sand-burnt chins
kissing sideways

i'm not suppose to

try not to die kindly
and I know it

my tongue's out

table of cups
gulp forward
nine of cups
destroyed

counting sips
backwards
becoming unwanted dessert
feeding off
learning you're no good for me

breakfast of champions
eggs saved for
someone different

not mine but
i spend batteries
clocking

wishing i'd inked the key
and you
meant more to me than knuckles
wish you
knew that
wish you knew what our love
*is

I'm finished in this spitting divinity down thankless throats

suspending what love you chose to dose for me, hung over my hope

I'm feeding off trees in this jungle of uniform stillness; darling say something.

be not in-cautious with me
please
it is my plea
I cannot stop this loving you
but I can break myself free

it is at night that it bites me
memories like fleas
the battle against drinking my way under sheets to find peace

I waste myself on the outflank of love
I as in I to me
I cannot torture us anymore
I need to be loved without the bleed

deciphering
the lies between
the lines that we've made up;
how love is blind
gets left behind
I've given my eyes up

to look at you
will never do
the sight it
plights my mind

I've forgotten why I love you
but the feeling stays alive

returning to the bathtub
or the
pillow painted black
to drink the jars of whiskey
till my reasons all come back

I don't want now
to
forget you
but I need
a silent night;
& I am
frightened by the poetry
you've blinked into my mind
& now it's been that i can't
want you
how it
tortures
both my thighs
I have to
pretend I don't love you
& none of it feels right
I'd like to
untie & u n d o
all of the knots that tie me down
to knuckles that you've used
to smooth all of it out
but all your
smearing won't remove
it only
spread it all around
& while you sleep so
far away
I've had to learn to breathe
face-down

I found
Your heart
B e a t i n g
Under your t-shirt
So
Finders k e e p e r s
You keep me your secret
When I'm not kept easy
& it burns

I'm feeling nostalgic
about a woman in my sleep

did she call yet ?

I think I'll feel it when she speaks

that i'm f a l l i n g
but I don't come with wings . . .

so it's a l m o s t

time to quit this dream
where you're taller
you're looking right at me
I feel small
and
you weakening my knees
it's called log z's
it's like being asleep;
but I don't want you in my dreams no more
I want you where I breathe

it's like fall
how
the colors hit the trees
and how the wind keeps blowing
disbelief
underneath my feet

& how you think you make me laugh
when you really torture me

am I crazy
for wanting what I see ?

if this is crazy
well then
I don't really know what to believe

This heavy mind of mine frightens me
If I become blind to this fright
before night falls maybe I'll get some sleep
I tried to find you in my dreams
But my sheets got the best of me
If I'm not fighting to find answers then how can i rescue me?

I'll stop shaking
So maybe our lines can meet
so when your teeth meet my meat my tongue will stop you from breathing deep
and my mind will remind you of all the times I was so deep
I could carve my name in your frame with my nails on your heartbeat

I remember first your sentences
I remember next your voice
I remember all the time you took
I remember all your books
what does it mean right now
to remember everything
when I'm breaking you in half
like you don't mean anything
that's not a fact at all
you see
I love you everyday
I miss you every second
there's just something in the way
my brain I feel is killing me
I'll hate myself tomorrow
I ****** up all the things I love
like knives it feels i've swallowed
day by day I take this
and day by day you cry
I need to level out this strife
I hear you begging me to try
I lay down by myself at night
at night is when I die
cause every second that I take
is one i've let go by
I fear my own indignance
and this guilt builds homes inside me
like i'm living for myself
but now this time it feels like dying
I cannot live inside a lie
too hard for me to swallow
I pray everyday
that I can better my tomorrow
I hope that when you read this
it does not make you sad
I hope that all your days are full
of hope for what you have
this life we live is all too short
we're all under it's spell
the moon, she tells me every night
to live a life un-dwelled
I try to remember this when the sun is
blaring light
and she is also telling me
there's no life without a fight

I fell for you
like i'd been dropped
& what a mess i've made
of myself

I should have to
apologize to my lungs
for ever needing
my heart to breathe;

I've been deceived
by my own beating

love, the ultimate expense.

in reviewing my statement in the value of memory and regret. loss, lying and this incessant lying down. the torture of wonder of other of her, that & before. numbers couldn't explore this debt with any equation other than patience and those letters devour the tables of multiplication in the repetitive puddles I sat and sipped from, in desperate bowls.
my same mouth, changing shape, the geometry of lips, count my teeth, thighs against cheeks, finding sides, counting down heart beats. press rewind, press my split. divide belief and get the meaning of y I do this to myself. no, love is not free. it is the disease in which I've married & will spend my entire life in debt.

