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That love eats my heart
That heart beats  my time
That time hits my sadness
That  sadness  reads my destiny
Author: Zhanar
Let it be open
So the love can flow
Let it burn through
And leave
An indelible mark
On your soul.
 Sep 10 Ignatius Hosiana
For so long i've worked hard to not expect.
I've trained relentlessly not to be needy.
I've been good to deserve better.
And i've closed doors to avoid aching intruders.

For too long i've allowed myself to stop myself
From wanting anything more than everything
And thence you came with your perfection
Oozing optimism for everything and more

So for a while I recklessly permitted myself to have expectations,
To feel deserving, to open my doors
To wanting everything and to wanting you
And like all good things it was great, until you were through.

So right now, my heart is breaking into a million pieces,
For unmet expectations and unrequited longing. And maybe that's good;
For in the future you'll serve as a reminder
The perfect reason for tightly shut doors
Even though what's inside most definitely
Deserves anything, everything and more.

I've been truly single for as long as I can remember. Even when I talked with potential partners not once have I let my guard down. And this perfect perfect perfect piece of man came and threw that away. That too in a matter of months. We started talking in Oct 2020 and have gradually gotten accustomed to each other or so I thought. It sure feels like I'm the only one feeling the way I do and it's breaking me. Ugh. I HATE THIS, TAKE ME BACK TO SAFETY.
When he got sober no one seemed to care. While he got clean everyone drank and ignored him. Back when he was drinking he would ignore everyone because most seemed to have a problem with his drinking. He never pressured or told anyone anything others seemed to give him ****.
He moved on since he was tired of being excluded and held to some ridiculous standards that had nothing to do with him. Being quiet and observant so many people would cut corners or try to pull a fast one. His mind clear way sharp compared to before.
I was ready to have kids

I was not ready to have adults
 May 2021 Ignatius Hosiana
Once upon a time
I was young and healthy
didn't have a dime
but with life I was wealthy

didn't own a thing
flexing my tiny muscle
but i lived like a king
one without a castle

and now I own so much
I came to learn a truth
there is no money that can touch
the value of your youth
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