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Jake McKowen May 2020
i regret all the times i said leave me alone
you put up with a lot and asked for so little
a little love a little time
a little something from me

but any time i was stressed
or bored or
upset or

you wanted attention i should have known how to give
all i had in me was Leave Me Alone
Leave Me Alone Leave Me Alone
Leave Me Alone and i regret it because

i didn’t actually mean it
to happen but
you did
Dec 2018 · 191
September, 2018
Jake McKowen Dec 2018
The stubs of my fingernails are chipped and broken from trying to hold on to you.

Clawing desperately at the rug you ripped out from under me.

I’m just not feeling this.

I was planning my life around you babe. But that scared you. I get it.

It wasn’t about me, what scared you was us. I’m seeing me as too stable.

I get it; im not exciting. But babe I’m here. Babe I’m here.
There was more, but I can’t.
Sep 2017 · 148
It's one of those nights
Jake McKowen Sep 2017
(When I go to bed hungry and
Worried

Because I only had six beers and
How

The **** am I supposed to sleep?) without
you.
May 2017 · 162
But Really
Jake McKowen May 2017
There is this
Conundrum in my head

Where I say:
If your profile reads

"I'm so good,"
You probably aren't.

But I try
To convince you

I'm so good.
Dec 2016 · 363
The Last Time
Jake McKowen Dec 2016
To my face you said 'Take out your anger.' I did
But now I'm pretty sure you were already with him

I told you I'd finish fast and I
did.

I had a lot then, but now I have so much more
And don't know what the **** I should do with it.
Dec 2010 · 827
A Desire Grew In Him
Jake McKowen Dec 2010
A desire grew in him to be elsewhere
So he left those sickly streets and flew far, farther.
Farther even than the sunset and then he sat
He sat until the desire grew again and then he rose.

Heart pounding, but feet sitting firm
A desperate cast to the recesses of memory,
Baiting that sense of home,
The feeling grew big, bigger, even bigger still

Until still he could sit no longer.
So he turned and turned and turned, turning
Like a clock spinning in time-lapse over a cheesy montage,
Turned in on himself and just turning on himself.

Looking to himself and finding lack
Coming to himself and realizing the lack was love.
Heart-tearing, world-renting
A desire grew in him to be someone else.
© Jake McKowen, 2010
Jul 2010 · 2.1k
The Life of the Party
Jake McKowen Jul 2010
It's easy to be the
Life of the party.
You just drink more
Than everyone else.

You just tell funnier
Jokes and make more
Cups in beer pong but
Always finish your side-beer.

You be the one always
Yelling for more shots
And know all the rules
To kings cup.

You always lose
Never-have-I-ever,
And you're the go-to
Man for flip cup.

People talk about you
When you aren't there
"He drinks too much
But **** he's awesome."

When they want low-key,
You aren't invited.
But you have your
Other parties anyway.

Slam back beers
Red faced groggy eyed
Throw up just to
Start over again.

Drive home still drunk
To wake up still alone
And do it all
Over again.

Yeah, its easy to be
The life of the party
When you're the
Only one there.
© Jake McKowen 2010
May 2010 · 566
American Spirit
Jake McKowen May 2010
Contentment is such a fleeting state
Take a drag

Feeling like all is right until
Exhale

Wondering sets in and you question each choice
Ash it

Reading through coulda, shoulda, woulda,
Inhale, exhale, ash

Pointless exercises are just circles, really
But the thoughts travel the well worn road to
Niccotine stains.
© Jake McKowen 2010
May 2010 · 1.5k
Buckle Up
Jake McKowen May 2010
The empty seatbelt flashes the Sun
An s-o-s
Into my eyes as if
I needed a reminder that

You aren't there.
© Jake McKowen 2010
May 2010 · 628
Doing Happy
Jake McKowen May 2010
Sometimes I realize I don't
Do happy very well
And when I'm really trying I
See that you can tell.

You give me the look you
Used the other day
When you **** your head to ask
Babe, are you okay?

I want so bad to break down
But inside I know
You need me to be strong so
Both of us can grow.

So I summon my inner actor
And give my smile a shine
I lie in your eyes and say
Yes, lover, I'm doing fine.
© Jake McKowen, 2010
May 2010 · 516
Untitled
Jake McKowen May 2010
When my own words fail its
A leaf falls or
Maybe my hour of lead.

When I don't know what next it's
Follow the frosty poet down
The path less traveled by

Those mice that have grown wilder
Reflect my thoughts when
My own words fail.
Dunno how to go about saying this is mine when there are lines stolen straight from my favorites. Robert Frost, Nick Flynn, ee cummings, and Emily Dickinson know how to get me through the rough days.
May 2010 · 554
On Breaking Broken Hearts
Jake McKowen May 2010
I've been called a tease, sometime heart-breaker.
I never wanted to break yours 'cause
I know hearts are like fine ceramics.

