I don't know what happened, I was feeling down and drinking
Seemed like a good idea. I cracked one open and off to the races
I went, through another binge that I've been there before time
After time again, just me and my selfishness hurting the ones
I love, all because I felt like getting out of myself and change how
I was feeling.

The power has died, nothing left in me.
No words to come by, hardly can't accept what I see.
What's the sins I have held onto, the loneliness is where I'll be?
For into the void of a heartless soul, the sun seems not to shine on me. I can't escape what I'm feeling, hell is a place I've created in my
Surroundings, and the final destination is a ****** up world.

I have come to realize that I'm the biggest hypocrite of them all
Sometimes, more so than I would like, I can't stand myself
I say a lot of good **** but don't back it up, I stay lazy, confined
To these walls of solitude I have created for myself. No one really
Knows the combination, it has taken many many years of changing
The password that I ******* forgot myself. What truth am I trying
To claim, when there is just lies deep down in my soul and the more
I live the more I find out the truth gets blurred by my deception?

So many lies I've been told
It makes me wonder if these
People were misinformed
And they knew no better
But now their words are
Ingrained in my head and
I can't seem to differentuate
Between the lies and the truth

What the ****
Get hit by a truck
That would be my luck
I feel stuck
Pass the buck
And let me die alone
In this old age home
So ****** of what I've sown
It ain't much to be shown
Take the razor to my wrist
And let the note be my final list
Of the **** I should of done
No more wishing under the sun
It has always been number one
Can't find no woman to ***
Has it always been this way
I just want to forget these days
And hope very soon I decay

We sit so quietly
Looking at the t.v.
Listening to music on there
Letting the melodies ryhme
Why don't we have nothing to say?
Are we that insecure?
I'm too old to play games
That much I know for sure
It's a warm beautiful morning
And we're stuck inside
It rained the night before
So the ground is quite wet
We sit on uncomfortable furniture
And let the time pass by
Oh, how slow it is going
Because we have nothing to say
I like it when it is quiet
But this is too quiet that it is piercing
I wish I had something to talk about
But it's best to shut my mouth
And continue to listen to this music

It felt so good
To rise above the hurt
And all of the *******
The drama in my life
Has been vanquished
There is nothing I let
In without my permission
And hope has always
Been there to lift me up
In times I just wanted to
Give up

Drifting by the shore's imaginations
Little creatures crawling into fascination
By the heart of all creation
Monarchs of time's evaluation

Sacred lands at the bottom of the sea
Tiny organisms whisking by endlessly
The darkness fighting with the light's dreams
No where to go but forever and  a day deep

I felt something I never felt before
Was I dreaming or could it be a guiding light?
There I longed to be comforted some more
Rescued by the haziness of the night

It was once dark in here
Only a shimmer of the moon
Not much is really clear
The fog isn't lifting too soon

I cry out to the heavens
I get no response
I feel cold again
I feel lost

Then you appear in my life
Showing me which way I should go
I should call you an angel by this time
But there are many things I don't know

Are you a guiding light
Waiting right by my side
I turn and look into your eyes
Comforted is what I find

The darkness has no power
You caress my hand
Life is no longer sour
You let me understand

The direction I was going wasn't right
You was there to show me love
I will forever remember your insight
Your touch was soft as a dove

The days are numbered
It feels all the same
Why all the busyness
Just driving me insane
Can't escape the illusion
Of wandering days
Time runs deep
And then slips away

The more you nag
The more I want to leave
Our relatonship has a snag
It's been that way for weeks
You want more of me
I want to break free
And not be like you
Rather be more like me
I want to scream
You have me do everything
I'm not a slave to your needs
But you'll have me sink to you disease
I don't want to go that way
I'd rather be over there today
In a place where I'm wanted
And can be myself
Not what you'll have me to be
If only you could see
How much you're pushing me away
And all I want to do is be myself today

