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595 · Jun 2014
twigs
Julie Butler Jun 2014
I can't be bothered anymore
I cannot stand in the sand
and think sinking is all that
I've planned for
No more doors or floors
or man made rules
to call you tools is unruly
cause tools do more than
your mind and body
could ever be good for
i'd rather fear storms more
and ignore these ****** wars
that all of you stand for
I'd rather climb trees
and believe that grass
and bees do more
for me
than any human being
ever did with their
forearms
I am not ungrateful
but I feel more truth
in a pile of dirt
and less hurt by hornets
than humans
stores
or awkward moments
have a bear take my life
rather than disease
you take so much of everyone's life
when you cut down these trees
please believe me
i'm speaking for the leaves
and if you have lungs too
you should see what I mean
planet love
593 · Apr 2015
the day before May
Julie Butler Apr 2015
in doing, I am done
I've been slow burned by thighs
I've been followed by thumbs
you
erase me from my path
I knew something
I knew something
I just didn't know you
sudden existence
sudden power
I am not a slingshot's rock
I am her aim

all the land is grey
day after day
night after coming

you
who is you
what is this
you: like brandy
like honey
you burn going down my throat
and I need it
up and down and inside, behind
I counted your knuckles with my head pressed breathless into that pillow
you make math feel good
you made deep seek deeper

lets be dogs and you can lock yourself inside  of me next time. you can decide again when to leave.

are we leaves ?
always leaving
you the beast
and me a tree
climbed in & you fed from me
the last tooth to sink that way
& I will have to die toothless now without it

you you
again & again
like seasons
like summer
you came after I've sprung
now, what's done is did and what's left must be wrung out to quench thirst; let us not be wasteful.

instilled & in bloom
I watched you turn every rose the right color
you walk past the cherry tree and she fills your pockets
red
red
we are stained now

tell me how to have you and I'll have it

& your name
my favorite taste
reminds me of Florida in May
simplicity on heat
& always wet
593 · Jun 2015
biding
Julie Butler Jun 2015
such a creature of my bad habits
but I repeat such good in you after this

your heartbeat like the quick of a revolver
while you slept
like I was inside, spinning until
I began counting us down
and
wondering how many bullets you'd saved

I drank from
the shot glass of your palm
& you made me
come
you made coffee

we went from
south to ocean
mountain to whiskey
with hands full of
what it is we're calling this
& I have your dress
but
what kind of souvenir is worry ?

your hand in the car
I could put us both in my mouth
and still make room for you
your mood filling my lungs with
bleeding
with
ignoring tomorrow &
I ignored that with whiskey

& I am certain you don't know that it killed me
to kiss you goodbye again
588 · Mar 2016
spineless
Julie Butler Mar 2016
I've quit calling it falling
all of the
gulping that I fend

Now that I've bent all my limbs backwards
I'm having to break them all back in

buried in what I play the fool for
always the liar and then friends

dreading that I should fall asleep
knowing that this must somehow
end

always i'm
packing up my reason,
freely & giving up my time
I'm tired of
dragging this body behind me
fearing the
damage it's done on my spine
588 · Jul 2014
hike
Julie Butler Jul 2014
uprooted and tripped
I grip sticks
& lift myself
Up through the earth
I surf dirt
Tiny seconds of this
Tiny seconds of bliss
& rocks like
Steps
Steps
Steps
Built just for me
In this
Extravagant garden
This overlooked rock
A spot
I always long for
586 · Apr 2015
unsound
Julie Butler Apr 2015
a staunch shack-job
a fine devotee to this longing
my appetite

the throb that pulls
pushes through
& out

foolishly do i un doubt
& instead drowned
toe to toe
eyelids bat in front of me
dance
dance
my hands, ready for anything
585 · Mar 2015
farm
Julie Butler Mar 2015
it's the longing that does it;
being deprived nightly
& over again
of your southern inhale
that skin
when did I begin this
masochistic, bloodthirstiness
born at 26
your picture in my right hand
like my ribs had tastebuds
& I needed to give my limbs to you  

