While my mind is whirl wind of thoughts, images, emptiness, memories, and absence...
my body is calm and collected.
Well worded and poetic.
A rhythm of consistency and gentleness.
My body is smooth and comforting while my head spins uncontrollably.
My skin is quiet while my muscles are numb and my bones are shattering.
Ear to ear my smile glows but the blood spills through the breaks between my teeth.
This is what it is and this is how it's been.
I don't want pity, I just want days.
Deep days with quiet emotions that carve far beneath my veins.
I want a salty cry to swell in my throat and begin to crawl above.
Not to feel emotion but just to feel alive.
To be human.
To feel the air in my lungs and the tension in my fists.
To feel present and connected.
To be here and now.
I wish I could fix you.
I wish I could smooth all of your worry wrinkles.
I wish I could tell you that everything will be ok, and actually mean it.
But the secrets of your sadness are deeper than I have ever known and I can't fix it.
You are the only hope I have ever lost, the only need I always refused and the only soul i have ever rejected.
Too much of you has withered away.
When we speak, our words are only those of distance. Desperately searching for conversation.
Have I never known you because your face is not one of a mothers, but a sad and broken stranger.
I can not fix you.
But you said that i was the one that needed fixing.
So what if none of this was real.
& the only standing truth was every word you ever said.
Every letter was my contradiction.
& every day was my false fantasy.
This pit I've crafted so perfectly was nothing but curtains and cotton ball clouds.
This was only a script I've memorized a thousand times.
& behind it all was the dream you've always vowed.
But that's not it.
Because the playbill says that you were cast to fool the crowd.
Unfortunately, the fabric of your costume can not withstand your fables.
I did anything i could to see those lips move to the shape of a crescent moon.
To watch the color of your pale skin turn blush. To keep your secret safe.
I breathed every ounce of air I had into those shriveled lungs.
I did everything I could to fix you.
But I, can not fix you.
To my mother.
How politely you greet me.
Just like a gentleman.
Silently you waited, expecting my arival.
Here I am, eyes dried open.
Are you ready for my spiral?
Feeling like Dr.Suess.
If I could unravel the knots that bind these bones, my fingers would grow numb.
My wrists would crack.
My flesh would age.
& strand by strand I'm tied to be undone.
All in hopes the roots that thrived would begin to thirst again.
Gripped around each twig of mine, I race against constriction.
Pulling every which way.
Stalking every traveled end.
Unbinding every corner of this mindless, commanding restriction.
Making sense of strings without ends.
I can't breathe today.
Too many words trapped in the back of my throat.
No room for air.
The only thing these words are filling is empty rooms.
These letters take too long to leave my tongue, no one seems to wait around to see this finished product.
I felt the walls closing in.
I felt my throat swelling shut.
I felt the scream inching to the back of my mouth.
Everything stood still and quiet as my head bounced back and forward, left to right.
Stop ******* crying.
My hands are running up my sides to the only place they seem to fit perfectly. Gripping around my neck just tight enough to feel the tension.
I'll keep my eyes open so the darkness wont consume me.
Because i'm scared.
******* wake up.
The comfort of a flashback.
It's this lump in my throat that seizes to be swallowed.
The missing thoughts in my mind that keep me from reality.
There are burns on my wrist from the ropes that bind them.
My mouth is shut tight from the tape that conceals it.
It's the screaming in my head and the ringing in my ears.
The shake in my hands and the ache in my feet.
There is a burning in my muscles from the tension in my body.
My deserted frame is collapsing.
It's the filth in my bones that wont wash away.
The haunt of 2:00 am that relentlessly feeds this exhaustion.