aesthetics are pathetic
what's in our minds
deserves the credit

you've got a face like a diamond
I'll cut to the chase
like somebody designed it
for a woman that's so hard to find
let me find you & sleep behind it
you're a dime boo
it's blinding
and if he says he don't want you, he's a blind fool
cause you're mind food
you're a crowned jewel
they gotta **** with me to get ta you
you're better than fried food and good news
you better than Cher songs and new shoes
and I wrote this just for you
cause I heard 3 seconds of a wayne song and lost my cool
cause you're the coolest
and if i was part of a news cast i'd weather your blues
& I ain't even gay for you
I just think you're a ruler and wanna break rules with you
I wanna watch people skate like there's nothing better to do
and when the day is ******* done
i'll be like
dude, you rule
you rule
you rule
you rule
you rule

Tiny blocks of sky-bits
Got locked behind my eyelids
I'm blinded
I'm trippin
I watch you live
I give in
But hell - I don't listen
I'm ****** cause of this
I'm not dumb
I've been dumber
Cause you got other loves
Our loves lost like -
Time for slumber
Making moving forward
Feel more like going under
This is the story of my
Life
during this god awful summer
I'm struck
& you
You're like thunder to me
So loud
It's astounding
& you remain unseen

The reality of this is clear -
If I've got nothing to lose
Nothing to choose from
I got nothing to fear
I just want to believe again
& you knock like it's easy
To turn this ****
& let you back in
But you run
Deeper than blood
In this skin
I'm pushing you out through a vein
& we can't even be friends
We can't even be NOTHING
a race that ended weeks ago
& I'm still out here running
It isn't fun anymore
I ought to be done with with it
I wanna slow burn you off of my tongue
With some *** and sit
Quiet
No drums
No lines to spit
It's time to do me
Like where I come from
The sun is lit
And I'll just follow the sky
Like a crow
With tunnel vision

Golden eyes
you disguised pain so beautifully
you hid my love notes in your shoes
you thought you loved the girl I used to be
I thought I knew what love was made of
pressed against your car
you smelled just like the ocean
I felt kept inside your arms
I had no knowledge of commitment
I was only seventeen
wanting a body made of heaven
born decades before me
we smoked cigarettes and danced
for hours in the rain
you were as gentle as the wind
I didn't mean to cause you pain
confusion is a cloud that visits
every n o w and t h e n
when I think of nights spent on the phone
and days worshiping your skin
whether or not you think of me
is fine and either way
you were a message wrote in cursive
that I r e p e a t everyday

tell her
tell them you love them
tell them dramatically so they hear you
say it everyday
remind him
tell him
tell her
make it a big deal
it is a big deal
love is everyday
be grateful for days
for love
for your mother and siblings
for your father and his heart
you only have now
it comes and goes by the second
grab all of those seconds
and be gentle

the poetry wasn't about her
it was the birds I;
I found it under her bones
cause
we aren't the same while we sleep
we're
so far away &

lately
4:00AM isn't what time it is
it's
me choking
and when we
talk about the weather it's not
conversation it's
burning and
blood just doesn't run the same
once it's been touched

I think I lost you today
somewhere between
good morning
and having nothing to say
when you know it
cause it feels different
like I should have been more self-aware
and you suddenly appear distant
not like you pushed me
you just told me to stay
so i'm sitting here lost
wishing my flesh away
so I don't have to feel you
or even dream it up
I think I heard what you said girl
but those words ain't enough
cause my chest is inhaling
all the air off this shift
& this change in our atmosphere
has denied what I wished
should I forget it ?
forget it
i see signs in your dip
and now alone is how I leave you
and that's just suddenly it

Let me replace the filth
with something more beautiful
(when i did it was peaceful)
I'd like to erase the guilt
but i can't
cause it's useful
and you
you're not truthful
at all
you're removable
and that's all that I need
to prove that I can move through it all
and thank god I learned fast
that you're not who I thought you were
cause there's better than you
everywhere that I've fallen
& even when I stand up
& dust off
I laugh at the silly stuff
when your words mean nothing
and everything turns back on
when I shut you off
& you were my rock
that I just threw down a mountain