The sun scorched my face
As I mowed a friend's lawn
I must of felt in place
I really didn't feel like a pawn
I had an unselfish motive
It was to be of help
I knew she wasn't able to
So I mowed the green grass
And my selfish side was at
Peace at last for the time being
I thought of someone else for today
And my selfishness went away
My selfishness that has me down
But for today it isn't so noticeable
And it put a smile on my face
Knowing I was of service today

Feeling so out of place
Don't know what to think
It's so easy to give up
And bring about the hate
The ugliness I feel within
I just want to smash this mirror
It's been telling me lies for so many years
Nothing is making much sense
I try so very hard to be considerate
But everything seems too real
I get agitated too quickly
And think too much on how I feel
I don't want to say goodbye
And leave things as they are
If only I could change my mind
And make love come crashing down from afar
I wouldn't be where I'm at
And I wouldn't have to wish upon a star

Why are you so upset with me
Is it something I said or did
It seems like I put my foot in my mouth
Everyday like I don't even care
But I do care and want you to be happy
I want the very best for you
Our love seems like it is fading
I don't understand it anymore
It was once like a mountain breeze
Strong and not taken lightly
Now as years has gone by
It seems like raindrops in our head
Always a storm brewing within our home
I don't want it to end this way
But if I have to go then I will
I don't want you to be miserable anymore
And it seems like the sight of me puts you on edge
Where did our love for each other go
Has it just faded into the night sky
Darkness taking over our very being
And we can't find nothing to agree upon
We struggle to make it another day
I surely don't want it to end this way
But if I gave to leave to make you happy then I will
But my eyes will be filled with a lot of tears
And as I take my last step out of our home
I'll shall forever be missing you

Hello there
Am I going crazy
Or are we all just animals
Prey or predator
Depending on our mood
I know for myself I can be prey
To words and actions of others
I also can be the predator
Out to get you and yours
Everything you hold dear
I shall be waiting over there
You might not make out what is clear
And soon you shall have a lot of fear
Driving you crazy until the very end
Lost in a field of your own tears
Bloodstained by the hatchet in your head
All because of what you ******* said

The beauty lies within
And seemingly outside the realm
Of unexpected experiences
It is there I find hope
A better way of life
By looking back into my past
And realizing it wasn't worth it
But sometimes it was a happy
Medium to a place I like to call darkness

Note to self:
***
Am I here for
Just to die
Just to wither away
Into nothingness
Is it that bleak
Isn't there any beauty
Or is it all darkness
Trying to smother me
Taking it's pain of mine
And killing the things worth while
In life, this ******* up life
That has brainwashed my mind
I read this and that
Trying to find hope
But all I find is disaster
And with it comes torture
Trying to mold me in such a way
But I try not to let it get to me
What I am is so confused
So i write about that confusion
I read about the confusion
So find some meaning
I have found mine
It's in the pen I pick up
And squibble magic on paper
I read the magic of others
And I can relate
Put it on paper
And let imagination spark
And write about life
The ***** little things
That plagues our minds
Speak the truth
And find some meaning
It all begins with you
And the letters within

I don't know what's worth fighting for
It seems like forever and a day I smiled
But I really like to wear this frown
Too much darkness that brings me down
How I do like to revel in the ****
Can't ever seem to forget it
It just makes me ******* smarter
How much this world *****
So many ******* hate me
And it really is what makes me smile
Letting them know I will see it through
******* *******, ain't worth my time
So what the **** am I suppose to do
Is the sun ever going ******* shine
Or am I stuck in this ******* glue
So much pain in my mind
That I want to ******* sue
Kiss my ***, *******
And ******* too
Let them ******* hate me
Because I got them over a barrel
And just because I'm blue
And write about this and that
Mainly how much I want to change
And be a ******* better man today
But it just seems it ain't going that way
I try to ******* behave, but what the hey
The temptations gets to me
So sometimes it's too late
To  watch ******* bleed
They don't know what it's like
To be a ******* like me