and it's the longing that does it;
garden me darling
dig with bare hands
starved fingertips
my entire body
under every one of your nails
580 · Nov 2014
make sure you're alright
Julie Butler Nov 2014
I wish to rest my head on your chest bones
I don't know what you smell like
But you felt like home
& I don't know what to tell you
I wish you hadn't been wronged
If I could say it to your face
I'd kiss your mouth for so long
Sometimes life is like a song
we never really learn the words to
I want to let you inside mine
& recite them one by one to show you
that we're just a bunch of people
thinking way too much
we don't even know each other
let me take you out to lunch
I would be lying if I tried to say
that I don't want to touch you
I'd be a liar for denying
how much it burns to
want
to
learn
you
I hope to earn this trust in time
& I know time is such a virtue
I hope with time to make you mine
& with that time i'll never hurt you
578 · Jul 2014
Julian
Julie Butler Jul 2014
I sink
Sank in July
And scrape with my hate
I scraped why
Deep into my sides
Like knives
Falling from the sky
I want them all
To land in my eye
And stab
What's left of my mind
July 5th
You're my sickness
If I had more fists
I'd punch out my own ribs
Blood the color
Of my lipstick
& beg like a liar
With no power
I fly lower
Than ever
& ever
& ever
& ever
& I'll never remember
Why
But I'll always remember
July
Regret
You get me no where
572 · Apr 2015
mercy
Julie Butler Apr 2015
woman, you horse
running courses like meals
with steel heels I can feel you
my galloping thrill
eat the grass from my body
run your tongue up my hills

it is the ride that excites me
it is your build that I fear

taking the first path to Nashville
you are no longer near
my fields need your mouth
if you're not here
I'm not either
569 · Dec 2015
stumps
Julie Butler Dec 2015
her fists fit perfect in the slow
rooms of this body
& I'd get so high standing on her knees getting saved by each
fleeting leave in her breathing

let's cross straight & never say it
undress my restless legs
& leave them guessing how far
they'll fall again for you

thighs don't have minds but
mine can't forget
your resting neck, please
spare me the muscle memory;
are we street lights or are we better ?
my feet remember how it felt
running to you
my legs, beg for less bruising
but I think that you're worth it

I won't give up the way I gave in &
I hope you see the difference;
I hope that when the taste fades
you remember what it was made of
562 · May 2016
fruit
Julie Butler May 2016
I believe that
every bone has a story
that even the sun gets tired
and
that's why it rains /
I saw you waltzing
in and out like, you'd gotten lost
you keep sayin' in
everyone else's tongue so I'd
finally forgotten what you sound like;
it's been, all chop & pour anymore so,
I gently shut all of those, doors against
locks I'd given away the keys to.
they'd find me out the window,
into wet gardens of snails and worm
a stolen bird with no nest
doesn't want a handout
just more time to
make back her bed
Julie Butler
560 · May 2014
movies
Julie Butler May 2014
If I were a spy
I'd climb behind your eyes
And try to disguise your mind into mine
I'd use my magnifying glass
To accentuate the grasp
You have on my time
If you caught me I'd lie
& politely say hi
While my mind screams
"You're mine"
& in time I'll remind you
But until then
I'll kindly
Act fine and  
I'll find moves
To use to define rules
I break just to write lines
That describe how you move me
559 · Jul 2016
lumps
Julie Butler Jul 2016
I'm speaking in
leaves and with dirt against
trying to sleep
repeating the hot hum of heartache
& stopping to breathe
I have been
inside & under
this horrible robe /
its ropes tied too close &
I'm starting to choke /
breaking-down wine & the whys to find
fumbling's curse
repetitive lure-slurring prose
in my own faulted purse
this is a
tree and then paper
a bird and now blood
& all of the bones you've swept up
love,
stick out of the rug
557 · Apr 2016
easy
Julie Butler Apr 2016
sunburnt stitches girl
you're early grasp I'm
itchy grass
& I can't, I'm mad
I can't I can and cannot stand
how it still goes
I keep quiet I
still walk barefoot on this shell-sharp sand
still crawl through the memory of your legs
back of the head regret, on top of another body
it's just coffee it's just
time after time
never the right amount of miles

I want to
stop loving you now
cause sometimes
I wish I could scream the word out loud
use your name
so they know all of these were always to you
555 · Sep 2015
nest
Julie Butler Sep 2015
I saw something
I found romance in reflection
before & after coffee
I compared the breeze to you
I felt humiliated
I've been all but
kept up
I've been all but kept by you

What have you seen in it ?

