At one point he realized that if he hugged me hard enough our hugs don’t last as long

It reminds me of the way some people take pills
if you take enough all at one time
perhaps the dosage will be strong enough
to run through your blood like runners in a race
to blissfully declare that it’s all for nothing and nothing for all
that the feeling of my shoulderblades cracking under pressure
is better than overdosing on pills

It reminds me of the way some people gorge on food
because if you eat it all as fast as you can
it takes a few minutes before your stomach feels that its too much
and if you wait to puke it all up in the bathroom of your school after lunch
maybe the feel of ***** and the burn in your throat
is worth the taste of all that food
that you ate too fast to enjoy it

It reminds me of the way some people use their orajel
because if you sit there are you numb one spot
all the other aches are suddenly so appearant
because all of you hurts, doesn’t it?
Not just one tooth, but all the others
and if you numb the one distracting you
suddenly your whole mouth is in disarray
and you hurt everywhere

It reminds me of life support
because a machine pumping what you were born with into your body
reminds me of the way I cling like a child to their mother’s skirts
to you as if you were my only living teddybear
because I know that if you were to walk away one day
I could go on living
and that fact alone makes it that much likely
that you’ll stay even longer

because I don’t think I need you
but I want you around anyway

When I’m sad I crave french fries

They taste like happiness is supposed to feel
like grease dripping from your lips as you sit back and enjoy yourself
like indulging a craving that everyone says will only make you fat and unattractive
and this
feels like a goodbye

French fries don’t ask you to talk about your feelings and
French fries don’t tell you ‘no’ when you reach for them
French fries only comfort and tell you that it’ll all be okay
because spending a few bucks on McDonalds is always better than taking a razor to your skin
the threat of gaining a few extra pounds is nothing when you think that I could be running toward a precipice with no hope of stopping
No desire to pause in my motion until I am airbourne
because Moriarty said that falling is just like flying
until you stop

French fries are always warm

They cool over time but by then they are making their way through a system made only to squeeze what nutrition can be found there
They don’t keep me up at night with cravings for more
because when I eat French Fries I’m only trying to sit here and live in this moment
because French Fries don’t tell me what I don’t want to hear and
French Fries don’t pull things like me like a string around a loose tooth and
French fries don’t slam the door

When I’m angry they taste like tears

I haven’t cried more than two tears since the day my heart up and left me
I’ve tried to tell everyone that being unable to cry doesn’t mean I can’t feel anything
except when it does
and maybe that just means that I am hollow and dry on the inside as well, maybe it means the soul I thought was old as my great grandmother’s is simply an empty space
But I don’t want to believe my being is half of something else
to be filled by someone who can leave any other day
I don’t want
to be desperate
but the grit of salt on my fingers feels a lot like missing you
so I lick it off
because they say that salt purifies and I haven’t felt clean since this time last year when you
got drunk and told me that you loved me

So I’m sorry if I can’t get to you through all the french fries
I’m sorry that I can’t reach far enough to grasp at straws and I’m
sorry that eating fast food is the only way I can find release and
I’m sorry that sometimes I think that maybe it’s for the better, you know?
because all this is just ridiculous and
we were supposed to get married and
I knew it was stupid to think so at the time because everyone says that high school can’t last forever and I’m
a senior

I’m sorry that I made you happy

because happiness is the only thing more devious than the male mind and
I told you that I would gladly let you move in if your parents disowned you and
I told you that I was thinking about you through spoken word poems I never got around to writing and
I told you to bring a blanket to that roof you watch the stars on to get away from your demons and
I told you that it didn’t matter to me if you relapsed
and
still you act like I’ve never said a word

but French Fries fill me from toe to crown and I
know now
that the taste of them fills me better than bitterness ever had and
that finding release in fattening strips of potato is better than
wishing I was dead every moment and

I’m sorry that I can’t do this anymore

So everytime I go to McDonalds and order one, two, three orders of large fries
know I always order one for Chelsea,
but I eat the other two for you
because to me they taste like Burger King
and an order of French Fries

How dare I
put my own
happiness
without first
waiting

Once when I was little
I was dared to jump off the roof
of my uncle’s house, but it wasn’t so tall
just one, two, three stories,
but I didn’t die I didn’t
I landed on the trampoline
it didn’t break, it didn’t break
not until my next cousin jumped
and missed the thing entirely
breaking his ankle, and nothing else
and giving my aunt a heart attack
but I won the bet at least

Once when I was in Spanish Class
We had a no english day
so we spoke in pig latin
and she couldn’t make us stop
because pig latin isn’t english
and there was nothing she could do about it

Once I had a dream
that we tied strings to our friend
and he flew in the wind like a kite
our instructor fell from the ceiling
“I’m not your ****** one winged bird”
and you turned into a teddy bear

Once I had a nightmare
that I was walking along the train tracks
in the dark and couldn’t find
the person calling for me
it was you, and her, and the others
and it wasn’t safe, but I couldn’t find you

Once I had a dream
that animals were tearing at each other
at themselves
that a storage space stood empty
and you told me quite simply
“Stop it.”

Once I stood on ice and water
fingers slipping against rock
too heavy for me to hold and
much too heavy for me to keep
and it slipped from my fingers
and you dove in
and saved me

Once I sat in Thomas’s class
and daydreamed we ****** on every surface
and thought that maybe it was
completely plausible
that Thomas and the class would be there too
at least I think that happened once
or twice or three times
but it may not have happened at all

Once I sat in the library
writing up a heap of lies
and wondering which the poem was
a lie or a truth or both
I wondered where the exaggeration came
where it went
and paused to think it through again
as if it were nothing else.

Once we walked home together
and there was silence between us,
Tyrell words, growing stronger,
and I wondered what it was
that was so terrible about silence
with two people on either side
understanding the other.

Once I woke up alone
and saw you standing there in my bedroom
but you were younger, smaller,
and your eyes glowed something fierce
I could tell they were blue then,
though usually I don’t remember
and most times I can’t even discern
the color of your hair

Once I realized
I don’t like blonds.
They annoy me and they vex me
and I can’t deal with that
but honestly, what do I expect?
Her hair’s blonde naturally, you know
she dyes it so no one knows.
And they say you’re blond too, I guess
but I don’t think it shows.

Like falling to the earth, your wings aflame
but realizing that it isn't fear you're feeling
Like trying to keep yourself in perfect balance
but tempted, sorely tempted, to let go

Like telling yourself not to fly too close to the sun
but loving the way the burn cleanses
Like telling yourself not to fly too close to the waves
but tasting freedom in salty sea air

Like the moment when you realize you will fall
but accepting the inevitable with a smile
Like the spiraling decent toward your fate
but it feels like a roller coaster

Like the squeak and complaint of gears
this contraption wasn't made for this
Like a father's cry of complete horror
but weren't we aiming for escape?

Like the fear and attempt of saving your life
but don't martyrs die for freedom?
Like the scream of pure delight ripped from your smile
A trail of feathers all that remains of your inhibition

Today, it rained

The liquid poured from the sky
As if the gods were screaming
Yelling their triumph from the heavens
And showering their domain
in the blood of nonbelievers

Today, it poured

The sound of rain on the library roof
is something of a dull roar
Like the sound of a Roman crowd
screaming for their champion
as they face the beast from below

Like the sound of sword on shield
the repeated beat of boots on ground
of smiles red with blood
and faces lined with sweat.

Like the sound of tire on pavement
of speed unchecked and controlled
of a kiss on the lips and a tangling of breath
of lightning forking through the sky

Like the feeling of feeling again
Of numbness washed away
Of loneliness swirling in a drain
Of the rebirth of Peebles, Kay