what hurts more
being in love with someone you can't have
or
being out of love

what hurts more
knowing how it would end up
and still trying
or
leave with curiosities

what hurts more
being so deeply in love with someone silently
or
not being loved back

what hurts more
the agony of not knowing
or
listen to the harsh truths

what hurts more
to finally able to love
or
not being able to love

what hurts more
being in love with another person
instead of the one in front of you
or
being someone's hidden lover
knowing fully that you are
just his love affair

i know where is this going
sigh.


but is it wrong if i just want to be happy for the first time?
is it wrong to be wanting someone so bad after a long time
why can't i be happy?
am i not deserve the loving and the happiness in this world
can you please stay
please
*stay

i found your hoodie
on the corner of my room
when i cleaned it up this morning
and suddenly remembered
on how i hated it when
you wear snapback.
i would snatched it from your head
and hid it somewhere in my house
i even once hid it in my freezer
forgot bout it until my mom found it
you hated it when i do that
'bad hair days', you would say.
i had never told you the reason why
but i like to play with your hair

there were so many times
i choked up and swallowed back an
'i love you too's
not because i don't love you
but because i know you've someone
on the other line

you told me i sleep too much
'like a cat', you would say
i'd never told you the reason why
but that's because
i'm tired,
for my mind is running over the thoughts
of why it took you so long to reply
it would be because of her

i'd never told you how
i really liked you in those
short sleeves plaid shirts you've got
and that
navy blue hoodie
i should had done that
and i'm sorry for i stole that hoodie from you

there were times when you asked me something
and i challenged you for it
you laughed in surprise
i sat facing you on your passenger seat
legs crossed, cheek leaning on my palm
hair aside
you stared at me instead of the road
we stared at each other for a moment
even when you're driving
i could swore we looked like we were in love
or weren't we?

the last time we held hands
i traced 'i love you's on your hand
i didn't try to make the gesture noticeable
for i wanted to mark your skin
before she held it
and claimed it as her
i wrote invisible ink on your palm
for that's how i've always love you
in the silence
be your ghost

on our last day,
you probably wondered why i look so cold and distant
and yet so calm.
maybe it confirmed your uncertainty
of how heartless i was.
little do you know i barely made it
upstairs to my room without
a single tear.

you probably think on
how i'd never loved you true
or what were we
or what your feeling was to me
and i'd probably will never know
why you did what you did to me
why you hurt me
after you swore that you loved me
we were too young back then
you probably think i am happy now
i'm not
and i'm drowning
i am choking up on i love yous
and i hope you're happy
i just hope that
it was a bad timing
and not a wrong person

i passed by you today
seems like i could never escape you
the radio tells me
that nothing has changed in this old town
we seem to keep running
into each other
for we are in a circle
where's the stop sign?

for all these times
nothing has got me quite worried
as much as the thoughts
of not being able
to love another soul
like you.
of the thought that
it would take me years
to move on
or
would i even be able to do that?

but nothing fears me the most
than
not being able to feel the same
emotional attachment
with any other soul
like we do.
what if i grow up
and ended up
not loving someone who i got married with?

*what if there is no one else quite like you

i'm sorry
for i am still thinking about your warm eyes
that seem only speak honesty
and sincerity
to me
eyes are the window to your soul, they said.
and for just now i do realize
how i could see you
even when you had never told me how you feeling
for your eyes had let me see you in your most vulnerable state.

i'm sorry
for i am still dreaming of you
for i am missing you so
and i am yearning for your presence

i'm sorry
for i am still seeing you
in every steps i take
and everything i do
for i cannot seem to forget you
for no one had quite got me like you do

i'm sorry
for i am a selfish soul
for wishing that you would be missing me too
when clearly you are happy
with her

i'm sorry
for the wound you gave me
still has not closed yet
sure you cut too deep
it would leave it's mark

i'm sorry
for being emotionally drained
for i have becoming numb
and pushing you back in the most secret place of my thoughts
yet your shadow still towering me
i have to push you back
before you come and overtowering me again

i'm sorry

i hate it when you act like i know nothing about you;
when you have to explain yourself to me
as if i was just another stranger in your life

you don't have to tell me
that you were not using me
despite of what my friends had told me
because i always know it was never your intention

you don't have to explain to me
why you did what you did to me
for i understand clearly
even when i lay awake for hours at night
questioning what your exact reason was

for she was she
and i was i
and we were just you and me
and never an us.

people come and go in my life
it seems more like
my heart is just another door
though i had never counted
those who left
until it was you

lately i've been meeting a lot of new people
funny how i seem to be a new different person now
that you're gone
it seems like i'm trying so hard
to replacing the void that you left
with every single pieces of new people
in hope that that would be
a bit of them that would
remind me of you
and make you seem whole again.

lately i've been meeting a lot of new people in my life
'are you seeing someone?'
'where's your significant someone?'
they would ask.
'nope. i have none',
my mouth says.
but how come my thoughts wander back to you.
and my heart breaks everytime i say it.
and i've become more numb the more i say it.


*we were never a thing.
hell, i'm not even sure you ever loved me.
but how come it felt so real?
how come it could hurt this much?

and all these years
they told you that heartbreak would be
not being able to do anything;
crying most of the days;
not being ok for a long time;
being able to hear the sound of your heart breaking;
'the heart break syndrome', they would say.
'time heals', everyone promised.
'this too shall pass', everyone whispered.
'it will strengthen you', they encouraged.

what they did not tell you
was that
heartbreak would make you do the unthinkable.
crying on your bathroom floor during shower.
muffling your crying on your pillow.
trying to explore yourself.
meditate, read books, watch movies, writing.
waking up with puffy eyes.
and have to go on like nothing happened.
lock yourself in your own room at night when you get home.
laying awake staring at the ceiling.
counting on what you did wrong.
replaying every scenes.
endless pool of tears -
those kind that make you really tired;
not the sleepy kind of tired,
but the 'God-please-end-this' kind of tired.
praying to God to please just end this
for you cannot take more pain.
asking God on what you had done wrong in life
to deserve this kind of pain.
do i even still believe in God?

they did not tell you that heartbreak
change your perspective in life.
that it would feel like you are suffocating;
unable to breath.
where is the air?
even when you sleep,
you wake up and dreaming about him again.
the desperation to end it;
that you would google
'how to deal with heartbreak'
or the desperation to ask people for help.
but you know it's useless
and you don't want to be a burden.
or when you hear others telling you about their relationship
and you can not even give them any advices anymore.
'i used to be so good at giving advices', you think to yourself.
but now not anymore.

they did not tell you that heartbreak
would make you numb
when you are surrounded by people.
the way you get yourself throughout the day
and do the daily routines
laughing,
do random things,
being weird;
'you are still the same old you even after all these things', they would say.
'no i'm not', you tell yourself.
even when your heart is broken
or the way
you would act like you had never got your heart broken
or the way
others would tell you their problems
and you have to act
like you are okay
and you have none

they did not tell you that heartbreak
would make you feel this useless
like how you suddenly think of
'i am so broken'
and yet you could not
even think
of telling anyone
because of how pointless it would be
'what's the use? they don't get it like i do', you would think.

they did not tell you that heartbreak
would take this long to heal
'time heals', i used to say
'this too shall pass', i used to tell my friend.
but now
i am not so sure anymore.
time heals, they say.
*well, i'm still waiting for the time mine would heal