I'll swallow it after it cools down
&
small parts of me will never give up on you
555 · Oct 2014
forget i said
Julie Butler Oct 2014
today
i crawled over in my grave
safely
and that's
okay
with my way
because lately
your name tastes vague
and untasty
like a grave or rotten pastries
it's okay
i'm still gay
i still taste the
same
but i crave
a new name
like
like
lately
I'm hasty
a bit hazy
still insanely
calling your name
like my frame had a replay button
did you say somethin?
you refrain woman
you think your game is playing
you obtain nothin
but i gain something
a new brain function
a new name for it
I'd be down on the floor
but i'll sustain from it
and you'll regain a substance
one made out of gunk
a replayed nothing
I just learned from it
i learned some girls are worth
more than my brain numbeth
but that brain cometh with a new plan
like like
tonight i'll burn you down
and every memory of loving you
i'll breathe flames from it
and burn my way from it
i prayed all day
because the brave plummet and we're worth more than
relationship frumps we're higher than
down
in the dumps
i trust nothing i'm stumped
i'm still frowning
i'm dumped
you know not of this chump
goodnight now that i'm done
you'll now run from it
please run from it
i'd spell it all out
but her letters thumb crumb summits
it's a plum turned into a prune
sweet but unripe
gum
unchewed but alright
come at night and sleep
sleep like you
sleep like
sleep
with me like we
sleep
like only we sleep
555 · Dec 2015
Just.
Julie Butler Dec 2015
the truth's not poetic.
I can't fight for you
when I'm being folded

I just don't feel
strong or
not stronger
just
some memories
wear black &

what's getting over when
i've stopped climbing ?
my feelings aren't
being tucked
they're
getting up
554 · Sep 2015
my arm
Julie Butler Sep 2015
I admit to this
incompetence
existing where you hover

when skin insists
the silent fits
truth is, I fit
the incidental other

my lip or bones
shake to remind
these never-ending hours

from black to fooled
I saw in you
the grab of drowning flowers

what love is well
can never tell
the right in what I do

the finding in
this woman’s hand
what won't belong to you
545 · Jul 2015
elbow
Julie Butler Jul 2015
swallow her, swallow her
till we're both gone
and I guess
it's your choice on
and on
which bone you want clean
& I float regret for not asking

i'm letting you fold over me
and keeping still isn't allowed here
I haven't stopped spinning since you led me

I haven't stopped spinning

secrets become miracles
like a mirage or dance
like being kissed or ******
it's all rain and ruin anyway
unless it's you and then it's

not mine
& how many minutes till it's warm
till it's done

I can't beg someone to
become you or me become her because it's never that easy
no time machines
no moons or
I don't celebrate ordinary suggestions
because we are all born accidentally
like perfect
mirages or miracles
dancing in secrets
wet with secrets
but someone learns to love you

& I've tried to pretend, or something
544 · Mar 2015
math
Julie Butler Mar 2015
I've claimed and not climbed ladders
to say that I was high
but I can't blame my mind
and the sky
at the same **** time
"why" I've asked you
why;
do you exist in me this way ?
I lie here plummeting my palm
against the ache between my legs
you're far away
so far away
& far is where you'll stay
until the end of this debris
of all this
counting
d
o
w
n
the days
18
544 · Aug 2014
good mourning
Julie Butler Aug 2014
Until the front porch swing loses all it's comforts
and all the words become blocks of ice
between rocks
or an overly sized brushstroke of black
against all this green surrounding
and all I am is cold this summer
when all I ever wanted to do was hold you
I watched beauty morph into
untouchable, I watched it turn it's back on me
I feel like I can see my skin aging in your eyes
I feel ugly, withering, dry
desperate for my eyes to weigh less
I close them and stand up
drinking the last drop of my coffee
to block the swell rising too quickly in my throat
I know that i'm using these minutes incredibly untrue
I rise quickly to let you
think more about your cons on this list we've been writing
and I go
mad
I go crazy
I go without
I draw out the blow
that inevitably split us in half
and no sunset could ever fix that
543 · Jul 2015
useful
Julie Butler Jul 2015
I forfeit for this;
mobility  
my mind
served up to
its drunkness off you
bodies full on my lack of finding

