i hope you travel to lots of places
places you favorably call home
places that make your bones hum in enjoyment
places that ring of heartbreak
places that radiate joy
and sparkle and singe in awe and amazement
I hope you see things on your travels
that restore faith in humanity
that make you scream from rooftops
that make you feel that you're one with life and love
I hope you meet people that make you feel beautiful and raw
I hope you meet others that define heartbreak
I hope you experience sadness
and joy, and rage
along with euphoria and sonder
there is so much out there to see
and smell
and experience
and taste
and hear
I hope you go to concerts that make you
feel so in the moment you can't imagine anything out of this one feeling
I hope you do everything and so much more
I hope you hear new music
and live life.
i hope you live this beautiful mess of a thing we call life.

i'm not sound
i'm not stable
i still feel irrational and anxiet-ied nearly 99% of the time
it doesn't help i've had a seizure and have an MRI scheduled
with IV sedation which includes fentanyl
which i am a recovering addict
so this ****'s ******* S c a r Y
i feel sick to my stomach thinking of it
and it's not for another 23 days
but
i also have an EEG scheduled
and that's scary too
because
anxiety
and
mental health

and so i will sit here
and type out my feelings
while somehow being vaguely manic

breathe dylan
i need you to breathe

dude
you're being stupid
shut the **** up you little *****
you're being irrational
nobody likes an irrational person

therefore
nobody likes you
and you will die alone
everything in your life leading you to this moment is utter ******* and make no sense
so just go do something else
and stop being stupid

but
but but

i found someone who actually
like
likes me for me
and respects me and my brain before my body
and it's beautifully strange but somehow familiarly heartwrenching

i don't like it
i don't like feeling this way

and my brain
working this way

so i will continue to write
until my music or brain thoughts stop
which is a hard question to see which will end first

**** is this really my future?

When the feelings subside...
From the negative self talk to the self-hatred.
From the disordered eating to depression and anxiety.
From trauma to substance abuse.
When all of that and more subsides...

I will listen to "The Only Thing" by Sufjan Stevens. I will lay on my back looking up at the ceiling, debating all that's whole in the world. I will turn my head to see a human looking back at me, as to remind me i'm so much more than myself in a world that beckons to hear me.

When the feelings of
guilt, shame, and self-loathing subside
and the light seems to shine over a trillion clouds
with a small smile from the heavens
-if i were the poet to believe in heaven-

i will draw with my favorite pen
and write a letter to someone i once despised
yet never send it
because **** actual feelings
and **** spending money on stamps

when the feelings of disgust and squirminess
decide to run away,
and i'm left with a black hole of anger

i will simultaneously cry and scream while running away
from everything i once believed
i will block a person or two, feeling utter regret
rant about three more times,
and return to the life i call home.

hi i'm dylan
king of nervous thoughts
today's nervous thought is brought to you by
trauamaticmemories.com
in which we remember the overdose and precipitating events
leading in towards the overdose
and we second guess every good that's happened since then
and so stimulants naturally make dylan paranoid
so you'd think without them, he wouldn't be...
well, it's still emotional withdrawal peak time,
so the paranoia is in full blast
~
so why do i deserve good things?
like, what's so special about the good things i experience?
~
it makes me heartbroken that such a thought
can exist
while being tremendously content
and holding the person i'm falling in love with
~
i feel shame
for having done things
that are in my past
that i have to sit with at night
i keep trying to run away from that,
but it keeps haunting me at night
~
like phantom limb syndrome
i will still feel the addict nerve endings shift and grind
against the proactive, recovery-oriented, lovely nerves,
and it will HURT.
~
i will squirm
cry
hurt
&
crumble
~
but i will rise again
to hold my love
and give her one last kiss on the neck
before turning my nose towards her to acknowledge
"it's time to go to bed"
~
and that is my train of thought
today
at
3:22 pm
on Sunday
March
29th
in 2020

i had kind of a different experience today
with the weedujuanas,
instead of feeling really hyper or really suicidal
i just . . . could breathe
i could sing and feel alive
i could paint and think 'good' things
i could laugh with no remorse or guilt
but. then.
it wore off, and i needed more
so i went to my friends
and sold her some **** so i could get some addy
and man, i wish i wasn't so destructive
otherwise,
none of this would happen.
but
whatever.
life's life
and here i
am
.
.
.

Is where I see truth, honesty, and art
Is not where I believe to be alive for ages
Is where my dreams come to life, and my heart no longer suffer
Is not where overdoses can occur
Is where I can be the closest to death without dying
Is the closest to a functioning real-life adult I can be
With still being the "dysfunctional adult" I am
Is safety and comfort, with fuzzy blankets
and aesthetic lighting
Is why I stay in the dark and hide
Is where cerulean comes to life on the ceiling
Isn't a place to get better, recover, or become soft and gentle
Is where I dream for a kinder, gentler day
that can cuddle my flaws and smooch away
the shame and guilt