I squirm
to form words
I know you've already heard them
I want to say something new
learn a different slogan
I'll write a different poem
every single night
explaining the importance of time
& your sides next to mine
it's a line
these are lines
but none of them are lying
I'd like to pick through your mind
and climb the
flights
        of
           your
                   spine
bite your smile
find your binds
and slowly untie them
redefine what's sublime
leave behind all the silence
what's inside this
no one knows
I think I know where this is going
If I could convince you late at night
to just be mine
& keep you moaning
keep on crowing
keep on throwing
your name to the moon
i want to wrap you in my blankets
and keep you in my room
I know it's soon
it's all too soon
but i'm making room for it
I've got a lot on my mind
and you're the lot i'm exploring
but I'm not pouring this up
I hope you've got it by now
while I tackle your why's
watch me worship your how's

I'm feeling nostalgic
about a woman in my sleep

did she call yet ?

I think I'll feel it when she speaks

that i'm f a l l i n g
but I don't come with wings . . .

so it's a l m o s t

time to quit this dream
where you're taller
you're looking right at me
I feel small
and
you weakening my knees
it's called log z's
it's like being asleep;
but I don't want you in my dreams no more
I want you where I breathe

it's like fall
how
the colors hit the trees
and how the wind keeps blowing
disbelief
underneath my feet

& how you think you make me laugh
when you really torture me

am I crazy
for wanting what I see ?

if this is crazy
well then
I don't really know what to believe

it is
February already
& the rain keeps confusing me on
what day of the week it is.
he says over coffee, how the
storms are keeping him up /
making me grateful for Florida summers.
i made mine too strong & am having another, reminds me how you'd laugh & dispute either
ever being a problem.
i am convinced i'm
happiest with my heart beating like this anyway
and on my way back downstairs
i look down passed my knees & think
if feet shook like hands i'd
probably take up flying

How do I
close my eyes & not see you
believe that you're real
when my hands
they can't feel you
in disarray I'm stranded
and land just can't be land
if i can't plant in it or stand it

what does her hair smell like
darling
I'm dying to know
yes I can tell you that she's pretty
but it burns inside my bones
& you can hear my ****** silence
pouring from my nose
that I can taste your empty pressing
tearing at my clothes
every inch of all my skin
is stretched over the phone
I don't know how far I can take this
but I know how far it goes
& I might try to show you patience
until my chest is left exposed
my tongue it sifts through all this
sound
until my mouth is all you know

I just needed to hear something
soft like
yellow from the lamp or
my love because
I can't stand the haunting hum of waiting
the anxious, ancient hour under my bone
half bent, ticking
picking my flaws like a hurt bird;
it is my time i give away
& unlike my heart
sadly stuck with me
i cannot keep, cannot get
these minutes back

it's early; 7:17
first things first
I push open the window
the morning soaks my sweater
my skin quickly drenches in its chill
I think of you
the flowers are blooming and resting on the window screen
alongside a large mosquito
I ignore her & she ignores me
I make coffee
inhaling a breeze created for me
it is easy clinging to these things
a lot like leaves do their trees
& much like them
I fall slow
but it's spring now & the birds are sipping and singing
that Raven with her suddenly, loud solo
against a white canvas
painting the only image that exists during these
isolated seconds
& I thought of you
it sounds sweet sometimes
it even tastes as such
but much easier is it, t y p e d  o u t
*t h a n  d o n e

nowadays
wondering is starting to feel more like fear
& if I can't be near you
then I don't want to feel it
it's driving me crazy
and I can't find my brakes
I spend too much time
wasted
my thoughts get blotched in outer space
& just in case you ever wonder
how I feel about your face
i fear i feel a bit too much
and praise the day I get to face it
& anyway
I'd never say it
I can't say anything I want
cause I don't even think you want it
and my want's just aren't enough

oh limp morning, take me early  
I taste June like burning
sometimes soft like cinnamon
filling up for hollow afternoons.
French-kissing myself and
all my, finely laced thoughts about you
all of that heat spread in pots
I call a garden & slowly I let you
spread me thin again

I've felt fire honey
& i've known what it feels like to get burnt
then I took one look at you
and decided I was right
this must be what sunlight tastes like
it must burn

