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  Jun 2015 jennifer
Old text messages are the devil
Because they show that one day
it was *"Let's go get coffee together."

And that day led to making out,
behind a shed neither of us owned.
They show that the next week,
you were on your way over
to my house.  
"On my way."
And that day...
oh, god, that day...
I trusted you.
I said no.
My trust was misplaced.
You violated me anyway.
They show that you kept in contact;
you texted me daily for a month after.
As if nothing happened.
As if my life hadn't been torn apart.
"I love you."
"You want to get coffee again?"

jennifer Jun 2015
"Only happy when it rains"

Am I that girl?
It was easy to deliver a
Eulogy, but a
I choked on it,
Couldn't get it down.
Ready to jump out of my skin at a celebration,
Comfortable in the places
Designed to be
Those are my
Places, where I am at
Ease, happy in an
Unhappy kind of way.

The people in
My  places, the
Insane, the abnormal,  the unwanted, the
****** up,
Those are
My people, comfortable. They
Know me.
Understand my own ****** up
They don't judge, don't
Look down,
Whisper when I walk away.
They don't notice.
Unnoticed is the best thing.
jennifer Jun 2015
Take 1 miserable childhood
Mix with 2 parts of
1 part people pleaser and a
Dash of perfectionist.
Simmer for 10 years occasionally stirring in
****** assault.
Let cool.
While early years mix are cooling prepare the
Relapse filling:
In a large scarred heart mix together nightmares and
Fear of failure. Slowly stir in temptation followed by a pinch of apathy.
to assemble:
Spead the early years mixture  across the bottom of an empty soul and top with the relapse mix.
Sprinkle lack of support and triggers along top.
Serve immediately and regret...
jennifer Jun 2015
He came.
Wielding Neosporin. & hot chocolate, Housed in a thermos, safe
Temperature keeping of course.
Snacks too, always
Honeybuns maybe, or a cake, itself
Housed in plastic, the cellphane type.
Undoubtedly he had read
Somewhere that we
Love sweets, they help us
Thru the absence of what we really
So here he came, in a
Glorious naivety, an
Ignorant hope.  He
Found me while I was distracted, busy
Inhaling summertime on a
Paper plate.
Bland burgers,  burnt hot dogs, Watered-down soda, and
Soggy chips, these the
Staples of a barbecue.
I don't know whether it's the
Charcoal or the
Vitamin D, but somehow that
Flimsy plate full of food is the best Thing you've
Ever had,
Delicious,  tasting of smiles and
Tan lines,
Green grass and flip-flops,
Fun and relaxation.
As I took it in, he
Approached,  sidekick in tow,
Of course, carrying a book,
That book, the one none of us
Wanted to see or touch, much less
I thought about running, knew I could.  But, my
Blissful escape on paper had been
Provided by the neighborhood
Church.  My
Mother had instilled enough
Manners in me to know that in
Exchange for this happy memory Inducing
Food, the
Least I could do was listen to his
I did listen, then I
Excused myself. He,
One more person
Met and forgotten in moments.
Except he came
Again and again,
Praying and talking
With all of us,
Bringing with him snacks:
Honeybuns frosted with an icing that left the aftertaste of
Hope, hot chocolate  
Accessorized with
Faith marshmallows. Neosporin to Heal
Scars, result of
Needles and of memories.
He kept coming,
Wouldn't give up; probably he
Kept trying ,
Trying to penetrate the
Fog, we've all aquire. Fog of
Fabulous fog keeping everything at a
Distance, slightly
Blurry, too
Distorted to
To get thru that fog, to make it
Dissapate, would be nothing short of a
Miracle. One that he
Wouldn't be able to
We'd all sit
Politely, listen to him,
Wishing we could
Hear him,
Knowing we
Couldn't.  Because he
Wasn't human to us.
Too perfect,  too saintly,  too
The equivalent of the
Mall Santa:
Visible, touchable sure, but that didn't make him any more
Until that day,
That day we talked
1 self-deprecating joke & I learned he
Wanted better hair,  the
Patrick Dempsey kind,
Thick, flowing. His
Desire for that meant he was
Human meant I
Heard, meant the
Fog was still there, but he was
In it,
With me,
Willing to wait for it lift.
He willing to wait, I willing to
He came,
Wielding neosporin, hot chocolate,  
Honeybuns. And
Glorious naivety with a side of
Ignorant hope, the
Best kind of hope, really the
Only kind.
Naivety and hope. That
I inhaled, like
Summertime on a
Paper plate.
jennifer Jun 2015
I stand on the dawn of a new existence,
Dawn of a new
The way it's been
the way it will be
Playing peek a boo with
Soft breeze hitting my shoulder
Feels just like then.
Another breeze carrying scent,
Now I'm there
Cutting lilacs from the bush to bring
One more breeze,
Twisting and dancing with song,
Me floating back to a passenger seat
Singing along, silly and safe
Smile from then moving my lips into the same
Strangers passing, some notice
Guessing what could be making this
Solitary woman smile to
Wind picks up again,
This time it gently pushes a
Wisp of cigarette smoke.
I can see him exhale it, between
Fits, rampages.
Watch it leave it his lips and sit
Stale in the air
Taunting me, teasing me, slithering into my
Baby lungs
Trying to force me to cough, disturb
Him another reason to
Sibling breeze tickles my ear with a man's voice
"Breathe, just breathe"
Back in that room again, radio his co-conspirator,
Hiding my screams with
"Breathe baby" one hit wonder, one hit noone remembers, except me. Thier one hit forever
Entwined with my one virginity,
Stolen by a boy
Breeze has cooled,
It kisses my shoulders, icy
Lips. I feel snow creeping down my neck,
Feel my eyes frantically looking,
Feel my throat trying to yell,
Amazed I can't even get death right,
Wondering what damage was done in the

I'm home, in the now.
Body still damp from shower,
Droplets of water fall from wet hair,
Run down neck
Dissappear under shirt.
Cut off the fan,  enough breeze for one day
News is on, weather up next,
Tomorrow will be warm and windy.
I sigh, curl under blankets, ready for
Retreat into sleep
In the morning I wake, ready for sleepy entanglement.
I make love to the past,
Kiss it goodbye

Dawn turns to day and freshness

— The End —