sound your disregard &
relieve your knife of
what it had done to me as

I gaze at your sleep in the direction of mine & drowned in fog until I lose
until I turn blue with love
it is there I see her heart
I want to swallow your key
I
blame the weight of the hand
& I frame the finger
I blame the math and pattern

under your mattress I left my gist
thumbs and throat

you just keep switching the sheets

I bring the ocean to hold my thighs down
for every time
that every time
I say it
it is me speaking and not the situation
I forfeit for weather reports and hurt feelings
resuscitate by mouthing off
to suffocate this feeling
543 · Oct 2014
Carelessly
Julie Butler Oct 2014
I kneel
in disbelief
That something like this
Could happen to me
And I grieve
Cause the **** exists
I have something to tell you
Wipe the spit off my lisp
My grip slowly slipping
I can't sit still
In this pit
While I'm
creating earthquakes
Kicking a split in my ship
Slowly sink while I sit
I forget I can swim

I sink low
I combust
I hit a rock
They call "bottom"
And all of my hope in that world
Has now been forgotten
539 · Sep 2014
goodnight
Julie Butler Sep 2014
good night* is just a little phrase
we say before we sleep
to stop our heads from thinking much
it allows me now to dream
& oh the word is only heard
in bed before your snoring
it's my favorite phrase
because i know
it's followed by
*good morning
538 · May 2014
cartoons
Julie Butler May 2014
Simple
gentle
smile
so much of you
drives me wild
pride
i'm proud to shout
shout i'm devout
****
i'm being loud
and letting you out
like a cloud
in my sky
and always on my mind
i never pried
but tonight
i'd fight to make you mine
golden shrine
you're a diamond
rocks frighten me
but tonight, you enlighten my senses
defenseless to your groove
i'm moved by your moves
and the moon swoons
over how soon your bloom platoons
the whole room into fumes of you
& these spoons dig grooves
that prove
i should
be good at you
535 · Jul 2016
dogs
Julie Butler Jul 2016
I wake up to the long whisper of morning
the beet-red smell of throbbing,
stops the birds from singing
stops her from spinning, now
cross-legged I,
I wear another small-dress
representing our pressed thighs,
reminding me
of October again, but it's
Thursday &
darling I cannot go back there today.
I need coffee; more pros and another blanket to
wake my pride.
I need to **** out the Orchid
lounging on my tongue after I've
watered your name
529 · May 2015
crane
Julie Butler May 2015
I feel you in my face
when my teeth meet
my cheeks greet the
slight wink in my squint
my light [she]
t h e s e
nights without you
dimmed and
I squint again
to read the letters on this
film you've written
on the bridge of my limbs
with that pen you quill
finger-built
emptiness
my brim you filled
going dry
bones and head
head and neck
direct me under
refining wetness
derived from time
& time into knuckles

unbuckle me yet
I needn't bets, broken breaths
no more in-debt with regret

forgive me
527 · May 2014
Taken away
Julie Butler May 2014
I could fly kites
In the wind
You ******* away with
I could surf the waves
In the bay
You drift me away in
& I could stand still
In the thrill
You fill up so quickly
Or hold tight
To the chest
That takes my breath away
Swiftly
527 · Aug 2015
beg
Julie Butler Aug 2015
beg
gifted
she quick-sipped
the drip off the bottle;
lulling the smudge
& spoke cheers as a motto

forgetting will get there
upon every swallow;
the drenching through holes
in a heart falling hollow

won’t we still dance
when the lemon needs tuning ?