Repaired, you can still see the cracks.

Baby, your cracks are chasms. So what are mine?
I'm afraid to do this because
I know you'll lose a piece or two.

And I know you'll lose your peace, too.

Pots missing pieces don't hold things well.
I promise, you held me just fine.
I need you to know this isn't what

I want to do to you.

There are few things I want more
Than to see you happy.
There's no rhyme or rhythm.

And I'm sorry.
© Jake McKowen, 2010
May 2010 · 517
Pet
Jake McKowen May 2010
Pet
You're a puppy
That's been kicked into a wolf.
I want to house-train you.
But wolves don't play fetch very well.
© Jake McKowen, 2010
May 2010 · 1.1k
Stay Up Late
Jake McKowen May 2010
Stay up late, pushing past exhaustion into perfection of perception.
Understanding of self is essential for this existential extollment.
Extollment? I meant extinguishment. Can't convey if I'm projecting.
Stream of conciousness leads to extreme unconciousness.
Writing without pushing, thinking, or stopping. Only feeling.
Or am I knowing more than I'm feeling? Do I even know what I feel?
No knowing noes the feeling of thoughts fought back, you know.
Liar.
I don't know if noing frees the feelings pushed back from focused thought.
Was that even a sentence? Know!
Do freed thoughts flee? Where to? How so? What then?
No.
© Jake McKowen, 2010
May 2010 · 516
Hurt so Good
Jake McKowen May 2010
Can't write- words won't come.
Why did I leave? Why can't I go?
Where?

Can't quit- brain won't stop.
I gave it up. I ****** it up.
Why?

Just leave- go away now.
It was too good. Just wasn't too real.
What?

Don't know- can't describe it.
Just a feeling. It hurts so good.
How?

Like pins- sharp, tiny ones.
Poking here, there. Pricking everywhere.
Oh.
© Jake McKowen, 2010
May 2010 · 526
cantstopwontstop
Jake McKowen May 2010
Brain racing, wors falling (or is it flowing?). *******.
Hand writing (righting?) the wrongs I've made.
Pen (pin?) scratching words on flesh that doesn't seem to feel.

Dog scratching (stretching?) after fleeing (fleaing?).
I don't know (care?) where it (I?) went wrong.
We loved (love?) each other.

We moved away (apart?) but not on.
When will (can?) it end?
It won't. It won't. It won't.

This doesn't end, this love (lust? loss?) we share.
We lay (lie?) alone together, apart together, in sin together.
In awe together.

Do you think (obsess?) about me?
This love is real (real?)
Cantstopwontstop. Why?
© Jake McKowen, 2010
May 2010 · 577
2880
Jake McKowen May 2010
Look down this street
With only a handful of houses
And my eyes land on 2880

It's a weird number considering
There aren't that many feet
On the street. Oh how my
Feet loved that street.

But weird is apt; we had
A weird love like a praying mantis.
Only I'm unsure who fed on whom.

We fed each other.
With lies and love we gorged ourselves
And then came back for more.

I ate you every night,
But never really got full.
Parasite or symbiote: it's a fine line.

Fine was good for a while
Like ramen in college
You got me through.

Your dogs were my dessert
And I spooned you all the
Sweetness I could muster.

But it was still under-saturated
I'm sure. 2880 made me
Mrs. Child feeding you my love.

But we both share dissordered eating.
Wanting more than we'll take or give
A car ride with only a hand held.

I guess going back for seconds was a bad idea
But I really loved the buffet.
You're moving on, and staying put when

I can't stand still except to sit
Outside 2880 is where I tell myself
I'll quit going back for more.

Guilty glutton; it's what I am.
I don't know when to stop.
I can't forget 2880.

I don't know how to end
Anything that I begin
Turns into a run-on when I run in.

Cold turkey is the way to go
Grandma did it, but she had more
To lose more to love and less
Time to love it.

I was broken before 2880,
And managed to fix myself
While breaking your house

That I love. It's how
I do: break when enter.
Small bites are easier to swallow.
© Jake McKowen, 2010
May 2010 · 564
On Losing Things
Jake McKowen May 2010
We talk so much about
Who we’ll lose it to or
How it’s going to happen and
We pretend to really care.

But in the end it’s just some
Thing we’ve lost to some
One we’ll lose, too.

He’ll take your trust in men,
She’ll make you see they 
Really aren’t so bad after
All. The things we let people do.

Do I wish we had
Not done it that way that
Maybe things should have
Been different?

It’s not like I wanted it
To be all planned out.
And when it happened
With him I couldn’t
Have been any happier could I?

After all, we all lose
People or things or ideals
Or trust. That we can never
Give back again.

So what makes this one thing
So important? So big to give
It up to someone we’ll lose
When we know we’ll lose
It all anyway?

— The End —