Seeing you kiss that guy
Made me so hateful inside
I just wanted to ****
Say goodbye to my will
Was we ever true to each other
I thought we weren't like that
Now it's a matter of time
That I will end up in jail
**** that, **** him and you
Turn the gun on myself
I can't take it anymore
Wishing you were someone else
A woman who wouldn't ******* cheat
But now I'm here beating my meat
And thinking so hard about slicing your throat
Where did I go wrong
Was I ever good enough for you
You should of let me go
Now you're ******* dead
And there is nothing more for me to do
Then take in this pain
And blow out my ******* brains

I can't ******* understand others
I wish I had clarity from my brothers
No, one works in the automobile field
The other is a preacher full of zeal
Wants to save everyone he can see
But they don't want any parts of me

I look at cars passing by
All the hustle and bustle
I am not one who drives
My past is such a trustle
Digging a hole for future events
I'm the one who likes to ******* vent
And all this mechanics can **** ******* ****
Too many ******* around here that take stock
They like to blow **** up your pants
Burn the wheels and let's all dance

I'm not one to believe your belief
I have my own ******* values
They may not be what you'll have me to be
And what I say is, "*******!"
I"ve gone down that road before
And it didn't make any sense
Got ******* baptized caused I was confused
Out there in a world I ******* spent
Now I want blood, it's what I dream of
So many ******* I hate their god
It ain't worth trying to preach to me
I've seen it all on both sides of the ******* fence

I see the glow in your eyes
Oh, how they do shine
It seems like you can see right through me
So many things I want to say to you freely
My tongue is ******* so tightly
It seems like I can't speak
And being around you makes me nervous
If only I could say how I feel about you
It would make these days so much better
But my lips are like they are sealed
Forever shut in it's place
I need encouragement to talk
If only you would take my hand
But it seems like I'm at a lonely walk
I wish you could understand
That I do wish we were together
It would make these days so much better
I would kiss you gently on your lips
let you know everything will be okay
The time we will spend together will light up
And there will be magic in our days
If only I could say one word to you
If only I could say hello

I've been a slave to your misery
So many things I want say to you
I hope you can see it's not that bad
But whatever I say isn't getting through
You have a roof over your head
And food to eat, you can pull down
Your pants and take a **** in peace
You have toilet paper to wipe your ***
Little things exactly like that.
Walking outside and feel a warm breeze
The sensation allows you to be
A part of the air
Seeing birds flying high upstairs
Touching the heavens with their wings
Knowing these moments won't come back
Little things exactly like that
Sitting down and looking at the raging river
Flowing from side to the other
Fish jumping and splashing around
Everything is on track
Little things exactly like that
Holding your daughter's hand
Soaking in the beauty on her face
The smile that comes across her lips
That everything feels at place
Knowing peace is so elusive
But right now there it is
Taking a hold of you
And making little more things
To be thankful for

Inside I'm weary
tired of all the *******
I can't see clearly
A lot of things don't makes sense

Why do I have to ******* complain?
It would be easier for me to shut my mouth
Is it me going ******* insane
Or the world trying to stop my mouth?

So much misery out there
I have it good to think about it
Do people really care
Or is it a sign to **** the innocent?

I struggle with happiness
I want it all from the start
Doesn't everyone deserves it
Or is it just a role to play the part

The day crashes over me
And I stare into the sun
I clearly can see
What I have become

It doesn't take a rocket scientist
To see I'm alone with my thoughts
Trying hard to expel the darkness
I've went through rounds when I fought

My life has become a blank slate
All I have is words on my mind
I have wondered how well I rate
But looking back I've lost ******* time

Take this pain of mine
I don't want it anymore
It's hard to find
The answers at the door

I knock but no one opens it
It's like I'm left in the ******* lurch
How can anyone take this *******
And like we're born to die from birth

I try to let loose the hate
And find a positive way
But sometimes it's just too late
And ******* are about to pay

I speak from the heart
It's all I got
An egnima from the start
Been saved, been bought

Which road to take
I've chosen a lot
Can't find a ******* break
Craziness is the new hot

