the morning after i killed myself,
everything was cold.
the air,
the bathtub i fell asleep in
and the cold tile.

the morning after i killed myself
i saw no beauty in the vibrant sunrise.
i didn't think the pink, orange, yellow-
the colors i once had fallen in love with
were suddenly dull.

the morning after i killed myself
i saw my mother hesitating to go into my room.
her face tired and worn, aging years in one night,
her grip loose as she opens the door tears filling her eyes-
the faint scent of me still lingering in the air.

the morning after i killed myself,
i saw my sister staring numbly at nothing.
her eyes red and regret on her face -
her thoughts on our arguing the night before.

the morning after i killed myself,
i saw my phone blowing up with messages.
my friends ignorant to what i did the night before,
but only one person knew.

the morning after i killed myself,
i saw myself dead.
my body cold to the touch, heartbeat still
and wondered if my mother could will me back to life.

the morning after i killed myself,
i ended up missing the warmth.
my silent screams echoing in the bathroom
as i tried to undo what i did.

the morning after i killed myself,
i decided i hated being dead.
and i found myself wishing
i didn't wait too late to save myself

if my body is a heavenly temple,
i pray that you kneel before me in worship

they say all lovers die twice;
once when they die separate,
the second when they'll forgotten-
and their story along with them.

you had a smile on your face
as you fell to your watery grave.
i wondered how it felt to bear witness to your lover-
to see Him,
to touch Him,
only to burn as you fell.

no one tells you when
loving someone becomes too much ;
it seethes.
it waits.
it blooms.
and sometimes it rages,
and sometimes it ends.

i can count the number of times
i felt like killing myself
on both my hands, feet,
on all of my bones with my eyes shut.
i could tell you details,
how, when, why,
but change my answer each time-
i could count those times on both hands.

i could tell you of the days i think of
fireflies in the summer
and snowfall in january,
how both disappear after time,
yet i can remember the images
so clearly, so vividly.
i could count those times on both hands.

if you asked me to share
the number of times i felt like killing myself
you’d be waiting for months, years even.
maybe sooner,
as you might be reading my note,
with them all included.

what happened to us?
the flicker of times gone by,
the brief glimpses of past adventures,
phone calls that go late into the night,
i look at you- eyes red and hair askew
what happened?
where did you go?
and i realized the door is open,
and the ground is cold.