I've mapped this house out for months now;
praying you'll kiss me against every joist holding                (in & exhale)
I'll breathe out
all the lives I have lived without this
my chest will beat the tale of you over and over to my ribs & my legs will never stand again without aching

Spending my time like pennies, *waiting

I've watched the sky
light up the night
and every time
I've seen your eyes
in Orion
I've seen them in Hydra
and the minors
I've dreamt you were mine girl
when you smile
I can see it for miles
but our stars haven't aligned
or maybe I'm just blinded by the
lightning
or the light
from the moon
I can see it from my room
& I can see you in that too
and I'm in love with the universe
I'm so in love with the way it works
between the blue & all the latitudes
the way the wind blows through
is how I mean to move in you
but I'm not a bird
and you're not amused
if only I could prove my fuse
on my spaceship
to meet your atmosphere
but I'll just lay here
alone under these stars
& maybe if I don't blink
I'll find your heart

when did "love"
suddenly become
such difficult a means
days with dented ribs
making it hard for me to breathe
when all at once
so easily
it got handed straight to me
impossible is the grab now
confusing youth with
being free
& I haven't any fight
left inside of me
I cannot chase you on my knees
my dear
I owe this love zero more fees
if it is mine then I shall have it
if it is not, then you must leave
I cannot play
a n y m o r e
guessing-games
praying you still *remember me

love isn't every when you're tired
but I dance I dance with love every hour
foot step on footstep, right now
you're on the couch
you're on my mind you're always
doesn't mean I'm being still
am I and am I ask me if I'm ever still
and I'd still tell you sometimes
I'd still say
sand and
please
I'd say I
love you too and
everything

i'd
ripped up a list
with some
things that i've written
things I have gripped
to survive

a fish made of glass
that's been
swimming in madness
constantly
swallows her pride

salt water drips
from her lids
to her lips
drying ripples on
both of her thighs

but there's something
about mornings &
loving that woman
that keeps me up
most of the night

love is in the silence
the nothing that fronts completion
the smell and ******
trusting in care
it is in caring

quieting down for the loud of your lover
love like this, completely or
do not claim the word
love is in the consistency and not the pattern
finding love in the letting

love is in the letting and moving
the dancing of bodies

it is in forgetting
and pulling it all through

the way two bodies feel in bed
waking up wanting to do it all
over and over and over again

you people disgust me
i use to feel lucky
but now all i yield
is the feel of
unlucky
trust nothing
your words feel like shields
i feel yucky
as soon as i see or
spin wheels
words like
gray
names like buckley
have I spilled all our disgusting taste
you're a ******
face your ear hole my dear
I hear nothing
fear nothing
surprised by the fault
in our skies
brown eyes you mean
something
but everyone gets stuff
like something
i want more than your stuff
& your pour
fills
my
nothing

it's always the same
you everywhere
& me
finding the poetry in shaking
finally finding it silent
then realizing
this
this missing you
this loving you in volumes

it's the noisiest thing

By the way
Before I pass out
I want to say
that you're a babe
And not like a beach babe
or
like pancakes or anything
like that -
But like a babe, babe
Like the most gorgeous girl
Your voice is playing games with my sheets
and I can't sit still
I'm trying to sleep
but
I'm too excited
that
You'll be in my dreams
My pillows can't stand me
I can't stand where you are
And
You can't stand where I've been
And none of that will matter
After we get where we are going
Where does it start?
From the heart?
The heart deals like a shark would at a park in the dark
& I feel just like that **** shark
Drowning in all the bubbles you just blew in my mouth