The choice has always been mine
No one else's are involved in this cosmos
I mold the experience I've felt inside
And it bursts upon the scene with a boast

There was a sound
It pounded my heart
I looked around
And I fell apart

I felt such a pain
It vibrated in my mind
The darkness became light of day
As the sun turned into moon's light

I crossed the threshold of my existence
Looking backwards into the past
There was a days where I was tense
A lot of time to wander at last

What do I say
When the chips are down?
Trying to run away
My smiles became frowns

There was no hope
There was no dreams
There was no life
Just a shell of a man
Trying hard not to go insane

What the **** are we here for
What the hell is our ******* purpose
Do I unlock this ******* door
And kick someone's *** for
Looking at me wrong?

I try too ******* hard to please everyone
But that only gets me into ******* trouble
Everything I say seems like a **** in the wind
It ******* stinks on this side of the track

Growing up with different ideas
Thinking I could go somewhere in life
But fear stole my reflection and replaced
It with ******* stressed out nerves
I tried to love but nothing seemed fair
I don't even think I ******* cared

I got my nerve back with liquor courage
But that just made me ******* mean
I fought and I fought and fought to stay
Alive, hurting others with everything that
Came out of my mouth, never thinking before
I spoke. I still ******* do that, and it gets me
Nowhere

I'm ******* in charge of my mouth but *******
Does it spew out some ******* ****. That's why
I'm going to take this ******* energy and use it
To the way I write. Maybe I can get my *******
Point across and say that we need to believe in
Ourselves and follow our dreams. I see *******
Clearly that we need to **** the negative thoughts
And stand up for freedom of speech. Do it the right
******* way and watch out what I ******* say.
It ain't going to matter if I get shot because I
Couldn't hold back my speech, so I'll put them on
Paper and make my dreams reality.

I wonder what life is all about...


Do we die and go to a heaven or a hell...?


Do our consciousness moves onward, letting go of our
Bodies when it can't survive no longer and we end up
Becoming gods, ruling over our own earth?

Would it be such hard to imagine...


Do we live in our own heaven or our own earth
Right here and right now, trying hard to make the
Days count for something? Does it really matter?
Wouldn' it be insane if when we died we never
Moved forward and there was just total darkness?

Nothingness...


I find it hard to believe but who really knows,
That's why I try hard to make each day count

Everyone is looking down
Staring into their phones
No face to face in and around
So isolated in their homes

What will we do next
Does it bring better communication
Is it a curse or a hex
A bedevilment of our nation

Taking pictures and sending them
Is really cool in my perspective
Is it an original sin
Or does it fall in a good objective

Technology is reaching the stars
Finding knowledge we couldn't find elsewhere
Holding moments of what we are
And taking these unspoken words to new heights

I meant to say something beautiful
But the words wouldn't come out of my mouth right
So many things you have done for me
I have all these feelings I feel for you inside
What am I suppose to say to someone like you?
Is thank you more than enough?
I hope one day I have the intigrity like you do
Maybe if I showed you how much you mean to me
Would make a huge difference in this relationship

I see a thousand tears you've cried
Worrying yourself over a guy like me
I want to wipe them away from your eyes
And tell you that everything will be okay with me
There's no need to worry, I'm a big boy
If I happen to choose wrong I'll pay for it
And there's nothing you can do to save me

The day seem like forever
Forever holding your hand
I don't want to let go
I might lose you in the wind
I shall forever be searching for you
Are you out there my beautiful friend?
We are like shooting stars in the sky
We make a wish and are surprised
That it does come true in time
How can two souls relate
When it seems like we are doomed
Trying hard to discuss the problem in a healthy way
Instead of flying off the handle
There seems like a force keeping us together
Or I would of been alone ages ago
And finding you would of never been in the picture

