when will you realize
that the red, uniform lines stained on my sheets
arent the result of a ****** nose
arent because of un-bandaged scratches
but from
your words
your actions
your inflicted pain
your refusal to accept
your ****** parenting
your ignorance
of my pain
of my depression
of my anxiety
of my sexuality
of the way i feel as i see myself in a mirror
and think
what am i
who am i
why am i like this
when i pray to the gods i dont believe in
asking
pleading
begging
for some comfort
to know that im not a mistake
that im not worthless
that im not unloved
that im not hopeless
although i feel like it
although i feel like ill never make it
although i feel like nothing will ever get better
and that im destined
to be the one who brings about my own downfall
to be the one at the trigger
to be the one holding the knife
to be the one who tied the noose
to be the one who opened the pills
the poison i pick is the feeling of nothingness
this is my future
this is what i spend my time pondering
while cleaning the blood from my thighs
while washing the broken glass that cuts my skin
while splashing water on my face
while brushing away the tears
while practicing how to smile in the mirror
while rehearsing my lines
while pretending im fine, dont worry about me
while trying to seem like
im always here
im always happy
im always feeling
but
you wouldnt know that
would you

its been a month
funny how time flies
it seems only yesterday
you were there
laughing
smiling
holding my hand
singing along to showtunes in the car
we were happier than we had ever been
i shouldve known it would end
life has a hard-on for ******* me over
ruining all the good in my life
.
.
.
whyd it happen to you
of all people
.
.
.
we had a lot of plans
college together
an apartment in the city
maybe getting married
adopting a kid or two
spending another thirteen years as best friends
and then some
but those plans never work out
do they?
.
.
.
i dont know how ill move on
.
.
.
i listened to the cd
the karaoke we did at the arcade two years ago
livin on a prayer
we were fifteen
freshman in high school
even when youre scream-singing
you have an amazing voice
had
you had an amazing voice
i envy the angels who hear you singing now
save a song for me
.
.
.
i hope this finds you
wherever you are
i figured polaris would help
.
.
.
you are my home
always have been
always will be
.
.
.
farewell
.
.
.
ill see you soon