Are you a weapon
Or a rose
I can hardly tell
If only I could hold it in my fist
Or contemplate the smell
This is hell
This is hell
I'm certain I have fallen
I try to learn all of my lessons
& suddenly forget how I was taught them  
My chest
This chest
Please give it a rest now
Here i choke on your petals
And slowly digest how
My mouth saved the flavor
Of every thorn
You should come with a warning
"beware of her sword"
I've been warned
This is war
On all of my breaths
I'm a wreck for every freckle
That lives on your chest
But you're a threat
You're a threat now
& I'm just left to guess
Where the next arrows stabs
And I'm not left with much flesh
I digress
I digress
E v e r y message
Through all of the silence
I loudly suppress all my questions
With the heaviest of sighs
& at night when I'm sleeping
You creep deep behind my eyes
& when I wake up
I'm shaken
I'm still learning how to take this
I built this image of you out of shapes
& I take them
I shoot them
Straight to the sky
Sweet Queen of this torture
Sweet Queen of my time

this cracking open
ripped sail
widespread fingertips, broken nails
inside an effort is intention
inside intention is a story, experience
& all these lessons I've learned
are getting used up forcefully
is this the way it's supposed to be?
cause it feels strange
when do Ravens sleep
& what does that feel like?
where did I go?
I think I know something.
wild nights, bending and stretching
bending & bleeding
I'm tired of feeding on this word

eating syllables
I am not hungry for

constantly
unconsciously
incessant counting consonants
four letter words
for poor pleasured girls

honestly

we're all crawling sideways
a billion different sidewalks
searching for what -
leftover organs, trace-lines
another time, some other life
another night

keeping quiet

blacked out
i've blacked out
these images of need
confusing wants with
something i'm not even sure I can believe
but these wants feel more like needs
& I cannot see passed them
if it is something i can't see
than show me how I can have them
deceived
it is deceiving
believing in your dreams
when you wake up
and nothing is as quite as it once seemed
and here i am
so far away
from things that I was seeing
dreading time and space
and everything
keeping me from sleeping
take me back now
take me back
to these movies of you
cause it's the only place
I get your face
& it's become my favorite view

what's life
but
p i l e s  of
memory-adding-distraction;
distracting how to
react
when all of these
memories try & attack them ||
now
we are
forgetting forgetting
is easy
like
adding and
halving up
decimal fractions

The sea has shown me
Many things
Like how to float
How not to sink
To be aware of danger's tales
To live amongst the sharks
The whales
The sea she cures my sores
With salt
Waves that shave my
Every thought
The wind she sends
A scent that melts
Everything I thought I felt
In the sand a name was carved
The waves they came
& Dissolved it off
Nothing left of me and you
I watch the sun pass by the moon
And slide my body through the sand
And swim unseen
Till I see land

Hating the time difference as usual
Usually just
Un using things
Not really thinking about importance and
Disproving what's changed
It's strange
It's deranged
Intangible
or is
Nothing the same
still I'm grateful
Anything with your name is
Delicious it's
Served at my table
It burns holes in my grace like
We're so unattainable
But I'm so
righteously grateful
for every single word being tasted
like maple
Like syrup
I wanna pour you up
and out
sweet substance
Cut you up with my fork
you disturb meals like
you've been in my mouth
With
Forgets and what torments
everything from lint to fabric
I might wear you but
you, you're still absent
and I'm inadequate
I'm chasing dreams of your necklines
I'd like to relate the responsibility of trying to describe your face
But that's impossible
You're so gorgeous it's like forcing everyone to burn holes inside of trouble
It's like trying to relate these things publicly
try and explain what's important
When all i want is to try to say you're important to me

But you won't hear it
You're too young so you
Do what you want and I
Just lay down
Bite my tongue & I
Retry to say words that might strike you
Instead
Pretend my mouth might
Bite into your neck
That you might let me
Kiss all of the skin
stretching from your head to your knee caps
Make you relapse from my lap
to your shoulders
We are holy
I am yours, girl
You no longer need that discloser
& if you'd decide to be mine
I'll have you wake up adored
and I'll hold every single word.
and no matter what goes on in this world
I just want to rock yours  
and anyway
hey;
We might be worlds away
but i'm not use to being stopped

let's hear this wind now
you from right there &
me from under you

where did all of this blue come from ?
& I can't stop standing around
maybe if I
jumped
I'd land on my hands
backward or behind you

time doesn't exist in a bedroom - & who's strange idea to keep track? I'm breathing down seconds that taste like the rim of your shoulders & my mind can't make up reasons why it can taste you; this sort of news to my mouth will run me over

and over

& i'm drinking out of the bottle
i'm swallowing what reminds me of the time you stood between me and a sink.
the only thing between our tongues were teeth & I am tired of screaming at these evenings to have you back here

