Your presence still haunts me,
and there are still pieces of you that I find
within every waking moment.
I don't know why I find myself
writing only about you.
I remember when you wrote about me too,
but the good times are slipping away from my mind,
and soon all I'm left with
are the harsh words you threw at me before you left.

And now, I guess it's clear
why you're all that comes to mind when I write.
Because if I don't have you down on paper,
I suppose I don't really have you at all.

I want you to regret what you did to me.
I want you to have sleepless nights,
and mornings where your sadness pins you to your bed.
I want tsunamis of tears at 2am and the thought that everything is your fault.
I want regret and bitterness to fill you  like our joy use to fill each other,
and I want the broken promises to scream at you from your bedroom walls early in the AM.
I want loneliness,
so much loneliness,
and maybe then,
you'll understand the beginning of what I feel.

I woke up this morning
with an indescribable sadness.
It made me realize
that no matter how much I tell myself
I am getting better,
I am stuck.
I'm stuck in this loop
of feeling everything at once
and nothing at all-
A constant hurricane of emotion,
and this sadness has consumed me.

At 4am you're either on top of the world, or under it.

I promised myself months ago,
that I would never cry about you again.
But here I am,
at 2:31am,
spilling my eyes out over you.
This will not be my last time,
although you probably never even shed a tear about me.

Sometimes I wonder how I've become such a ****** person,
but then I remember that after a while,
your friends start to rub off on you.
Yeah, you were pretty ******,
and you made me ******* bitter.

Months are passing by
in the blink of an eye,
and everything's moving so fast.
Moments are held together by prolonged hugs and tender kisses,
and the moments away
are like a knife to the back
and the harsh word,
"goodbye".
One moment,
I feel at peace.
And one moment,
the air in my lungs thicken,
and I forget how to breathe.

And I can't help but wonder
if you ever feel it too.

But as I'm looking back on our texts,
I find myself re-reading the last words you ever said to me.
"No problem.
I got your back."
But can you please tell me,
where you are now?
Because it has been months,
and I am constantly washed in misery,
and there has been not a single soul
to keep me company.
I still wander if you ever think of me.
Or was it just as easy to forget about me
as it was to leave me?

One day,
I'll be able to walk on my own two feet,
and I'll be so strong at that point
that I won't even remember
you being the reason
I couldn't get off the ground in the first place.

But how am I supposed to know
what we are
if one moment we are spilling our hearts out to one another,
and the next,
we aren't even talking?

It's funny how the calm ocean
that roars inside of you,
can turn into a raging, violent storm,
at the reaction to my words.

Words so simple,
so quietly spoken,
most wouldn't even listen.
My words are often overlooked,
or minimized,
and that's why I was so surprised
when you listened very closely,
and turned, dark and against me.

I have learned that my biggest creations,
were better left unspoken.
Safe from criticism,
or hate,
or judgement.
Just locked away in the back of my mind,
that way I can fantasize
the fact that I might make it happen,
someday.

So be your own garden.
Bloom only when you are ready,
and when you do,
dig your roots deep into the ground,
face your beauty towards the sun,
and grow.

That’s my advice.

Because when chaos breaks out,
and you’re lost in the madness your mind has brought on,
you will have planted your roots so deep into the ground,
you will not fall.
You will have support,
and you will be okay.

And when the world tries to break you,
and tell you to give up,
you will have seen the brighter side,
because you have seen the sun before,
and you know,
behind the clouds,
it’s still there,
and you will be okay.

And when life gets hard,
and the rain won’t stop pouring,
pounding down against your fragile self,
and you feel yourself about to give in,
you will grow
because our hardest battles,
tend to make us who we are.
So things will get hard,
and the world will break you,
but you will be okay.
Always.

Don’t wait for someone to plant flowers within you.
You are on your own,
and for a time you will hate that,
but you will soon realize,
you can be your own hero//

But now it's 1 am
and the dim light of the moon
illuminates my bedroom.
The light falls right onto my eyes
and I am forced to sit and think.
Many things come to mind.
Thoughts come flooding in,
and somehow,
you manage to crawl deep into my thoughts.
"I miss you."
I tell myself,
but I know you are happy,
and I know you're fine without me.
It hurts,
but I have to manage to be okay with it.
I roll onto my right side and the light
dances off my face.
My room falls dark and lonely again.
I am left with just my thoughts.
This is my life.

I scratch out your name
that's written in the back of my mind,
but as I flip through the pages,
I find that you're all that's there.
Just your name,
our memories,
and my broken heart.
Because as I've found out,
I can rip out all the pages,
and burn all of what we had,
but your name will still be engraved
in the back of my mind,
stitched deep into my heart,
and hollowed into my soul.
I don't want to write about heartbreak anymore,
but every line comes back to you.

-k.w//I Can't Seem To Let You Go