When you saw your brothers' chests ripped open,
Did you exile the cross from yours?
When you sliced the screaming German's flesh,
Did you devour his body of Christ?
When you stared at God from the narrow grave,
Did you see him with his back turned?
When you heard the firing squad on your desertion,
Did you listen to the call of His will?

When you slumped to the ground, drained of ichor and soul,
Did you meet Him? Did you forgive Him?

The feeling is lead.
Stubborn,
It sits in my chest.
I remind myself
Not to dare name it.
I remind myself:
If you name it,
It becomes real.
Suddenly, people will see it.
Label you for it.
It will define you.

I ignore it
When I can.
Suppressing him
As best as possible.
Still, he manages to
Shrink me.
******* me.

He strains my knees.
Curves my back.
Hangs below my eyes.
I plead with him.
Beg him.
Try to compromise.
But this thing is
Deaf,
Dumb,
Simple—
He is oblivious.

He lacks understanding.
Incessantly, he fails
To recognize
My pain;
Perpetual discomfort.
Unaware, he forces me;
Knees ******,
Crawling to my vices.

Frequently
I drown him.
Hold his head low.
Well at the bottom of the
***** reservoir
That accumulates
Each night in my gut—
I drink one
After the next.
My hand never
Leaves the glass;
If I can help it,
The glass never
Leave my lips.
Until finally my world—
Our world
Falls below the, thick, black,
***** soaked veil.


Often
I choke him;
With thick, grey,
Clouds of smoke.
The clouds burn
Deep in my lungs
Lifting the burden
From my chest,
Back, knees.
For a minute
My mind isn’t
So crowded.
For the moment
I feel relief.

Some nights
I numb myself
With casual company.
Women,
Who like I,
Are acquainted with he.
For a moment
We might distract
One another—
In that moment
There’s sometimes bliss
Temporary,
Fleeting,
Transient—


But undoubtedly,
Bliss…

i want to be held the way our galaxy holds the earth
there once was a boy that held me how the sky holds a sunset orange
beautifully
but temporarily
i painted his edges in soft watercolors, wrote his mistakes in gentle calligraphy, made something hurtful turn into something healing
he loved her more
and let me go
and now i find myself looking at someone else from the corner of my eyes, wondering if a tiny, flickering feeling can be valid at all among the fire of my others
i hear a requiem for a dream and my heart flutters like it did two years ago
two years
i want to be held like the galaxy holds the sun, the stars, the earth,
in a delicate orbit
a bright light in dark space