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jas Dec 2017
why
why would you leave us
why would you leave me
i'm all alone now
feelings are creeping
crying on my knees
i beg to god , please
get me thru this
get me a fix
get me something to get over
one last kiss

guess you never cared
my heart you can't repair
no , not anymore
not when my chest hit the floor
left me helpless
when you walked out the door

& i don't understand how life worked out
i never gave a doubt
about us
about love
about our trust
why couldn't i realize you didn't give a ****

so now i'm stuck
i'm on my own
a new milestone
don't call me anymore
i won't pick up the phone
if you wanted to leave then stay gone

gone with the wind
gone till the end
gone from my life
something you can't mend
something you can't fix
or even comprehend
we were never more then friends

i should've known
i shoulda seen the signs
that our love died
& so i cry
while i write these lines
remembering all the good times
everything that you left behind

was me.
jas Dec 2017
sometimes a person shows interest in you. "you look beautiful today" & so those simple words make you fall . fall for him or perhaps it's the idea of him. he smells good , you ask to borrow his jacket so you can feel secure as if your wrapped up in your own little cocoon , filled with nothing but him & you. your safe now , nothing could get to you.  his lips are sweet and soft. kisses you so gently that eagerly you want more. that look in his eyes.that look that made you understand the saying 'the eyes are doors to the soul'  for sure you knew this could be real , how could it not? he took you out , you met his friends & showed you off as you would vicariously have make out sessions right in front of them. but you didn't care bc you were in love. young love. young naive love. but than that's the idea of him. bc he leaves you and your heartbroken. your clothes drenched from the tears he left behind. how could he? just leave like nothing. to forgot all that's happened over a few months. but if you take a step back than you would have noticed. how walking hand in hand down the street , smiling & laughing but too much to notice he'd be eyeing all the girls that walked by. or was it at that party where you searched for him after coming back from the restroom only for him to say he also went to the restroom. but clearly you would have seen him , wouldn't you? but you were naive. and so you trusted him. nothing could go wrong. but when did things start acting strange? & so you relive every night you went out. or fought. or kissed. or was it after ***? that's when he stopped all of the little things. & maybe you did notice he wasn't that into you anymore. so you gave him more ***. thinking that would make him stay. in his mind you were old news already. tiresome. & he was ready for a new fling. & you were left to pick up the pieces that he had broken.

he had broken you, into two.
jas Dec 2017
its dreamy ,Christmas eve
all these presents that I cant believe
could never be for me

its dark
truly a silent night
above all,  I never let out a fright
alone

holidays and such
so I say tis the season
but im leaning on a happy ending
that's not mine

Santa baby
I know you hear me
I'm begging you please
its Christmas eve
and im alone
if someone could answer the phone
than maybe
i’d have a chance to be with you
jas Dec 2017
sickness in me
you resemble a disease
makes me
******
a bit queasy
the needles slippery
yet I need to feed
to bleed
to feel needed
even if this feeling is uneasy

you make me sick
like a disease
I beg for at my knees
a mere touch
a peculiar taste

I find myself wasting away
at the bottom of an ashtray
burnt out
exhumed with fumes
beginning of a drought

with this disease
in pursuit of a vaccine
ending of deceit
and a desire to feel complete
jas Dec 2017
(cont..)

perhaps you know my friend misery
me & her have quite the history
although i only met her last year
i've known her all my life , i fear
i cannot seem to get out of bed
i'm hanging on , just barely , by a thread
i cannot seem to get the **** out of bed
to start the day , wondering , how long is it going to dread?

i'm quiet so nobody notices
they say i'm tired
ha , prbly hungover
don't worry this feeling will pass over
well you wanted to drown me in drugs
surely i got it
with depression
how could you not notice?
when you were my bestfriend?
& now i wish everyday that it would end

everyone around me
living happily
& than there is me
drowning
my mom says 'why are you such a drunk?
you drink everyday
get outta this funk'
well mom , i drink to take the pain away
i wish i could tell you straight to your face
i'm on a drug i do not wish to take
but i fear you will guilt me & say my words are fake
'you drink for your own ***** sake'

how could i tell you i'm living like this?
how could i tell anyone?
i sit back , & i wonder where did all this start?
did it start with my abusive father
or the one who left before i was born
did it start when people brought me down
& said i wasn't good enough?
i turned & looked to god
yet i still felt lost

but i know i'm tough
laid up in a world so tough
& so here's me living with depression & anxiety
hand in hand
that's quite a hoax
but here's to a part of me i've never told
here's a part of me that you never knew
jas Dec 2017
-

i've been meaning to do a tell all story
but the question is idk where to start
how on earth could i open up my heart
it's been chewed on and spit on
ripped apart
what is it that you wish to seek?
to find out about me
all the impleasant things
or perhaps the simplicity
the countless days i've cried myself to sleep
crying on the inside , looking out
the abundance i have of self doubt
how i cannot stand to be in large crowds
how i open my mouth
i try to speak but the words do not come out
i do not make a sound
i'm quiet as a mouse

cold sweat drips down my face
all eyes on my
this isn't my place
so i quickly hide in that dark corner of a space
or do you only want to see what you distinguish of me?
i lay on a smile so thick
you wouldn't believe
all the contemplation scrambling in my head
call me a forgery if you will
but you don't get to put me in my place
tell me to stand still
"if your feeling down take some advil
or should i get you a prescription perhaps a refill"
oh honey , please tell me another joke
the words slither down out of your mouth
do u hear yourself speak?
yet you do not choke
& that is only one part of me
you do not know
anxiety helplessness hiding
jas Dec 2017
you were just a distraction
I needed you so I could look away
so I could be at peace
if just for awhile
because once your gone
you go with my smile

the world falls apart around me
im suffocating yet im still breathing
how is that possible
to feel broken and nothing at all

so yes, ill take my distraction
ill take it so gracefully
put you in my pocket and pick you out only when I need you the most


in the midst of it all, I turned my face away for just a second
and your gone
disappeared into thin air
I try to see but its vision is cloudy

and when I take a step back
I open my eyes
even my mind
and the distractions that once took over my life
have also disappeared
such like you
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