I go back and forth with my love
Will I ever be content with someone
Or am I doomed to always be searching
For ectasy? And it seems that's what
I'm after, just a host to be filled by
Excitement. It doesn't make much
Sense, the women weren't bad that
Were in my life, I always felt like
Moving on and never gave them
Much of my time. Will I ever be
Satisfied or am I completely out
Of my mind? It feels that way a lot
Of the days, having a beautiful
Woman in my life and not knowing
If she's right. But that has been my
Story, leaving them behind and
Always end up lonely. It's a miracle
That a woman would even consider
Me, let alone be a part of my life.
What happens when the chips are
Down and I have no where to turn
To, am I going to forever make it a
Point to hold back my love and cause
Her to break it off? Or am I going to
Call it quits because I'm confused?
What will that do, except leave me
Out in the cold, always wondering
If it was meant to be?

She wasn't too keen to talk
Better listener than anything else
I would take her for a walk
And she would point out the beauty in things
Over there was a squirrel
Scampering to his or her domain
Over there was a deer
I saw it run through the tall grass
Up above were the white puffy clouds
Can I make out any shapes?
I see an airplane in one of the clouds
A dragon in the other
I see her beautiful face
Who has taught me to be more quiet

I wear a hundred masks in a day
A mask to hide my ill-feelings about myself
Wishing I could turn into someone else
Like the day turns into night and all
Isn't okay with the mirror I look into
Is there anyway to hide my face?
I'll pretend not to show you who I am
Maybe you'll like me better

The days collide with one another
Flying by, flying by, flying by
I turn my head and now I'm older
You can see the wrinkles around my eyes
Does that mean I have wisdom?
I really don't know much about that
I try not to make the same mistake
But who I am is written on my face

A haunting in their eyes
Wanting so badly to stay alive
All they want is something to eat
So they can be able to stand on their feet

I see the signs
Will work for food
The desperation in their minds
Wanting a place of their own too

Out in the cold
Out in the hot sun
They have to be bold
What happens to the little ones?

I see my reflection in the mirror,
The ghost of the past makes my lines unclear.
It is unhelpful to praise my ego,
Though it is what makes me flow.

I see myself trying to find peace,
But choas is more a life for me.
Through the bustle of society,
I choose to make it all I can be.

I find it harder to be kind,
But it does make me feel good.
When I choose to do what's right,
There is more love and brotherhood.

I try not to make myself a phony,
But there are times I fall short.
It's reality to find treasures of the heart,
And become a sensitive being doing his part.

Everyone tells me, "Idle time is the devil's playground."
Maybe I want to play with the devil, insisting on others
To stoop to my level. People want me to bow down to
Them anyway, telling me how I should live my *******
Life day to day. They put ******* stipulations on everything!
Can't smoke, can't drink, can't **** someone might end up
With aids. What the ****?! Can't look at **** nor *******
Can't be this, can't be that, can't have no ******* dreams they
Ain't worth a crap. ****, I'm just a bumb, not worth much
Of anything, I like to *** and pretend I'm a king; smoke a
Cig afterward and do it all over again. *******, if it ever means anything at all, then I guess I'll live in hell, Cause I'm having too much fun as it is.

I crumble beneath
The sea of sorrow
My tears are shed
On the white fluffy pillow
I toss and turn
Trying to fall asleep
But my eyes burn
And there seems like there's no relief

I try to get you out of my mind
But our love we had together seemed right
We made it through thick and thin
Only to come up empty handed in the end
For years we only pretended to like things we did together
I think it was cute how we were trying to be friends

Now we're both wallowing in a sea of sorrow
Things change and we can't seem to get it together
You want it all and I want to move forward
We can't seem like we can agree on anything
How the **** can we ever get on track?
So now it's time to take these tears and hold them back

Taking short cuts in life
That's not what I want to do
But all seems hopeless tonight
I'm crying, trying to keep it
Together without you

You're the best thing that has happened to me
I don't know why I treat you like ****
There's a lot of meanest you haven' t seen
I hold a lot of it back

I don't know if I want to stay
We have another life together
But what would I say
To the Innocent child of ours
That daddy is selfish
He's not a very good man
How can I get over this
And make the right decision?

