Jessie: Favorites

Oct 2014 Jessie

Madisen Kuhn

i’ve never had feelings for anyone who could be good for me. i’ve never been interested in someone where a good, healthy relationship could’ve resulted, and maybe that’s why i’m so jaded, because everyone i’ve ever liked has just been a distraction or a house on fire— someone i know i shouldn’t be involved with, but i’ll give myself just a few more days to run around frantically with my hands over my eyes, peaking through the cracks between my fingers, searching for things i know i don’t really need, and then i’ll dash out and run down the driveway and the smog will linger for a little while, and the neighbors will complain, and i’ll sit on the curb with my forehead on my knees, holding nothing but intangible regret. next, i’ll either get over it, or obsessively think about him and the ashes smudged on the inside of my eyelids for longer than my sanity. i’ve never really liked someone and been able to daydream about the real possibility of us turning into something greater; of tire swings and painted mailboxes and overgrown, green lawns. it’s always been pretending and fake hope and melodramatic doom. i think it’s messed up my perception of having feelings for someone, because i can never take it seriously— either i know he’s not right for me, or i know the circumstances prohibit the possibility of us. it makes me never want to give anyone a chance (i can’t even see anyone worth chance-giving) because i know how it ends. i don’t like having this closed off heart so early on; i’m too young to be this bitter.

21:56 journal entry

Oct 2014 Jessie

do not fall in love with a poet

Oct 2014 Jessie

honey ashes

do not fall in love with a poet

do not fall in love with a poet
unless you can accept flickering candles at obscene hours
and ink stains that cover their fingers and clothes
and constant eye bags that they may need you to kiss

do not fall in love with a poet
unless you handle them dropping all and suddenly
composing
and then shutting you out in frustration of imperfection
sometimes words just do not do the things that they want

do not fall in love with a poet
if you do not appreciate paragraphs about your eyes
or if you do not have very beautiful prose
your simplicity will scare; they will simply hide their heart

do not fall in love with a poet
and solely be swept away by their mesmerizing verses
they will take you and transfix you in the dead of the night
leaving you breathless
but they'll be gone by morning

*k.c.

#love #heartbreak #broken #sad #depression #life #heart #pain #you

Sep 2014 Jessie

hauntings

Sep 2014 Jessie

honey ashes

hauntings

how do you stop yourself from becoming a living contradiction? what do you do when no one has taught you the proper way to respond to the pain sprouting through cracks and seams and overgrowing the gardens of your mind, suffocating the beautiful because there is simply not enough room, what do you do when you’re trying to swallow the panic bubbling up in your throat? where does that heat come from, that builds in the backs of your eyes like all the hurt you bundled up for safe-keeping because some fights aren’t worth having, even when you can feel your heart breaking, a little at a time? why is the emptiness and the darkness always so much bigger than anything else? when does it stop feeling like a form of torture to leave the house and when does everything stop representing him in small and insignificant ways, every hour, every minute, every second? how do you stop the deep pit from forming in that area of your chest every time you accidentally stumble on a song that holds echoes of him in it’s crevices? echoes that escape like whispers of smoke and riddle holes in you, relentlessly and eternally? how the hell is someone both everywhere and nowhere all at once? when do you stop waking up in cold sweats because you are so achingly alone? where is the pavilion of shelter? when does it stop feeling like a war that you’re only fighting with yourself?

-*k.c.

#love #sad #lonely #pain #alone #hurt #thoughts #you

Sep 2014 Jessie

Thank You...

Sep 2014 Jessie

Baylee

Thank You...

A text message that reads,
"I need you. Please help me."
Sends you back to me
Quicker than anything.
This isn't a love poem about
How I lost the love of my life,
Begged for them back and
They came back to me.
This is about a friend.
Someone who cares about me,
And puts me before them self.
This is about a best friend.
I try to blink away tears,
But they keep rolling down my face.
You call me in an instant,
As soon as you get my text,
I'm balling, trying to hold myself back
And you, in an eleven minute and twenty three second conversation,
Talk me out of what could have been.
From the darkest places I have been,
I would like to thank you
From the bottom of my heart,
Because if it weren't for you,
I wouldn't be alive today,
To write this.

A friend of mine saved my life by putting others before herself. In a late night field of depressing thoughts and wallowing in my own problems, I sent a text to her, asking for her help, to keep me from doing something stupid to myself. She called me, and she saved my life that night. Thank you, Jessie.