Like fire
Lit beneath my feet
My eyes open wide
My speech
bent to scream
My knees holding all of me
Up & to the side
I wait for you
Till it's too late
I return to the same place
Where I made my mistakes
Mine
My mind
& now I'm not ashamed of them
But I'm still being shamed for them
& I'm pushing through
Pressed against it
My lips turning blue
and I can't help but be
annoyed
Exploited
It's not who I am
& I'm proving to be
Just what you want anyway
Which isn't at all
What I need

How do I
close my eyes & not see you
believe that you're real
when my hands
they can't feel you
in disarray I'm stranded
and land just can't be land
if i can't plant in it or stand it

what does her hair smell like
darling
I'm dying to know
yes I can tell you that she's pretty
but it burns inside my bones
& you can hear my ****** silence
pouring from my nose
that I can taste your empty pressing
tearing at my clothes
every inch of all my skin
is stretched over the phone
I don't know how far I can take this
but I know how far it goes
& I might try to show you patience
until my chest is left exposed
my tongue it sifts through all this
sound
until my mouth is all you know

I squirm
to form words
I know you've already heard them
I want to say something new
learn a different slogan
I'll write a different poem
every single night
explaining the importance of time
& your sides next to mine
it's a line
these are lines
but none of them are lying
I'd like to pick through your mind
and climb the
flights
        of
           your
                   spine
bite your smile
find your binds
and slowly untie them
redefine what's sublime
leave behind all the silence
what's inside this
no one knows
I think I know where this is going
If I could convince you late at night
to just be mine
& keep you moaning
keep on crowing
keep on throwing
your name to the moon
i want to wrap you in my blankets
and keep you in my room
I know it's soon
it's all too soon
but i'm making room for it
I've got a lot on my mind
and you're the lot i'm exploring
but I'm not pouring this up
I hope you've got it by now
while I tackle your why's
watch me worship your how's

I'm still just standing in my own ashes
the debris in which I've burned,
night after night for you

learning there are no breaths
deep enough

& I can't tell if the whiskey is helping
then again
neither is the screaming

try shaking off
what's been chained to you;
pulling skin from bone
shouldn't feel like home
and a big bowl of
whatever it is you want from me

you see, I keep having this dream
where you are
so
happy to see me
& now I can't seem to
appreciate mornings

it's been
a hundred days of bleeding
in need of
something unkeepable
something my arms can't possibly
reach for

when
all my
words
I keep warm for you
straight through my
frozen throat
a broken chest plate
just in case
you need them to save you

don't promise her the stars
don't surround her with that kind of dark
& please
don't speak what you can't feed
just love her & mean it
you should love her or leave

Oh I'd love to know more
I love knowing better
I change my view
& changed the weather
forget about poison honey
I float like a feather
& leaves
now we leave
this get-together
i never felt pressure
it only felt better
we sat & I pressed our hands together
New England
sweet wind and heavily wined
you changed my mind
I change my mind
as I fly blind
b a c k
to a different time
a different line from a hymn I've been humming
a different track than the one I've been running
my home, please know i am coming
I wouldn't; but love
I have this need
to show you something

aesthetics are pathetic
what's in our minds
deserves the credit

I wanted to see the sunset
so I watched it over my book

& sometimes I wish I'd met you out

I'm digging my feet as deep into the sand as my ankles will allow
i can wear the day like my shoes. the earth as my boots

my gift
I stood present with you
i was
wet paint
spilling herself in a
gallery
when the artist had gone
so I
find myself
touching the knife

except

you let me love your dogs

I dream to see daylight on top of you
& me on top of that
I like to imagine you in nothing
on your back, lying down flat
& somedays
I want your waist
to know exactly what you taste like
I'd be quiet
I'll lay sideways
with your leg between my thighs and
I have climbed miles of vines
I grew myself with my bad timing
of staying up too late
at night
drinking wine to fuel some writing
about a girl a world away
starting fires burn inside me
she knows not
one drop of
the
information that I'm hiding
I'll admit
I keep my volume & my thoughts about her
silent
but even her nothing
is exciting
it's just my chest begs for your
head and in my bed I'm left
deprived