I liked in her, choosing
what no one was doing

she sings to me, pleased
cause I’m still here to listen
to songs about bones
& their thoughtless intentions

I swam in her hands
to find land in a kitchen;
*& saw when she spoke,
how I need to be living
521 · Jun 2015
&I learn
Julie Butler Jun 2015
Had I used half the wit I get from my mother, I wouldn't have crowned you with every ounce of my mouth or crawled, calling you the Queen in the kingdom under my covers
521 · Jun 2015
motel
Julie Butler Jun 2015
I'm doomed if I do
god dammed if I don't

cheers to the demons clinking my cup;
still ******* the one's who won't

don't plunge me

grown sick of the ocean

if mouths told the truth,
I would not live in this dungeon

okay, you plunged me, big deal

somehow you expect me to chew on those lips & somehow sit still ?

get real
you get real

cause I'm as real as it gets
I've got patience for days  
**but I am non-vacant for regret
still
520 · May 2014
Levi
Julie Butler May 2014
My lady cried
she holds a baby inside
I couldn't believe
in what she was feeling

denied the keep
her heart was screaming at me
oh what a night
and I couldn't be there

changing her mind
my heart it breaks every time
to hear her say
she wants me to be there

that this boy is mine
I've been crowned so many times
and in her eyes
I see our lives
fly by

& when he's born
I will wish I was home
so far away
from all that i'm known for
now
520 · Jun 2015
before
Julie Butler Jun 2015
let's hear this wind now
you from right there &
me from under you

where did all of this blue come from ?
& I can't stop standing around
maybe if I
jumped
I'd land on my hands
backward or behind you

time doesn't exist in a bedroom - & who's strange idea to keep track? I'm breathing down seconds that taste like the rim of your shoulders & my mind can't make up reasons why it can taste you; this sort of news to my mouth will run me over

and over

& i'm drinking out of the bottle
i'm swallowing what reminds me of the time you stood between me and a sink.
the only thing between our tongues were teeth & I am tired of screaming at these evenings to have you back here


I wish I could take a picture of the sound I've just heard, lying on a park bench to capture an evening for you.
an idea that I could be anything because I believed in that.
I'm beginning to think anything & belief don't go together.

believing in anything when I met you
& now i'm back in square one, without

*focusing on my breathing
518 · Dec 2015
gold
Julie Butler Dec 2015
silver linings don't exist honey;
those are your veins
/Julie Butler
510 · May 2014
species
Julie Butler May 2014
I feel unleashed
like an animal
ready to sink my teeth
instinctively tearing your meat
& my eyes
focused only on the prize
exposed  b o n e s
and my nose runs with your blood
drowning my decency
cause
s e c r e t l y
the  frequency of your scream
clearly releases me
this sequence of release
greedily pleases me
i'm licking you clean
thinking how
eating never came so easily
510 · Apr 2016
julie
Julie Butler Apr 2016
the heart knows what about love ?
that bleeding fiend, knows more about drums
ask my thumbs, ask my lungs

I'm holding a hand or
the back-end of the blade
& waiting, waning
away from away

We aren't made of sunsets
or cartwheel hangovers
I didn't find you standing under an apple tree & you never held me the longest
even when I prayed for it

