she enthralled me with her orange hazy glow
that golden yellow singing chorus
made me think last night if I actually saw a rainbow
oh how unfair the broken are.

she broke last night asking me,
"why can't I cry like you?"
I replied, "because you have more breakthroughs
it makes you stronger. I'm just weak."

well, now I'm getting a look into her life
but I don't want to.
get me away.
this hits too close.

i know that when you eat 13 more pills than your body is used to, it will freak out and land up in the ICU where you will fight against yourself to stay alive. and that's no easy ****, i also know that when you did this the first time you were a lot healthier than you are now.

i know that last night i came to the most tragic epiphany ever. when i was a kid, i watched my mom turn herself into a puppet as a hand went across her face, fast, and i would turn my brain off into a different world. and then it became toxic. i began imagining the pretty little 80lb girl slicing her pinkie-wrapped-wide wrist in order to look pretty. and by 5th grade, i developed an eating disorder.

i know that if i wasn't abused, i may have actually stood a chance to make something of myself.

i know that i have an issue with denial around my anxiety and the crippling level of it. i know i'm downplaying. i know i hurt. i know.

i know that if i hadn't fallen in love with trauma and ******-up **** to make me aesthetic and pretty, we'd be in a different place.

when i say
'things will be okay,'
i mean that things will eventually work out
that doesn't mean life is going to become perfect, no
but it does in fact mean that the things you're worrying about
right now
will be okay
they will become memories
and you'll forget about the time you were so stressed for finals you didn't eat for 48 hours
things will be okay
you'll forget about what it was like to turn 17 when you were 18
and you'll never remember your favorite song as a 1st grader
on December 13th
you just won't
and for that
things will be okay

i got really high this morning
and it feels like I cheated on recovery
it feels like I ripped my sobriety from my cold dead high hands
I'm listening to lil peep again
and I feel like I'm actually going bad again
I didn't care for my broken tender wounds yesterday
and I broke down into a beautiful pile of sadness
and there i layed
for a miserable, deadly, slow 5 hours until i
fell into a deep sleep
and i woke up this morning and cheated on recovery

i'm breathing
in and out
out and in
in and out
I'm breathing to resuscitate my lungs
i just came from a date with a panic attack
we freaked out together and
flashed back to good ol'
narcan time.
breathing is hard.
but this is a new time
a new start
to see how long i can go