I always liked storms
so I chased after you, and
danced under your rain

I chase you like a dog,
relentless, unwavering,
with legs that tire
but never stop,

fueled by a never-ending desire
to be loved.

My eyes see past your soul,
piercing the depths of your being,

I've become a secondary character
in my own movie,
obsessing over your every move,
every breath.

You're the director,
and I want to be a star,

but alas, I'm just a pawn
on the board,
my heart beating to the rhythm
of your name,

a prisoner of my own passion.

A discomfort that manifests through a plethora of delusions
Torturous thoughts brutalizing my mind like brain contusions
Causing an endless cycle of suffering and confusion
Sifting through the lies, misunderstandings, and illusions
Chasing the light in the darkness praying for it’s diffusion
A razor blade or a bullet are the only solutions

I’m sailing near the fringes of happiness and despair
Along the river of misery where our souls are stripped bare
On the border of the ignorant who live life without a care
And the knowledgeable hanging from nooses painfully aware
It’s a tumultuous journey to the light bringers lair
And should not be undertaken lightly so you must beware
Of all the deceit, misinformation, traps and snares

Self reflection is a dark wooded path filled with lynched souls
A forest of decaying dreams, aspirations, and goals
Endless entrances and passageways to endless rabbit holes
Demons feasting upon children without restraint or control

They say on the other side there’s sunshine and pastures of green
Crystal clear waters and ceremonies where angels convene
Blue sky’s and warm weather where everyone’s just peachy keen
But all I foresee is warfare, cancer victims, and ruptured spleens
Genocide, systematic **** and all things obscene

The changing of the seasons
Affects my fickle mood
I'm running out of reasons
To drink water or eat food
I'll just ignore the demons
With the screen to witch I'm glued
There is no hope nor beacon
Just suffering to be viewed
After my soul's been beaten
Dripping blood and black and blue
No answers from the deacon
No solution from the pews
No serotonin secretion
Caused by that ****** Mary shrew
So I wait for the completion
Of my spring and winter blues.

Entry ~
You were the first man that ever broke my heart. It was the day I was born. You held me in your arms and made me a promise that would rip us both apart. You promised to love me unconditionally from the start. But time passed and over the years those words faded from your heart. In the presence of a war when you had one foot out the door. There are vacancies in my memories where a father should have played a part. Like teaching me to drive a car, or telling me don't believe boys that say I love you from the start. Instead, I looked at every boy with tears in my eyes and willingly accepted every single lie, thinking maybe if I part my thighs they'll learn to love how broken I am inside, but they never do. Just like you they leave without a single clue and I'm left alone, used, wishing my daddy would have loved me too. And I'm not writing this to blame you, or break you, or tell you I hate you. I've made mistakes too. Ones deeply rooted in my relationship with you. And I get that maybe you didn't have a clue that your daughter was struggling in the world without you. But I relied on you to set the standard for boys I would let into my heart. By the time I was sixteen, I felt like a tortured piece of art. I learned to love myself of course. Over the years of ripping myself apart I learned to chart the darkness in my own heart. I don't blame you anymore for my broken parts. I'm healed from being angry at you. I'm writing this to tell you I'm sorry for failing you, and I'm sorry you failed me too.

Dear Daddy,
Do you know what these men say to me?

With their
eyes and their mouths
when I walk on the street.

With a grin and a nod
and a look up and down.
A wink and a kiss
and a cat call heard from downtown.

With my skirt short
and my top
low,
It’s a cold world daddy
and no
doesn’t mean no.

Daddy do you know
how these men look at me?

Like I’m a piece of meat
strutting down the street?
With my head buds in
and my favorite song on.

I’m asking for it Daddy,
I’m in the wrong.

Do you know how it feels
not to wear what I like?

To walk a little faster
when I’m alone at night?

Daddy the world is my predator
and I am it's doe,
Daddy what happens
when I can’t say no?

Thou shalt follow me,
Be with me 'til eternity,
Turn into someone I want you to be,
With my decree thou shalt obey me 

Thou shalt be envious,
Like a culprit get what you want to use,
Live with thy desire,
Happiness of others you should acquire

Thou shalt be gluttonous,
Like a pig go and be voracious,
Satisfy your hunger and rapturous cravings,
Drinking and eating what you want is never sating

Thou shalt live with lust,
Like a tigress in bed you must,
Embrace the desire you have within,
Coquettishly caress and savour someone's skin

Thou shalt be wrathful,
Like darkness let it manifest your soul,
Hatred shalt flow violently in your blood,
With thy anger sins shalt flood,

Thou shalt live with thy pride,
Never ever let thyself subside,
Walk with your pretty cruel soul conceited,
Shalt not let thyself be defeated

Thou shalt be greedy,
Like me love thy life acquisitively,
Have the excessive desire to take what you don't need,
Earn what you want no matter if you exceed

Thou shalt live like a sloth,
Do nothing just lay at your couch,
Survive like a narcoleptic man,
Just sit down and hope that something will be done