Of course I am angry

I tried my best not to love you

I tried my best to focus on your many flaws

I tried my best not to continuously see past them

I tried my best not to allow the carefully placed ice around my heart to melt

I knew better, I knew better a million times

Than to fall for someone who was always at war with himself

And yet I did

Yet I stupidly, stupidly did

Whatever pain I've felt, I accepted the very moment that I became used to wondering and worrying about you

The very moment I felt my mouth curve up instead of down at your irksome comments

When I began to detest your absence instead of presence

I could not focus on your flaws

I could not stop looking past them

And when I saw that my layers of icy indifference were turning into a puddle

I stood over it, horrified.

But my reflection only smiled back at me.

I would blame it on bad timing,
A wrong decision
Or something.
A conjured future with precision,
A huge almost. How disappointing.

But the sad thing is,
It wasn't even an "almost"

It was something I wanted,
But it wasn't in your mind.
It's heavily highlighted;
Our stars were never aligned.

It has been over 200 days
Nearly one year of hurting
What a waste
Repeatedly swaying

It's a great lesson
I am never meant to be rushed

Day 299
And I am still healing
I broke down
But I'll keep trying.

-m.b

She keeps asking to read my journal.
I keep saying no.
Because what would happen if she knew
That all I ever ******* write about is you?

Beneath the willow tree he lies

surrounded yet by weeping boughs

as high above a lone loon cries

echoing my silent vows



Through love and life I swore to thee

through sickness and in health

through sunny days and crashing sea

through poverty and wealth



You were to me, I was to you

as one were we from then

and as your paling lips turned blue

I swore we'd meet again



My love let me go softly now

as quick as I to sleep

my love this is our final bow

I'm with you do not weep



Soft as yonder dawn doth break

o're gently burning skies

my dreams take hold I shall not wake

of woven moons and butterflies

Shaky hands, bleeding nail beds
Walls begin to close
Heavy breathing, erratic pulse
Hide behind a hood so they won't know.
A name is called, one I know all too well
One I hate as much as I hate its owner.
They don't understand.
My voice cracks,
The words don't look like they should,
Unfamiliar, robotic as they leave
My cracked lips, that I want nothing more
Than to shut, silent, unmoving.
"Don't be nervous"
My heart rate increases,
And the only thing I can think about
Is disappearing within the pages
Of these stupid ******* textbooks
That no one ******* opens.

Losing you
is like
losing a best friend
and
somewhat more than friend;
all at once

And all I know is that it hurts
that we went being nothing
in such a heartbeat

This inferno.
This rage.

I want to light this world up.
I want to watch this world burn.

I'm a walking wildfire.
I'm a walking disaster.

Turn your head, look away.
But each step taken leaves a blaze.

Go on get, there's no saviors here.
Just fire, and end times, sincerest cheers.

Inhale dark embers of a long forgotten flame.
Exhale black death, be free of all desires.