Apr 2014 Jessie

Insanity

Apr 2014 Jessie

Baylee

Insanity

As I look around me,
The room is filling with smoke,
There are people drinking, smoking,
And people snorting coke.
I guess you could say,
I ended up in the "wrong crowd" of people,
There's a banging on the door, "police, open up",
And someone looks out the peephole.
There's a cop in the doorway,
6 foot 2, brown hair, and semi-large ears,
We all scramble and scream,
"**** there's no way we're all getting out of here".
This will be fun to explain,
To my parents who thought I was studying,
"I was testing the effects of drugs,
It was ******* that I was snorting".
Come on, this isn't fair,
None of you understand me,
Lock me away in jail,
So I can plead "insanity".
I need mental help,
From a psych ward or something,
I'm willing to go, or you can baker act me,
It'd be better than doing nothing.

Mar 2014 Jessie

HOSPITALIZATION

Mar 2014 Jessie

Emily

HOSPITALIZATION

YOU WILL NOT FALL IN LOVE IN A HOSPITAL, YOUR SKIN WILL SMELL LIKE THE DYING AND YOUR LIPS WILL CRACK AND YOU WILL NOT FIND BEAUTY

I USED TO THINK I WOULD FIND SOLACE IN THOSE SANITIZED WHITE HALLS BUT ALL I EVER FOUND WAS MY OWN EMPTY EYES STARING BACK AT ME FROM THE UNBREAKABLE SUICIDE-PROOF MIRROR AND THERE WAS NO COMFORT IN MY BRUISED TENDER FACE

HOSPITALS ARE NO PLACE FOR YOUNG GIRLS WHO HAVE NOT YET TURNED AWAY FROM LIFE AND THEY ARE NO PLACE FOR KISSING YET YOU READ ABOUT MOUTHS FINDING EACHOTHER IN THE DARKEST HOUR AND YOU THINK OF CEMENT HOSPITAL WALLS; THERE IS NO DARKNESS IN HOSPITALS, JUST PURPLE FLUORESCENT LIGHTS THAT MAKE YOU LOOK SO PALE YOU MIGHT JUST REALIZE THE IMMINENCE OF YOUR OWN DEATH.

YOU WILL NOT FALL IN LOVE IN A HOSPITAL.

Mar 2014 Jessie

Figure skaters

Mar 2014 Jessie

Daan

Figure skaters

If only your eyebrows were more prominent
passion drives to glow, sparkling, sliding,
gliding,
creating cold dust, floating for a while.
Twirling, curling, turning, flying, twisting,
my eyes were hooked, not only because
of how you looked. It's what you did
that made me oblivious of all else.
Even though your rating would be high, I would
never judge you.

Judging on my sense of sensing,
we will never winter sport together.
Mostly because of me, the weather
and because you're better.

I hate myself for that.

Mar 2014 Jessie

Relapse

Mar 2014 Jessie

Miranda

Relapse

At a young age, we are introduced to and warned of fatal addictions
Drugs of every shape and form are proclaimed as our lifelong enemies
Whether we choose the path of hand to hand combat with them is up to us
We are shown the lasting effects of these addictions to scare us away
We are told to fight temptation and peer pressure over and over until the words are forever imprinted upon us
We must resist, they say

But no one ever mentions the fact that the most deadly drug appears to you as everything you have ever wanted
With qualities unlike any other
Qualities that are impossible to resist
No teacher, policeman, or parent ever warned me that my most fatal addiction would have a heartbeat
No one ever told me that a smile could hook me right then and there
And keep me for life
I got high off of laughter and a gentle touch
I lived life with a sweet satisfaction that told me everything would be alright
But eventually,
I could only muster up whispers of words left unspoken to burn and keep me at a level close to sanity
I needed more and more
You can only get so high off a memory
And my drug had nothing left to give me

No one ever speaks of what it's like to suffer with the withdrawals after you give up hoping for a return
No one ever speaks of the relapses on the days you think that everything is back to normal
No one tells you about how it feels when your drug finds another victim
Each day is a struggle to kick an addiction that you never saw coming

But with time, the longing goes away
As the days count up, so does your resistance
Growing up, you're told countless lessons and stories about fatal addictions and their cause
To look out for these drugs because all it takes is one use to hook you
And I never knew that applied to people as well

m.h.

Feb 2014 Jessie

Plot Twist

Feb 2014 Jessie

Baylee

Plot Twist

We're coming to an end,
We'll soon have a new beginning,
But as of right now,
It's we that are ending.

It's been forever,
Four painful and tiring years,
But in that time,
It's you that shed no tears.

I was broken,
I spent everyday crying,
I got so sick,
I ended up in the hospital, dying.

But you didn't care,
No, you just kept on with your life,
I don't stop thinking about you,
But you haven't thought about me twice.

You ended it,
And cut me out of your world,
Then three days later,
You were onto another girl.

It's been a long four years,
But that time has finally come to end,
And look,
We still have loose ends, that we never got to mend.

So long, my love,
Though you've forgotten I exist,
See you in the next four years,
I wish against it, but that's the plot twist.