a leftover beginning, midnight snack;
lie down under a beautiful stranger like you love her, like the air between the sweat & sheet meet my intention of a mouth doing everything at once isn't love but
somehow it's better
509 · May 2014
Janine
Julie Butler May 2014
my first love letter
my first gin and tonic
you planted passion in me
you were older
and I was under
& you didn't live in Texas
and I wonder sometimes
about you
and if when I was
16 that any of my
w i s h e s
for you would ever come true
and they didn't
but I always got you
you were always mine
you are my never-ending story
and I will forever
g l o r i f y you in my mind
because everything I know
about anything that I show up with
was influenced by you
you taught me how to write
you are a painting on the walls of
my chest
in lipstick
i always wanted to smear your lipstick
and fall asleep tangled in your legs
and I never knew what any of that meant
and when I did, I associated it with you
I think I still do
I am older now and I can sift through that
quickly and speak to you better
& now this chest is so comfortable where I keep you
even though I never grew out of wanting to
I guess I'll never stop loving you
and I'm grateful for that
because I've loved you for 11 years
and this love has taught me more than
anyone who i've wasted my senses on
509 · Jan 2015
back to sleep
Julie Butler Jan 2015
blacked out
i've blacked out
these images of need
confusing wants with
something i'm not even sure I can believe
but these wants feel more like needs
& I cannot see passed them
if it is something i can't see
than show me how I can have them
deceived
it is deceiving
believing in your dreams
when you wake up
and nothing is as quite as it once seemed
and here i am
so far away
from things that I was seeing
dreading time and space
and everything
keeping me from sleeping
take me back now
take me back
to these movies of you
cause it's the only place
I get your face
& it's become my favorite view
501 · Sep 2014
Optimist
Julie Butler Sep 2014
My ability to expect
Is exceptionally disconnected
My head especially rejected
all the bad news I've been left with
Won't the sadness suddenly settle?
With all the battles noosed and beheaded
I'd be headed back to the moon
But even the bats know I'm embedded
I misread whatever was said and now it's our backs stabbed and regretted
Thinking:
if you had my back
it wouldn't have been that bad to begin with
Let's begin with some forgiveness
If you would sit down and actually listen
and when I'm finished you can pretend that in the end everything's different
501 · Dec 2014
inter-
Julie Butler Dec 2014
surround me with your light darling
mine is going out
it's these nights
this air-fill that I desperately search for
killing my time with someone else's
I inhale my evenings
I flood and burn every feeling
i'm not trying to drown myself
but I do, all the time
these bottles sink
these cigarettes stink
i'm trying to float to you
but I can't swim in the dark
and at some point
my eyes turn everyone into you
and I turn into someone else
501 · May 2015
speeches
Julie Butler May 2015
I just want
coffee
and a quiet
place to sit
this ain't a song about
love
it is a list about
lips
I'm not here to sip or kiss from
just sat down to listen
the art of un-touching becomes;
that self-worth preserves wisdom

there's a windowpane's screen
covered with tiny flocks of moths
without concern of any sort
I watched you knock them all off


you watched me
untuck all my pockets
ready, you let me
*give this all up
take
497 · Aug 2015
&
Julie Butler Aug 2015
&
don't be sorry; be careful
495 · Jan 2015
contains sulfites
Julie Butler Jan 2015
It's cold outside
but I refuse to go in
the moonlight gets me high
and the wind coats my skin
with a presence
a present
i'm presently in
i'd like to forget you sometimes
but the stars
outline your bends  
and I defend my every whim
with uncertainty i'm sure
I don't know what you think about
with spells I burn your thoughts of her
I stay unsure
I am not yours
sometimes I sleep through dreams I was
some nights I fight a tired mind
& wake up screaming, just because
I do not know
I will not know
until you open up your mouth
until we're standing chest to chest
like this I'm doomed to leave the south
1:18am
493 · Nov 2014
a thing
Julie Butler Nov 2014
Are you a weapon
Or a rose
I can hardly tell
If only I could hold it in my fist
Or contemplate the smell
This is hell
This is hell
I'm certain I have fallen
I try to learn all of my lessons
& suddenly forget how I was taught them  
My chest
This chest
Please give it a rest now
Here i choke on your petals
And slowly digest how
My mouth saved the flavor
Of every thorn
You should come with a warning
"beware of her sword"
I've been warned
This is war
On all of my breaths
I'm a wreck for every freckle
That lives on your chest
But you're a threat
You're a threat now
& I'm just left to guess
Where the next arrows stabs
And I'm not left with much flesh
I digress
I digress
E v e r y message
Through all of the silence
I loudly suppress all my questions
With the heaviest of sighs
& at night when I'm sleeping
You creep deep behind my eyes
& when I wake up
I'm shaken
I'm still learning how to take this
I built this image of you out of shapes
& I take them
I shoot them
Straight to the sky
Sweet Queen of this torture
Sweet Queen of my time
493 · May 2015
Language
Julie Butler May 2015
in love most with you
in the morning
the smell of alive, heat in your hair
divine in this divine & cannot be forgotten
while this white light blinds lines finding lies in our steps toward each other, wondering
am I moving close or forward
I cannot tell
and this whole time, they were my eyes
and here, and you
a dry spell of quiet
your breathing
aware of everything and something
I see her face in my sleep in her bed
I am the body
she is the thing
sweat and closeness
closeness and sleep
something to have before coffee
closed mouth somehow
consuming all of this