What course do I take?
You shouldn't of put me on a pedestal
It's hard to not to stay
I've made all the wrong choices
And there's not one thing I would change
What does that about me?
How ignorant I can be?
And just down right ******* stupid

There's a thin line between love and hate
What to give away before it's too late
My life is at a stand still, no hope in the wind
Everything seems so stale, even words are dead

I can't see the light
Farther into the night
The darkness reigns in
The terror begins

Falling far from grace
Further into the waste
Tortured in the soul
Don't have no where to go

Trying to find the key
Life is a mystery
The day turns into mud
Oh, how I have become numb

The day is flawed
No time for you
The answers are raw
Letting the hours slip askew

You want to be by my side
It seems like 24 seven
The day isn't saying much
Only to touch a part of heaven

I want to tell you everything is okay
But you can see the truth in my eyes
I reach for divinity in the day
Only to find hell by my side

I've been such an idiot
Thinking I can forgive you
I try to run through it
In my mind and there is no clue
Of how much you can be blind

I don't accept how things are
I've come too far to realize the
Truth gets blurred, trying
To reach from my gut and live
A better life

I don't need you to explain
What happened was insane
There isn't nothing you can say
That would make a change

I don't know that's why you are
Living on higher plain, but I say
**** your pretending of living
The "Right way".  It's all *******
Nonsense to me, I don't want your
Religion if that's how I'm going
To turn out to be

My life seems so much ******* better than I ever thought it was. I try to be ******* positive but there is so much **** out there that isn't. I try to have a positive outlook on life but what the **** is right when I turn on the news and see ******* killing each other and ending life. Who are you to ******* decide to take out someone but if I was in your position I probably do the same thing. There are so many ******* that need to be hung, a bullit put to their brain and their blood spilled all over the rug.  **** it, shoot them out on the pavement,  line them up and have a firing squad blow them the **** away. I want to be like a serial killer, so many ******* that need to be dead today. I see them walking the streets, I hear it on the radio, turn on the news, I see them taking advantage of me and you. Getting rid of the nuisance would be so much better.

I can't set you free
That's not how it works
I am only one among many
So much to do it hurts

I can't capture a moment
And filter it out for you
So many people can be spent
So much anger it's true

The days are long and unimpressive
Sick of all of the short cuts in life
I try to be one who is decisive
But it can't change the picture in your mind

Here comes a long list of things to undo
Unravel the past and make the future right
If only my faith wasn't stuck like glue
I would be able to set matters right

I would be able to set you free...

It hard to see
How much of an
Idiot I can be
But in hindsight
I'm such a fool
Can be really rude
Need guidance in life
I reach for the stars
Discipline isn't that far
I need all the good energies
To provide solutions for me
And when I stay quiet
Breathe in the positive forces
The necessary power is there
For me not to live like the fool

Forever hungry for knowledge
Spiritual guidance I seek
Making a religion out of nothing
Trying hard to stay meek

Searching for the key
The answers are above
Holding onto what I believe
Knocking on doors with love

The darkness can't smother me
I won't turn out into the monster
I know I can be.  So much darkness
In my soul, I need to break my hold
And fly with the angels.

The monster is in my head
Waiting patiently to explode
For years it has plagued me
Into submission, I need to let
Go and fly with the angels

I look around and see the
Beauty in things, so much is there
The monster deep within can't
Take that away from me

Only if I let it...

I sit outside
I stare up at the sky
And ponder who's in charge
I know it's not me
I've taken great pains to see
How wrong I can be
I try to choose what's right
It's so much better than not to
I want to live a better life
So much better than I have been doing
I trace my problems to the past
So much **** that I have said
And done has a fingerprint on my mind
Telling me I'm better off being on the good side

There's a devil on my shoulder
An angel on my other one
Weighing me down like a boulder
Lifted up like the rising of the sun
What course do I take?
Is it that hard to decide?
Karma has giving me a break
Telling me I'm better off being on the good side