I wish I could take a picture of the sound I've just heard, lying on a park bench to capture an evening for you.
an idea that I could be anything because I believed in that.
I'm beginning to think anything & belief don't go together.

believing in anything when I met you
& now i'm back in square one, without

*focusing on my breathing

I have a love
I've grown to know
this love it is the best
it kisses all my fingers
it lays atop my chest
I have a love
that's sensitive
this love
swallows the rest
because this love
is not obsessed
it  leaves me un-repressed
I have a love
I'll say again
this love is like a pen
it writes to me
incessantly
& so
I
let
it
in

A leftover prayer
under your knuckles
under blinking
that day it rained a little
you squeeze me below &
I spent the entire night in love
with you
I wouldn't call it daring
after the foam builds,
little skeletons drifting out to
spell your name & I
asked for coffee
to keep safe my lips
to

shut me up

such a creature of my bad habits
but I repeat such good in you after this

your heartbeat like the quick of a revolver
while you slept
like I was inside, spinning until
I began counting us down
and
wondering how many bullets you'd saved

I drank from
the shot glass of your palm
& you made me
come
you made coffee

we went from
south to ocean
mountain to whiskey
with hands full of
what it is we're calling this
& I have your dress
but
what kind of souvenir is worry ?

your hand in the car
I could put us both in my mouth
and still make room for you
your mood filling my lungs with
bleeding
with
ignoring tomorrow &
I ignored that with whiskey

& I am certain you don't know that it killed me
to kiss you goodbye again

to replant or relearn
like they're the same thing
that to swallow a seed
is like eating the tree

water feeds worry
& words tell me
n o t h i n g

but you told me that you loved me
& it is all I can believe

tonight i'm finding poems
in every place you stood
& I am digging deep in gardens
busting knuckles over wood

the grace to understand, my love
is doing me no good
it is the way you burn inside of me
I wish you understood

I guess I know just what you're thinking
But you know not of what I do
When I'm sitting in my room
Daydreaming only about you
I guess you feel a little foolish
I guess I acted like a fool
I wish you knew how I was feeling
I wish you knew it's all for you

& as those dead petals
settled on my windowsill
I stood still
unmoved I knew
the inevitable to be true
to lose
was the only thing left to do
with *you

here I
lie on my back
this ceiling (white)
is my sky tonight
alone
my legs whisper
what I do not need to hear
from my toes to to my thighs
i try
to peel you away
from staying too late
inside of my brain
cause I need sleep honey
I need a lot of things
mostly string
so i can tie my bells to you
that way i'll know when you're close
because lately
you show up out of no where
&oh; how you l i n g e r
you'd think
somehow
I'd had you before
the way that I want you right now
but that doesn't matter
i'm just a scatter at night time
I'm wasting time on paper
and usually I can figure out what to do
but not like this
cause she has what I want
what I silently love
my useless truth
darling
i'm blue
because I have your attention
but she;
she has you

great love to me is frightening
it's all ache and burn
the
rearranging of breath & bones
justifying anything at all to see that
smile in front of me
I can't
rightfully explain it the way my knees can
or my
right hand but
I like to call it floating
I like to feel that &
sink at the same time \
it's confusing and beautiful;
hours become petals,
heartbeats are worthy and
it is cold settling after this.
it is unbreathable
when the warmth gets wasted

Stand up for what?
To collapse back down
my ankles turn to water
whenever you're around
I can't stand up
when i don't know what i stand for
like my brain is in the clouds
but my heart is on the **** floor
or a platform
my face is in a sandstorm
and i can't form words
with my lips between your teeth
our bodies now declare war
and my throat begets a siren
that your backbones can't ignore
your shoulders hold me down
while i beg for
just
a
little
bit
more

I don't believe that I was forward
but you pointed straight ahead
and I didn't insinuate our ***
but you gave me head in my bedroom
your legs, those legs
should not leave my blankets
your hair smelled like fall does
& your chest made me anxious
you laid there like a goddess
I should have hand fed you grapes
you stole my night and my morning
I should have asked you to stay
but it's okay
now it's daytime and i'm keeping myself busy
you left your smell on my fingers
& it's making me dizzy
I smiled as you left
& when you walked out the door
I saw your car leave the yard
& your ******* on my floor

