propped up against my windowsill
with a slice of cold pizza
watching the cars below
play
green
     light
          go

and wishing my thoughts
would stop playing too

It stays in my view,
so long after
almost a comedy
at this point
but darker
the laughs,
forced
through clenched teeth.
Sightless,
staring at the sky
the dreams ended
of faith
of love
of family
and friends
1 small projectile
aimed true,
tearing out
lungs
and air
and blood,
by me.
I lose no sleep
not now
not then
not ever.
I exulted
at the time
joyful in his miss
and my success
and my life
and my future.
Looking back,
my regrets lie only in
the wasted time and effort
the lack of positive use
of my gift
and my life
for all of these years.
Of that, yes,
I'll apologise.
Not for my aim
or his miss
or his blood
on my hands.
you'd have to be there
to understand
the joy
and the rush
and the addiction
to cheating
death itself.
Again
I offer no apologies
nor regrets
at a soul
added to the chain.

In MY sleep,
not yours,
I travel places,
black,
with their blood
and dying.
You don't know,
you can't know,
and you'll never
join me.
They're as real
as the light
in the daytime,
to me,
at least,
and that's
all
that
counts
you know.
I go there
I see it,
painted on
the inside
of my eyes.
For the rest
of my
life,
in MY sleep,
I travel.

I faced you once,
long ago
surprised at who you were
more surprised
at who
you were NOT.
No black cloaked
faceless ghost,
pointing a bony claw at me,
but a woman,
luring me to her bed.
Her soft bed,
so very soft
and warm,
and with you in it.
A temptress,
not a thief,
as I'd always
seen you in
my mind.
Who knew
the call
would be
a whisper
not the
cackling cries
of an old crone
echoing in the dark.
But I faced you then
and refused your offers
and many times since.
I enjoyed too  much
proving others wrong,
who saw me dying young,
yet died before me.
I smile at that,
not wishing them dead,
but not sorry either,
glad to watch them go.
I smile on every awakening
and the surprise
it brings to so many
and go on
about
my days.
I won
this game
already.
I'll give you
your kiss
when ready
and I'll determine
that
the when and the
end.

The black air above my head sends me a smile
I smile back
As I think of tea parties
and a Cheshire cat

There is something stronger than tea in my cup
I stumble a bit as I wait for the wind to knock me completely over again
I've grown so thin
I can't eat
I'd rather just drink
and not sleep

I spent my last bit of sense
with my last bit of cents
on two cans of PBR
aka Pabst Blue Ribbon
I paid with some silver change
and a handful of pennies
Dad, are you proud of me now?

I feel you crying every time I take a drink
I'm ending up like you, at least that's what I think
Maybe if you hadn't put a gun in your mouth
I wouldn't be killing myself like this
And both of us would have a chance in this place

his words take my breath away
his stars are not my stars
and there are worlds in-between

so i come back and i sit
and trace all the letters
slow, slow

i let my heart wander
just far enough
to feel the mountain air

singing feels like flying
from the pines
on the mountain

his words take my breath away
and i don't mind much

I didn't change I just woke up
Zoomed in my soul for a close up

So many years it was all wrong
Inside my own body I didn't belong

I succumbed to the fear filled in the air
I acted right and never missed a prayer
I played it safe with great effort and care
But all I could feel was constant despair
Playing it safe was getting me no where

Then one moment that was just like any other
Beauty I never thought I'd discover
I realized my soul was my greatest lover

It's hard to explain how this inner peace feels  
or the type of sensations that it starts to reveal

But you find that the common desires are fake
Distractions that keep you from being awake
We are so scared we might make a mistake
We don't even realize our journeys at stake

If we can just master how to let go
Never stop learning. continue to grow
Let go of everything you may think you know
Rid of the excess and you start to glow