I thought I heard you whisper
before I heard you speak
knowing nothing
a b o u t
you
I politely took a seat
now these
days I've spent
and mornings
drinking memories
of a face
that I now long for
haunting
every part of me
an accidental kiss
can feel so monumental
an encounter just like this
can make the soul feel
transcendental
connections give us strength
for they are
natural
and simple
it is the circumstance we thank
for making love in life
essential

I'm never alone
I just entered a world
where a hummingbird
twirled and danced
and formed
a swirl
that pulled my soul
into a whirlwind
a sanctuary
a forest
and i'm the only one using words here
i'm smaller than the birds
and they allow me to sit here
and watch them
not fly
but peck the ground at my feet
and for once
i'm not defeated
because what i see
is clear
and it's all I've ever needed
and i have no fear
cause the trees protect me
when I breathe
deeper
than I ever could tangled in city lights
and bars with different people
I lean with the weeds and the leaves
that leaves me feeling weightless
thousands of limbs and twigs
rocks and cliffs
with more control than we dare to give credit
but i give my life for this
i'm forever indebted

let me slip
into your skin
like sleep
like sheets
and fall asleep
between
the s p a c e s where
you breathe
& you dream
like this my arms feel long
my legs, a thousand miles
to wrap myself
around the shelf
of ribs that hold your while's
somebody, anybody
tell me how to
stop
wanting what I cannot have
instead of what I've got
this have, it feels like nothing
it all pales to what you pour
and everyday
I stay awake
wanting you
more
& more
& more

I have a love
I've grown to know
this love it is the best
it kisses all my fingers
it lays atop my chest
I have a love
that's sensitive
this love
swallows the rest
because this love
is not obsessed
it  leaves me un-repressed
I have a love
I'll say again
this love is like a pen
it writes to me
incessantly
& so
I
let
it
in

spilt on
spinning
another metal-goodnight another
"I hope we're alright"
darling it's Sunday
honey it's numbers like,
four and
ten; it is fourteen, I'm spent
I'm done saying I'm
bent and yours and-or-hers, I'm
again I am, against this
might as well say
tired, my god
I'm allowed to be quiet
I can't fix tired or change what's burnt
I won't
move for you if it hurts
I won't
if it hurts
& I can float from humility but
I won't if you serve it
I
do not think it is worth it

Me a fish
& you my sea
Your waves washed me
Onto the beach
The birds they came
& pecked my chest
My gills got filled
With earthly breath
I gasped and flipped
I flopped & squirmed
My fins went limp
My scales, all torn
(We go as fast as we are born)

I looked up high
Beyond the wind
& prayed to have  
Just one last swim
The sun went dim
The wind did blunder
Your waves create
and swept me under
I gasped again
But in reverse
Submersed and cursing every bird
My fins are ripped
I cannot swim
I float along your currents whims
I asked you why
You pushed me out
To watch me bleed
struck with a knout
You calmed and said
Simply to me
You are my fish
And me, your sea

I quit being okay with this
I quit feeling like I can't breathe
and hiding everything that's real to me
it's my choice right?
to throw in the towel
and just forget it
to just be me
I just want to be with me
no one sees that
cause everyone just wants
what feels good to them
and I don't want to feel good to anyone
anymore
I don't feel good anymore
I just want to be a friend
to a friend
who knows how to be a friend to me
because my heart is heavy
how could you know
when you've never held it
it's heavier than ever
and my chest wasn't built for it
and how could you know
if I don't speak of it
I never speak
and I want everything
but i can't get a thing
silently
acting like this
soon no one will want it
and who am i kidding
i'm left kissing the inside of this door
i keep *slamming

I sit cross legged on a rock
drinking a lot out of a top with an octopus on it
with all these thoughts in a knot
like I swallowed a shot of hot lava
and i'm bothered see
I mean
this bothers me
I don't want to sit blocked
I want the ability to think clearly
I feel the wind on my skin and that helps me begin freely
and as the clouds wash all this doubt
I feel the ground
coming to drown out all of my pleads
I start choking on leaves
until a tree sneezes
from the debris I was cleaning
leaving me and my knees to bleed
i'm on the side of this cliff
& if I slip
i'll probably start to believe in all kinds of things
but i don't want to slip to believe
I want to just breathe it
and being here clearly steers my fear away
like nature was all that I needed

