The air is drifting
The sunlight seeking
The breath of my eyelashes,
Beating against
You're beautiful face.
The air is winding,
The clouds are spiraling,
Towards the horizon
Spilling out on this soil.
The air is fuming,
The funnel spinning,
And here we were,
Grasping to the Palm Tree,
For dear life and love.
The air is calm.
We tried holding on,
But all that is left,
Is no one but me.
And I realize,
It is not that you were torn away.
But I was.
And I am lost.
....I am so far from home.

They always told me to let go of the past.
As if it were at the end of a taut rope,
as if my memories were burns on my hands,
as if my tears were simply sweat of exertion.

"It'd all go away if you'd just let go,"
They assure me in their uninterested gaze,
Scoffing at me in their self-assurance
"She's probably just thinking too much."

Surprisingly, though, on a long drive to nowhere
A monstrous plume of smoke caught my eye
glowing hellish and orange in a grey night
billowing from a crevice somewhere downtown.

It occurred to me then that I was afraid.
If I let the rope slip, even just a little,
whipping through my hands, setting them aflame,
I'd crumble to ashes then and there.

Without the distant past, the rosy memories,
the hot-aired idea of who I was
The self-inflicted punishment for past wrongs,
Who the hell am I?

“I think that I love him,”
I wrote down in my journal that day.
Words scrawled across the page
curling like timid spring tendrils.
I swam in it all afternoon,
turning pruney with the feeling.
Indulging in the thought that this
was what I’d long been needing.
But day turned into night,
things changed within the hour;
lovely feelings, slowly budding,
became shrunken withered flowers.
With a friend I had been talking,
he asked, “What do you know about Justin?”
The air was cool on my teeth as I smiled,
“It’s hard to know about Justin.”
In that moment, my heart was swollen
with hope that my friend would spill
words that I could indulge on
like red wine to the ears,
and I felt my face turn ruddy
with anticipation of the pleasure,
it was almost too much bear—
my beating heart could hardly wait—
And within that same moment, he said,
“Well he really likes your roommate.”

The feeling of wonder
For a life of thunder
The hail pelts all,
This indifferent punishment
What for?
This life that's under
All the weight of sins before,
And we can't fight it anymore.
Here we stand
With open arms
Open eyes
Open hearts
To the pain and suffering,
To the understanding
Of life and all of it's pointlessness.
To say I'm sorry
Is not enough
To live with clarity
Is not enough
To remember you
Is not enough.
God will hold you
For my return.
Just so I can embrace
All that you were and are.
So I can love you
With the fullness of understanding.
I've missed you.
I'll miss you
Till then.

Wrath so strong as river runs in fear,
I hold you tight to black heart with my claws.
I rage against you, yet, pray you were here,
**** the wretch who composed lover’s laws.
Our heart of pain is like a rattle snake;
We strike; then death, now in your blood, does spread,
But ‘fore we bit, we told you! We did shake!
Yet now it is too late and you are dead.
Then running home we’ll shriek, “Never again!
shall Man control my soul and mind and tears…”
Yet someday we’ll say “But he’s Heaven sent!”
Infatuation washed ‘way all our fears.
We kiss our lover strong with lust and thrill,
while in the woods, our last one lies so still…

Nothing.

Why on earth
did I run, you ask?
Well let me lay
it out for you:
I cannot change
what I have done,
Neither can you,
to be true.
We might have been
Strong as we once were
But those days are gone
Not to return.
Even if we tried,
Gave it a go,
Memories of my wrongs
In your mind, would burn.
You wouldn't be able
To let it go.
Don't kid yourself.
I know you know,
As well as I:
"Forgiveness is divine,
But never pay full price
For late pizza."
Basically, you can't forget.
I know you can't.
Anyway,
what I should have done
Was told you the sad truth:
That I still love you.
That would have scared you off,
So this void i feel now
Wouldn't be my fault.


Shoulda
coulda
woulda.

I can't explain
How others think
I'm so wrapped up
In what I'm doing wrong.
That time was everything.
And he is gone.
Does that mean
Everything is gone?
Everything?
Is my whole life's purpose
Find that time again?

All these ideas in my head
Just can't seem to come out.
It's like I'm a brilliant mind
Inside of a ******* body.
I just can't seem
To find the words.
This writer's block has been going on for years.
Please help.
Anyone.

I lay here awake
Speaking past the plaster,
To wind, blown north,
Past where Jesus was born,
And some mother is being abused somewhere.
As I spoke and cried inside,
I cringed at the thought of water.

The red lining of a white cloud
Glares me down
Past the cut grass,
And the ***** houses
With the nice front doors.

I wanted pain for you
I wanted pain for me,
But no one would learn,
Because no one would feel pain.
We are a world of the immune.
Numbed by the convenient fog
Because the clouds are too lazy
to feed the Earth
and
Rain.

Yes, that's surely quite a few,
but you don't give a ****, do you?
To be quite frank, neither do I,
but sometimes I wish that I knew why.
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not depressed.
I rocketed out from that cannon
long, long ago.
Okay, two weeks ago.
Shut up.
Anyway, dear readers invisible,
I'm happy now, and it's incredible.
It was a door, it was a light,
that led me from the longest night.
And now my only taunting fright
is if my lungs will be alright.
For I was screaming so long and hard,
that now my voice is broken shards.
In retrospect, it was meant to be,
but now this mess, I have to clean.
I'd like to put it back together,
Ideally so it'd look brand new,
but I can't find any
super glue,
you don't happen to have some,
do you?
Hmmm.

Christ, fine. I'll do it myself.

I think back on my childhood.
Everything is falling.
Nothing is the same.
Every day I picture my childhood
In the air and light of morning.
It wasn't until things fell
That my life turned to night.
Memories of now
will be enshrouded
In darkness.
And I want this to change.