I always put everyone else first
Sacrificing my own wants and desires
But for one night
I was selfish
I got what I have wanted for months
Though it’s something many believe I hate
I have desired it for months now
Only with one
Not with anyone else
No matter what others want me to do
To them
With them
None of them
Have stirred this thing within me
Just that one
Now that I have had a taste of what I wanted
I don’t know if I can stay
Here where my desires and whims
Are contained to just one
But not that one
Another of a different feather
Who wishes to cage me
Within their sweet words and pretty promises
Yet I still wish I could be as free
As I was that night
When I was as selfish as I dared
Doing as I pleased
As he pleased
We both were pleased
Whether it was due to the alcohol
Or poor choices
I don’t regret it
Like I do all of those other encounters
These bruises don’t make me shy away
I don’t try to hide them
The whole world can see them for all I care
I put myself first for once
And it didn’t leave me covered in scars

I.
Car Hits Tree:
Local Teenager Killed In Speeding Accident.

II.
I couldn't write I couldn't
think,
for a week.

III.
I sat down in the
aftermath,
and you were still pounding inside my head;
boy who I wanted to defend,
boy who I wanted to be.

IV.
You, alone, in the car.
Sixteen,
player on the football team.

V.
We all wore blue and loved and thought of you,
but the days ticked on and you slid farther into that coma,
never woke up again.

VI.
Your sister said at the football game,
she wanted to use present tense for you;
he IS here, he IS a good kid.

VII.
I couldn't do it.
You were here, you were a good kid.

VIII.
And now it's over,
and you will be a page in a high school yearbook,
a newspaper clipping,
and a tragic backstory.

IX.
Car Hits Tree:
Local Teenager Killed in Speeding Accident.

Artists capture moments for eternity
In dried paint mimicking life
But the stiff edges of them
Are unable to show the emotions
That flow off of everyone
Softening their edges
Bleeding more than my open vein

Their colors are unable to resemble
The stark red of my blood
On the recently bleached porcelain
Or pinpoint each star
Of the galaxies within his eyes

Nor are they able to blend their paints
To show how the simple white pills
Absorb the colors of my palm
Or how they make each of his movements
So drastic and sharp

The way her body turns and twists
When the music pulses within her
Is something artists have yet to paint

They may grasp how her hair twirls around her
Getting stuck on her lipgloss
But it will never look right
Without the motion behind it

The lack of music is deafening in their portraits
They tried to capture the beauty of a songbird
In a soundproof glass box

I.
We are thought of as a struggle.
Tight binders,
unsure makeup application,
cringing away from mirrors,
healthcare nightmares.

II.
Think of me as a victory,
for two minutes.

III.
Think of me as
using the men's room for the first time
and shaking with nerves and happiness for an hours afterwards.

IV.
Think of me as seeing myself in the mirror
for the first time
since I cut my hair off.

V.
Think of me as buying clothes and grinning
all day long
because I now possess a shirt
that feels right.

VI.
Think of me being called 'Sir' when I buy my groceries,
and think of me going home and crying from joy
because this is the first time
that I know I am right.

I run cold
you run hot
let’s get together and make a storm