Oh I'd love to know more
I love knowing better
I change my view
& changed the weather
forget about poison honey
I float like a feather
& leaves
now we leave
this get-together
i never felt pressure
it only felt better
we sat & I pressed our hands together
New England
sweet wind and heavily wined
you changed my mind
I change my mind
as I fly blind
b a c k
to a different time
a different line from a hymn I've been humming
a different track than the one I've been running
my home, please know i am coming
I wouldn't; but love
I have this need
to show you something

hold me down to the
stage;
today
I cannot make pretty songs of us
like
how much I weigh
I'm one hundred and thirty three pounds
in love with you
I'm
twenty eight years too old and
twenty eight years away from your legs
I'm
blonde
I'm
a lady
a waiting woman
making food,
away from your mouth
I'm making
mistake after distaste for
this pattern this
extra pace for shapes that
never fit us so
when I get dressed and when I
detest it I'm
trying something new I'm
having
nothing to do with you

You're on my mouth
[it's nothing new]
Meal
I chew through
thoughts of you
& before I've swallowed
I'm ready for the next bite

deciphering
the lies between
the lines that we've made up;
how love is blind
gets left behind
I've given my eyes up

to look at you
will never do
the sight it
plights my mind

I've forgotten why I love you
but the feeling stays alive

returning to the bathtub
or the
pillow painted black
to drink the jars of whiskey
till my reasons all come back

I want the silence
I want to tell it yes
and to keep it
am I so evil?
I don't deserve to
claim my own time
I've been around clocks without you
I've fallen without you
I've done it all
and I am still here
and you are still here
but neither of us know where that is
anymore
and we played a silly game
for far too long now
and no one won anything anyway

I dream to see daylight on top of you
& me on top of that
I like to imagine you in nothing
on your back, lying down flat
& somedays
I want your waist
to know exactly what you taste like
I'd be quiet
I'll lay sideways
with your leg between my thighs and
I have climbed miles of vines
I grew myself with my bad timing
of staying up too late
at night
drinking wine to fuel some writing
about a girl a world away
starting fires burn inside me
she knows not
one drop of
the
information that I'm hiding
I'll admit
I keep my volume & my thoughts about her
silent
but even her nothing
is exciting
it's just my chest begs for your
head and in my bed I'm left
deprived

You want me to believe
I'm the only one you see
But I am not naive
You see things I cannot think of
I bet she sees all the things
You rep everything but me, love

I'm straddling the fence
but at least i have some choices
see
if i fall on either side
i'll still be making noise
wondering
which side might destroy me
this side has some grass
i think i'll start exploring
I start losing my grasp
I think I've started thinking
a little bit too much
I hop over the left side
and land face first in mud

my dear
please
tell me what you'd do
if you were me
&
I were you ?
now
take your head out of the
ground &
put both feet inside my shoes;
it is defeat and even ruin
this thing most often,
you've been doing
to the organs that I need
still you're my
favorite bleeding being;
yet you'd never take the time
to understand
some of my why's
& all the reasons I can't find
reiterate inside my mind
that your heart's no longer mine
and in the morning maybe I
can find that somehow
I'll be fine

& I hope
that
somehow starts tonight

loosely
I allow myself to think of you
as not to become foolish
and truthfully
it's all I end up doing;
I play the fool in the schoolyard of your voice
I learned to listen without ever making noise
I fight and fetch *all of your sounds
& I can't stop your pour of longing
in & all over my mouth

I kneel
in disbelief
That something like this
Could happen to me
And I grieve
Cause the **** exists
I have something to tell you
Wipe the spit off my lisp
My grip slowly slipping
I can't sit still
In this pit
While I'm
creating earthquakes
Kicking a split in my ship
Slowly sink while I sit
I forget I can swim

I sink low
I combust
I hit a rock
They call "bottom"
And all of my hope in that world
Has now been forgotten

Simple
gentle
smile
so much of you
drives me wild
pride
i'm proud to shout
shout i'm devout
****
i'm being loud
and letting you out
like a cloud
in my sky
and always on my mind
i never pried
but tonight
i'd fight to make you mine
golden shrine
you're a diamond
rocks frighten me
but tonight, you enlighten my senses
defenseless to your groove
i'm moved by your moves
and the moon swoons
over how soon your bloom platoons
the whole room into fumes of you
& these spoons dig grooves
that prove
i should
be good at you