Somebody please stop the bleeding
Pouring from my grief
If I could believe in something real
It wouldn't feel like pulling teeth
I want relief or something like it
Or maybe some release
I need a break from all this *******
that burns inside of me
I wish you'd hand over your keys
Sit down and have a drink
I think you think a bit too much
But you aren't sharing it with me
Cause you see life is like a game
In which we hand over our chips
But I see life as something planned
In which I get to kiss your lips
Because I think about your skin
Makes me loosen up my grip
Instead of clenching up my fists
I start hand making you gifts
I'm not at all for giving up
I hope in time you won't forget
I know my mind reserves the lines
And in your head it's softly scripted

Just this once
Let's forget about love
& open up
No more
Keeping your eyes shut
I want to see what I'm missing
And closing my eyes when we kissed
Made me miss the blissfulness
Of being that close to your skin
I want to begin again  
I know that I can
But you leave me like this
with my heart in your fist
all my love in your hands
a foolish man
Is where I stand now
& even I can't stand me
Woman you know who I am
****, can't you remember?
Our dances of strands & hair bands
& how our kiss felt like November
you said you want the best for me
& I want what's best for you
but you're the best thing that there is
Guess I'm the best at always losing

it isn't setting for me
to want t h i n g s before sleep
or to wake up
finding
I still want the same things
my want turned into a haunting
I become tightened in my sheets
& you're the ghost I want the most
so come possess me as you please

You want me to believe
I'm the only one you see
But I am not naive
You see things I cannot think of
I bet she sees all the things
You rep everything but me, love

I need to unwind this tight binding on my mindset
I want to rewind time and refine all of my blind frets
without regretting anything
it's an undefined stretch
& Life isn't t i m e l e s s
time just passes
and that's
all
that
we
get

For now
Only a hit will do
A drink too
You might as well
Make it two
I'm playing myself now
playing the fool
I need this fuel to undo you
You swallowed me whole
Is this how you'd un-chew me?
Undo me
How to misconstrue truth -
Either way
our ends got loose
& either way
I knew I loved you

I'm crawling through
spaces
smaller than me
& I'm stealing
deep breaths
when it gets
too hard to
breathe
I've fallen too fast
made a fool out of speed
& found
you'd never match
the love
I have for *me

I'm taking a ride tonight
My eyes are wide open
And I look at myself
through the eyes of a woman
I stare for a while
A little disheartened
For a moment you flew
And now your wings are all rotten
Your bones are all cold
& You could have been smarter
You always did what you're told
Such a good little daughter

With no hope to hold onto
You pushed that away
Cause it got hard for you to talk through your **** everyday
So forget it
Forget it
and they'll forget you  
I'm alone every night
Just a fool in a room

Desperate for something
Moon, what do I do?
i need guidance, a sign
Or am I already ruined?

I should have just
Kissed you in front
of everyone
and all at once
I shouldn't have
Jumped over
the lump in my throat
To get passed
All the notes that you wrote
Ink that stained my paper skin
Stand naked & read
over and over again
There is no more begins with
Like a light switch
Your hands turned me on
and every room would shine
I sleep in pitch black now
cause you aren't mine
& I might seem fine
but at night I'm reminded
and light only brightens
the empty space on my chest
where you'll always belong

I've felt fire honey
& i've known what it feels like to get burnt
then I took one look at you
and decided I was right
this must be what sunlight tastes like
it must burn

tried to sit with it
ended up on the far end of the bench
clenching my
unclench these
empty fists
hands laced with could
but not full up

crowing;
I'm crowing this
woman's name
this woman I
this and I
not as us

the brain of the dog
can sense the rain
the heart of the horse
that laps at your face

outstretched arms of quiet drenched in sentiment, drenched in sentences, dripping through my mornings. spilling that tar from the lung's lies, spilling salt and honey
honey and spit
dancing heavy
spooning sweat
not being let

could you speak up
say yes
I'm not ready to give you up quite yet