When I loved you, you were April mornings and bagels with extra cream cheese.
When I lost you, you were untouched cups of coffee, growing colder and stale through the day.

When I loved you, there was muddy shoes and shortcuts off the main road,
When I lost you, I wandered around trying to find my way back to the trail head.

When I loved you I was younger, I was lost, my hair was longer and thicker, and my heart was lighter. I slept with lights on and drank my coffee with more cream,,
When I lost you I thought that was the end. I thought that the world around me had stopped spinning and I cried for nights upon nights and lost 10 pounds because I couldn't eat my food.

When I loved you I thought that I was happy,
When I lost you I realized that I had never really been that happy.

When I loved you I learned about forgiveness, patience, and how to care about someone.
When I lost you I learned about acceptance, solidity, and how to care about myself.

When I loved you I thought the world looked brighter and grass didn't itch the same.
When I lost you I saw that they sky has always been the same, and grass will grow in unexpected places.

When I loved you, I thought it would be forever. We were so young and wanted so much from each other.
When I lost you, and long long after I lost you, I realized how easy it is for things to change, and how these things won't break you.
& I do still love you (in memory)

I taught her how to handle a
Pellet gun tonight.
Now her eye is black from the
Scope, her fake fingernails chipped
From loading,
And the pine tree nearly stripped from
Cones outside my
Livingroom window, where our
Jägermeister
Cups made little rings on my
Brother's Longfellow hardback
Copy.

The night sky is bright blue this
Time of year in Norway.
Sun never really sets.
I looked up at the brightests spots
Beyond the moon, as she took aim
And fired with a subtle
Psstkh.

"So close," she whispered at the
Unwounded summer evening,
And I smelled her lavender hair
And all the warm outsides
As I thought of satellites and
Discoveries, and how moments
Such as this one would
Always matter
More.

I. The honey-bees are a dying breed,
II.** I'm sleeping on an air mattress instead of in your arms,
(these are not specific arms, these are general arms)
(or, you know, on a real bed, which would also suffice)
III. I spent three months obsessing over the concept of someone,
only to find in practice we had nothing in common
and nothing to talk about (to really talk about)
(12 hours in a car with someone and by the end you're either madly in love with them or know it will never ever work out)
IV. I saw a spider on the floor of my new room a few hours ago. What if it has friends?
(What if it has family? Where are they? How do I tell them I fear them and am also their ally?)
V. I still love the boy that hates me and still hate the boy that loves me and also don't care about either of them because I'm doing me right now.
(Because when was the last time I allowed myself to be alone and heal?)
VI. You never know how strong you are until you have to be as strong as you can be.
(and I am strong.)

Your things have been bagged, sitting in my closet for nearly
three weeks
theres still the pictures
the polaroids of you
of us
easter with your mom
most days im fine without you

it doesnt mean i dont worry for you though
for how everything is changing for you
i hope you're doing alright
cause im not gonna ask
we decided its better that way right?

I'm happy I know I am
but there's still a bit of my heart
left behind
in that old mining town
that green valley
and I thought I took it with me
I thought I had forgotten
and could focus on this new man
but waking to a text
and feeling that empty space
I remembered
why I couldn't feel for this new man
like I should
like I wish I could
confirming
that I had slipped part of my heart
into T.L.'s pocket
and I might never get it back.

if you are missing him, remember this. remember how cruel he was to you, how every time he drove away the moonlight made your skin look bruised, it made you feel soft. remember that you are not. you might break but you will always heal. think of the nights where he turned away and refused to let you touch him, nights where he moaned your best friends' names into your mouth while you tried to prove how much you loved him, nights where he'd refuse to stop yelling until you put your hands on him. do not think of his hands, or his mouth, or any of the bones in his body. they're not for you. they're not for anybody but himself and you should pity the fact he doesn't know how to love them. you gave your best to him and he crumpled it up until it looked like your worst. don't feel sorry for being emotional, he was a gaping wound in your chest and things like that deserve a good cry. if you're missing him, remember how distant he was, how when you'd sink down on him he wouldn't be looking at your face. how his shoes were always graffitied with the numbers of other girls. how in the middle of a date he asked another girl her name. I know it hurts, it's going to be okay, I promise. remember how unhelpful he was? how little he cared, moving so fast he could never type the 'I?' he blamed you for loving him too much, for being too sad: both things were his fault. I know it doesn't seem like it but I promise there is somebody much, much more lovely, somebody who will treat you like a cloud, and won't throw a fit when you start to rain. you just have to wait.

He plays the guitar
        with a soft raspy voice
             we spent last night *******
                                   this morning too
                                he didn't mind
                        take after take
      of my audition video
seventeen strong
but he demanded ten more
             shopping
      and laughing
      and kisses
                        losing count
                              of how many times
                                          he tells me I'm beautiful
resting my head on his
as he watches all twenty seven auditions
again and again
to make sure I am successful
and choose only the best
        I fall asleep in kingsize white sheets
        peaceful
and smiling
                    knowing that I am safe and happy.