it is a different sort
you my love and me
a girl
and I don't get to keep that
or holidays, oh lord
drowning in pages of worth
coming from, ink-less pens
slicing, *******, slicing white sheets
handing you a different line of wounds
right before the blood dries
before my cells give up
tomorrow, don't take this from me

today was over before yesterday
my shoes are bigger than your feet but if you put them on you might see how I run to you

love as a box
bound to age me faster than any unwatered rose.
from red to brown, and brown to forgotten on this calendar made of you & your making time for it
hanging upside, hanging on
having me count down seconds like an acrobat
catch me
but your arms are full
I say carry more
you say I love you
in their bed
I say sunrises are beautiful and yet fire destroys just as faith does in things that were never mine
I'm borrowing your hands for a week
trying to
stop
torturing myself
but you
the whip
me the body
you the lips
me the body
you the grip
me the blood
the colors you dipped in to rouse
I'm going, dying everyday
and she is coming home

I broke the moment I pulled the trigger
wanting a hole
I broke when my tongue found your tumors and your teeth found my love for you buried under blankets that needed to be changed

I haven't forgotten my name
every time you say it
it is only said, and I wonder if you meant to
swallow me like otherwise

that I might die and come back your favorite
spot on the couch

having to give it up to maybe
having the right to choose.
I am choosing not to

because my name is Elizabeth
I am she
& not her
the vase is her
I am the flowers
picked and replaced
you will refill her

you are the water
you are the lion & the horse

& I'm losing my hope in
forgetting your ribs in the kitchen
492 · Jul 2014
Wallow
Julie Butler Jul 2014
I stood crooked
& overlooked the good
I looked stupid
She never understood
Unwind ruthless
Instead of what you should
I'm now roofless
& drowning in a flood
My blood; truth less
Draining every vein
I feel useless
With no rights to explain
How I'd do this
A brain slain with shame
Like I'm clueless
With only me to blame
Like I knew bliss
But flushed it down the drain
I'll get through this
When you forget my name
& the truth is
This pain will stay the same
Cause you'll never be proud again
And I'll forever be ashamed
Oh shame
492 · Jul 2015
missed a spot :
Julie Butler Jul 2015
I think somewhere in this, I'm going to figure out, you know .. how it's done & through all the many ways it takes. lessons become teachers because people forget how to treat truth.
but everything is community in my mind. nothing happens without something else; I never understood the need to fight that. i digest in my head but what would I do without my right hand ? it's me and every other part of my body. I'm never alone. lonely is a lie we tell ourselves. there are always birds. always books. I meet a lot of people when I read & I never explain a thing. this reminds me of my love for dogs. to provide without need. a beautiful, beautiful thing. but words get abused like substance & when something is felt, we get confused, trying to explain it, trying to feed it. instead of just feeling it.
feel before you deal
491 · Feb 2015
look up
Julie Butler Feb 2015
how dare I
compare you to the birds
the stars
the beach or even trees
& shame on me for blinking
when you are all I see
489 · Aug 2014
Hurts
Julie Butler Aug 2014
Love & loss
these women
Are like knives
That slice through your throat
Over and over again
Tearing skin
Losing breath, voiceless
And leaves you wet on the floor
unsure of things you'd instilled in yourself
Way before
Unsure of who you fell in love with
Empty and caving in
balled up like another mistake
& watching you replace it
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