I love the way books have creases in the spines
that prove you have read them.

I love the way books can give you a story
but you get to decide how you interpret it

I love every time you read a book, no matter how many times you read it
you find something new that you have not recognized before

I love how books can make you laugh and cry
but how can relate to them more than anything

I love how books can inspire or discourage someone to do something
but either way it changed the way one thinks

I love how even in your darkest times
books offer an escape so you feel better about yourself

Books offer so much that I cannot
but I collect enough, maybe I soon will be able to

I don’t have butterflies in my stomach when I see you.
I have an entire zoo.

My heart pounds to the song the birds are singing,
and to that song the monkeys are swinging.

My heart knows but my brain cannot decide,
Peacocks wish to flash their beauty and prairie dogs wish to hide.

Lions roar and snakes reach out to you
but I ignore them and the feeling too.

What is the point?
Was I just put here to sit through classes and
understand information I will never use?
I want to be useful
MEANINGFUL
Give me something to believe in
To be passionate about
That MATTERS
Not just to me
But the world
I want to leave something for when I die
So I can be remembered
So my life matters more than just barely outside myself
I need purpose.
I need meaning.
Because if I don’t
Why am I even here?

I do not know what I want.
I do not know if its you or them
but I do know that I do not want this.
I do not want to memorize useless facts
or formulas that I will never remember
I do not want a life that means nothing to someone
I do not want average
So what does my ideal life look like?
So far
not this.

I could say that
I was a pebble and you were a boulder
I could say that
I was like a small dwarf planet revolving around my sun
I could say that
I needed you

but I would be lying.
I try to need you
I try to feel the way you feel
I try to remember what it was like to love you
but I cannot.

I could say
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
but that’s cliche and a lie
that would make it worse.
I could say
“It’s not anything you did”
but I’m not sure if that’s a lie

All that I know is true is
you are the last person I want to hurt
but the last person I need

Sorry.

People say that rhyme about sticks and stones
but don’t dare tell me
that these emotions
that make you feel like you are having open heart surgery and running a marathon at the same time
hurts less than a broken bone.

Sadness leaves scars
whether they are physical or internal.
Grief leaves bruises
the size of your heart
Anxiety leaves you broken
and it takes more than a cast and pain killers to even slightly endure it.

Mr. Mirror does not see what she sees.
He see the truth, and shows it to her
But she does not have her glasses on.
She does not see what Mr. Mirror sees.

Mr. Mirror cannot smell
or taste
he cannot show what he feels
or hears
but he does hear the same sobs everyday
and feels like hugging her
and comforting her
but he cannot.

She tries
to like what she sees.
She tries
to give herself a smile when she sees him
but behind her face there is a girl
truly in pain.
Mr. Mirror did not see her smile for weeks.
One day she hopped in the bath.
Mr. Mirror saw it all go down from there
Blood gushed down her arm
her pains finally having a physical appearance.
Mr. Mirror was screaming
but no one heard.
No one could.  

Mr. Mirror did not see change for
three days.
He had to watch her
in that state
for three days
until finally a man opened the door
to see the horrible
tragedy.
Men in black uniforms came and took her away.

After years of staring at the empty wall
thinking of her
and how he couldn’t save her
a new lady started to see him every now and then.
She smiled every day
and all he could think about
was never letting that smile fade
but he can’t guarantee that.

I can’t hold on anymore.
I fall to the ground, panting.
I’m so tired of being in pain.
Nothing has every hurt as much
My sadness, anxiety, and stress
Do not even compare to
This physical pain and tension I am currently feeling
I feel it everywhere
My chest
My spine
I will never get used to it
I think I’m fine but then
It gets worse
I try to hide it in the most creative ways.
I can’t reverse the pain.