect birds to be, gone
and one lofty mistake
left in a pile of goo

I look forward to the day you leave me
because your love is the white lights in this tunnel
that slowly fade to orange
I remember when you co-signed on our talk show relationship
but now you're being demoted from co-host to cameo

there's a girl with red hair
and vintage red polka dot dresses
she doesn't miss anything
save for the five foot mark
she's a short little firecracker
full of opinions and wit
soft souled
one of those girls with an affinity for quaint little boutiques
with over priced trinkets
(don't even get me started on used book stores)
a grounded free spirit
who buys tea at coffee shops
I couldn't remember her order if I tried
pictures never capture her
moments fill her feed
she holds nothing back
(vulnerability excluded)
toddlers make her laugh more than cute boys
her heroes consist of Ron Paul and Leslie Knope
(can't forget John Mulaney)
car trouble every other day
single handly solos twelve hour road trips
not a moments hesitation
spontaneous and steadfast
drives an hour just for donuts
southern baptist?
heels and tights
more stories than battle scars
titles fill her desk
from poetry pages to presidential plaques
her range is astronomical
no shame in wearing pajama pants
into gas stations or grocery stores
her heart gives itself away
in water color paintings and chocolate chip cookies
no no she can't eat that
"I'm lactose intolerant, remember?"
laughs and eats it anyway
I could sum her up in a sentence, but an encyclopedia is not enough

I love him
I love him
I love him she says

butterflies and rainbows occupy
the imaginations in her head
but he doesn’t need her for the world
to be filled with magic

I'm fighting with myself
chaos encompassing all those around
caught in my mess
who cares anyway
take a breath
and live
another day
or week
or month
replay the same mistakes I've made
maybe I'll start with a smile
perhaps a new approach
to these same problems
I find within myself
but that's just how it goes
and goes and goes and goes
all wrong
until it spins out of control
and I have new wreckage
with out of date technology and techniques to help out

He doesn’t think I’m strong.
I could end it at that. My entire thought process boiled down to five words, but I’ll go on.
I have fears. I’m used to going it alone, and sometimes I back out just before I go too far. In any direction. But that choice is within my control, and I am empowered.
Yes, I am scared, but that doesn’t mean I will stop trying.

My face becomes a watercolor
the patterns swirl
with your every word